End of a Long Term Friendship.

My word all this is striking a chord!
Thank you all for your various words of wisdom.
I've moved around a lot in my life, up and down the country, here and there, mostly following my ex-husbands dreams, but more recently making a new and lovely life for myself. Last year when I turned 60 it occurred to me that the friends who came to my 40th party were different from the ones at my 50th and once more, a completely new set for my 60th. All were well loved at the time and I grieved over losing them, wondering what it was about me that made them forget me so quickly. (I'm an only child too!)
So when I read the comment about friends being for a reason and of a season, well, it seemed just right! That's exactly what happened.
The friends who have really endured are the ones from my school. All girls together and we still are when we meet up. Last year, to celebrate being 60, we had tea at The Ritz and were on our very best behaviour!!

I think this discussion highlights how important friendships are to women. Like everyone else on here, I had a friend I had to let go. We met through work and she was very charismatic and great company. I know I was funnier in her company but she was a user. I was always there for her and she was never there for me. 6 years on I still miss her but I know it wasn't a healthy relationship. It took me several years to realise this and it was hard to stop phoning her or jumping when she called 'needing 'me. Fortunately my family were very supportive. I tend to be very forgiving of people's behaviour and am not good at closure. My daughter is much better at this and can protect herself. Sometimes it helps to think in terms of looking after one's self.

anneandgraham - I will send you a pm as I have talked enough about my problems on here!

Greatnan are you too estranged from your daughter? sorry to pry just gathered that from your post.

I was very close to my only daughter although we had flare ups and fell out now and again I loved (still do) her so much and we were in daily contact.

I still cannot really believe she has cut us off!!

As I submitted this thread I feel I can add a continuance to it. The friend I've mentioned in my opening remarks and I always exchange birthday and Christmas presents. With birthdays it can be anything to approx. £10 to £15, sometimes a particular present sometimes a treat like a day out. This year, on the day I got a text. 4 days later we met for coffee and I was given a card with a £10 note inside -' couldn't think what to give you'. I was stunned, a £10 note, I'd rather it had been just a card. My friend knows that my favourite gift is a book token, we have a local book shop, if she couldn't think of anything to buy why not resort to a token. When I mentioned this to my daughter she was really shocked as she felt my friend had made no effort or didn't want to make an effort.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I be hurt? Should I dump lol?

thank you ladies is a diffiucult one.

do agree would be easier elegran if my friend could explain that to my daughter.

i should explain I also have a son, sadly he after trying to find out what has gone wrong lost patience with his sister and now does not want to hear her name mentioned.

is very sad, I tried desperately to persuade him to stay in touch for our sakes as much as his but realise not fair to use him as a go between.

He has seen how devastated we are and cannot bear to even discuss her anymore.
I have to respect that do not want to lose him too!!

Yes can see would be stupid to become estranged from my friend, and do hope it does mean light at end of tunnel.
my daughter sent xmas cards for couple years to our other friends but they were fiercely loyal and sent them back, one good friend included a letter very polite but saying if our daughter could not contact us then she could not upset us by accepting card and lots more all very kind and polite.

no response of course.

Yes, if I were your friend I would be staying in touch with your daughter, for your sake as well as for her immediate relationship with her, but I would say to your daughter that you would love to hear news direct, and to you that she was keeping lines of communication open but not trying to usurp your position.

She is in quite a difficult position herself, in fact. She cannot refuse contact with your daughter - what if there were an emergency and she had denied her the chance to ask for help? What if the emergency were with you, and your friend were the only way to summon your daughter?

anneandgraham having just read your other post I would like to add that I do think it's important that your friend acknowledges how awful the situation is for you and is tactful and supportive.

I've been in this 'divided loyalties' situation but in the position of your friend. Not easy. If I were her I would probably stay in touch with your daughter.

Of course, very hurtful for you but I hope you manage to stay friends with your friend as it wouldn't help the situation if you became estranged.

You'll get there Greatnan. ths is a positive sign. Perhaps your daughter's mental health is taking a turn for the better?

My daughter has started to talk to her own daughter again, even though she knows she is in touch with me and my other daughter, so perhaps there is a chink of hope. I will never despair! Other people have told such encouraging stories of being reunited with estranged family members, that it has helped me to go on believing that some day I will get my daughter back.

