End of a Long Term Friendship.

It is sad, dorset, but some people become old much sooner than others. It sounds as if your friend is allowing herself to slide into old age and there is probably not much you can do about it. Your life sound so full and useful, she may even be a touch envious.

Life is full of hellos and goodbyes, togetherness and separation. This can be sad but it's also part of what makes life interesting.

Sad but time to move on I think. There is a poem about people coming into your life for a reason and a season.

We have also moved a lot and it changes us and, in my opinion, makes us more open minded people. I now live closer to the friend I have known the longest but she seems much older than me and we share some things but do others separately and that seems to work.

You sound to me like you will continue to make lots more friends of all ages and types and that is such a good thing.

If you are sure she doesn't have a particular problem and need your help just get on with your life and have no regrets. I think I understand as I am just letting go of an old friend because I seem to be doing all the work.

We all change and I think it's natural for some friends to come and go, and for others to be always with you.
Good friends are a blessing, but some drain the life out of you.
Just go with the flow, it's normal.

Letting go of an old friend when you realise you seem to be doing all the work sounds very familiar to me Alison. I did this a few years ago and I still mourn the loss of that particular friendship. We met at work and clicked immediately. We went on holiday together, laughed a lot, saw each other through many ups and downs including her divorce. Then she remarried, had another baby and moved away. I tried to keep in touch but in the end I began to feel I was bothering her- she said all the right things but her actions said the opposite. I made a conscious decision to stop trying and never heard from her again. I guess she outgrew me

Very good comment from greatnan re some people ageing quicker than others,just yesterday I had to go and help my neighbour who in fact is two years my junior she was upset that she is finding it hard to mix with the neighbours as they all have lives outside our community and she thinks no one likes her and no one invites her in for a in reality all the neighbours go to lunch clubs and other clubs locally but she will not mix or join in,I have always made sure she is eating well by taking her any extras I have made but she will not mix at all,so very sad she has no immediate relatives that I know off.
I think that with you working at the supermarket and your easy way to mix with people keeps you young and your friend is your friend in a totally different way now you are both older in years.

As others have said, life is ebb and flow and everything changes with time. I am sure that the good times you shared with your friend will be happy memories for both of you, but maybe your relationship will change and not be quite as close - that is OK.

Thank you all so much. After I posted this thread I was feeling rather sad, a friendship of 28 years is a tough one to let go. However, I do have a lot of interests and other friends - I shall carry on as I am and wait and see if it just drifts into a natural conclusion or not.

Can't argue with all that has been said here, but I wonder if your friendd is possibly going through a sort of "post-retirement" depression?
She may be feeling a bit lost and not sure where she "fits in" any more. I have felt that and seen it in others.
Without GC she may feel she can't share your enthusiasms and may find it harder to contribute to conversations where she doesn;t have that in common. Some people try, others fail.
All the same you can't keep fanning the flames if a fire is dying, so you will know what is best for you.

I agree with grace.

I was in a similar situation , and to be quite honest , hard as it may be it is best sometimes best to just let go

Wise words gracesmum

I also agree with greatnan when she says some people age (mentally) much more quickly than others. I think it becomes more apparent as we get older. I met one of my best friends when our children started school and, looking back, she was 'older' than me even then (or more mature!!). She is quite decided in her opinions and tuts a lot!

But, we have been through a lot together and still have enough in common to maintain a good relationship.

As Ella said dorsetpennt - don't force it - go with the flow!

Dorsetpennet, your friend certainly does seem to have made a decision to grow old whereas you sound vibrant and active. I also wonder if she is depressed? Like nightowl and Alison I am still in the process of letting go of an old friend of 35 years. I am finding it painful and sad. I realised that she had no interest in my life and wanted me to listen to all her problems. I don't think she has noticed I have gone. I am struggling not to feel that our friendship was worth nothing to her. It is making me feel vulnerable in all my friendships. I miss her, I miss having a 'best' friend to do things with.

It is tricky when lives go on different paths.. but in my experience sometimes they do cross again as long as a small link has been kept. Maybe dorset your friend is taking longer to adjust to retirement?
OH & I had two really good friends when we were younger who were best man /bridesmaid at our wedding . Over time, whilst remaining friends, we stopped holidaying together, seeing each other weekly etc ..I had my DDs a few years before they had kids so we were always at different stages.. we saw them a couple of times a year.. but now they are grandparents we are becoming close again! maybe in time you and your friend will rekindle the closer relationship..shared history is always a powerful pull.