I think I too would feel very hurt, but I also think that any contact with your daughter is beneficial. I agree with Greatnan, it could be an 'opener' from your daughter. She may well feel that so much time has passed that she can't come directly to you and is finding another way 'in'. Don't lose contact with your friend for heavens' sake. The more contact they have with each other, the better and hopefully in time it will be transferred to you. She is probably worried about her Dad but just can't make the first move after so long. Fingers x'd.

is very interesting to view different people thoughts.

topical for me as my oldest friend (se another thread) 41 years has hurt me quite badly with regard to my daughter.

Sheis her godmother and sadly my daughter cut us all out of her life (or rather her husband did) over 3 years ago. I have little grand daughter never seen and one who Ilove dearly not seen since she was 9 months old.

My friend has no children of her own and I ws happy she was so close to my daughter, but now it has backfired a bit as she has just heard from her (my friend still sends presents to my grand daughter which I am happy about) we do too and I wrote to tell my daughter her Dad been very ill, she did not respond, but wrote to her godmother and asked her to write back.

My friend refuses to see that this is any way disloyal to me - would be interested to hear other peoples takes on this.

We are struggling to maintain our friendship - I have 2 other close friends and numerous acquaintances but it would upset me dreadfully to close this one down.

i would love to think that is the case and we can only wait, hope and pray!!

blackbird a friend who was widowed in 2000, he was only 47 years old, said people would walk across the road rather talk to her. When she confronted one of these people their response was that they didn't want to upset her and were too embarrassed to talk to her. It seems that you really do find out who your friends are.

Blackbird - I know exactly what you mean. One of my daughters constantly tried to make me criticise her sister and seemed to believe 'he who is not with me is against me.' She would ask which of them I loved most, and I would reply that I love both of them as much as it is humanly possible for one person to love another.

slightly different thing my husband died seven months ago. My sister promised to keep in touch now does not want to know me I have two daughters who constantly fight with me in the middle have to tread on eggshells in case I lose both which seems very likely at the moment it is so distressing(sad)

Ariadne - I like your post very, very much. Thank you.

B - I agree . Finding friends on gransnet is a real pleasure.

Could it be your daughter's way of taking a first step to getting back in touch with you, via your friend?

interesting thread!! I have friend who met at 16 41 years ago!!

I have 2 other close girl friends also who I am much more at ease with.

There are issues with my oldest friend and this past week we have come close to falling out - but it is a long while to give up on! -

She is godmother to my estranged daughter, she has not children of her own, and my daugher has written to her after 3 years to ask her to write back. This is extremely upsetting for me, long story , but do feel desperatley hurt our daughter can do this, she did cut her off same time as us (her husband did it to be accurate) and now I wonder is she trying to build bridges or just hurt us more!!??

Very difficult issue. I agree some friendships can drag you down and others just make you feel glad to be alive!! We are all different things to different people I guess .

Yes bags you are right ,E and mum did/do have other issues but the cut and thrust of learning to share seemed to be missing for them both and relationships for both of them where/are more difficult....fortunately I am able to encourage and guide E into the art of friendship as she is not naturally gregarious...she is gaining more confidence and becoming more insightful of relationships

I agree that personality comes into it as well. I know other 'onlies' who don't give a stuff about upsetting their friends! Or maybe that's a sign of only children's self-centredness Oh dear it's a minefield.

Bags I completely agree. I didn't mean to suggest that as an only child I always have problems with friendships - I had a lovely childhood with a large extended family, lots of cousins and always made friends easily. Where I think I used to get myself in trouble - and still do occasionally - is that I sometimes became a bit intense about everything and wasn't sure how much or how little people wanted of me. I would also worry very much about arguing with friends because I was afraid of losing them - which I think relates to the issue of not having that sibling experience of squabbling but still having to maintain a relationship.

I agree about finding friends on gransnet - I love it too

To those "onlies" (only children) who think it may have been a disadvantage, may I kindly (very kindly, believe me) say that I don't think being an only child need affect your ability to make friends, unless some other part of your personality (innate shyness, perhaps) makes a difference too. I say this because my father was an only child, but a more out-going, easy-friend-making, jolly extrovert you could not meet! My ex mother-in-law was also an only child but one of the kindest and most loveable, freindly people I have ever known. She and I were friends instantly when we first met, and we still are friends in spite of the fact that I left her son eighteen years ago.

I hope everyone is finding friends on gransnet. I certainly am and I love that

matson I too understand that,my daughter was in a situation of abject terror and trapped and ended her own life,because of the actions of another.... People do find it difficult to deal with..as we ourselves do...and I always am very cautious about how much I reveal when asked because of thatxxxxx so good to hear that you have 3 lovely loyal friends it helps doesn't it.