I would be reluctant to let her go completely. Friends are precious and have a different significance at different stages of your life. I have a friend who saw me through a very difficult time a long time ago, then we drifted apart, came together, then she became very needy and depressed, helped her, drifted apart. When I retired, I was busy and active and her company seemed to drag me down.We had a break for a couple of years.Just recently I met her by accident and we had a coffee....got on like a house on fire and I felt so pleased that I had never completely let her go.

I had a similar problem with a very close friend we met as young mums our children grew up together we holidayed as families we then as couples
As our children grew up,we laughed and cried together and shared a lot,then my marriage broke down..hers had not been a walk in the park either,but I was brave enough to jump ship..met a new man...they had difficulty accepting this and friendship floundered ,Kate died and then my mum,..we lost touch for two years,we moved and I wrote and told her and also how hurt I was by her attitude. She wrote back and although we don't meet regularly our friendship is now just as close but deeper if possible..just thought perhaps putting your feelings into a letter might help dorset she sounds depressed by the withdrawal from people.....would she have to be a gran to be on here,if you felt comfortable with thatxxxxxgood luck

Sewsilver what you have written has really struck a chord with me. This thread has reminded me about the friend I 'gave up' and I realise I have never truly got over it, even though it was about 5 years ago. Like you, I felt that she didn't even notice I had gone, and that our friendship had obviously not meant as much to her as it did to me. I have a number of friends but still not a 'best friend' who knows me so well, including many secrets.

As Littlenellie suggests, I wrote to her just before the end telling her how I felt. I put a lot of effort into this letter and was very careful not to appear to blame her, but all I got back was a very angry, defensive response. I think it was this that made me see that we had completely different perspectives on our friendship and although we saw each other a few times afterwards it gave me the push I needed to let it go. So I agree with Littlenellie a letter can be a good idea - even though it ended badly in my case it helped me to decide what to do. Good Luck x

I have friends with whom I have been very close at times in my life, but see less of now - people do drift apart - but whenever we meet or chat on the phone we just pick up where we left off and have a good chat and a catch-up. The important thing is not to analayse and agonise over it all but just accept the ebb and flow - enjoy the variety of new friendships and do a bit of catching up with the old ones now and again. Too much emotion can be burdensome.

What lovely clear thinking Mishap - that makes such a lot of sense.

I read some where about "life stage" friends ,those that are there for a stage in your life,you both then move on as the friendship naturally comes to an end you move forward and find more..agree with you mishap too much thinking and analysing is not good..but something women are good atxxx

All great advice. I did write her a letter as I felt it was less confrontational, and I'd be able to say what I wanted to say without getting tearful and without interruptions. I told her how much I valued her frindship over the years highlighting all the good times. I said that I felt we were drifting apart and did she feel the same. She totally ignored it. I know she received it as I posted it through her door. She didn't say a thing about it. Maybe she can't find the words I don't know. She rang me after she would have received it to talk about a trip we had planned for Salisbury and not a word was said. So now it's the proverbial pacyderm in room.

Oh dorsetpennt I feel for you. Your friend is obviously still wanting to see you so I would say, as others have suggested, keep up the lines of communication and things may turn around again.

I sometimes wonder whether I should have handled my special friendship differently. I think I was very needy at that particular time and with hindsight maybe I became too intense about the whole thing.

I think I sometimes have difficulty with 'the rules' of friendship. I read a very good book several years ago about being an only child which suggested that only children are observers of relationships from a young age, and they do not have the same opportunity to learn about arguing, falling out and making up that siblings have. That made a lot of sense to me and I know I sometimes feel baffled about what others expect of me.

Makes sense to me too. My sister and I have an elephant in our history when we didn't speak for two years. Now we see each other but we have never sorted out what happened the day she blew her top at me and I walked out.

I was an only child for eight years and then away at college from when she was nine then I married so in a way she was brought up partly as an only child too, because we were separated......

Nightowl - I would love to be your best friend .
When I was married, we had many couples with whom we socialised but after the divorce some felt they had to take sides and I felt that my ex husband needed them more than I did. I moved to another country within the year and just did not bother to try to keep in touch. I think there was a trace of envy from some of the wives because of my new, luxurious lifestyle.
I also lost a lot of weight, got contact lenses and went blonde, after being frumpy throughout my married life.
Apart from my daughter in New Zealand, I suppose my sister is my best friend, but we have also had some difficult periods. She has tried to apologise, in a roundabout way, for the many times she spoilt our holidays, all of which I paid for, by her constant complaining. I used to get quite stessed, wondering if the accommodation, food, journey, would meet with her approval. She is quite different now, and I found it easy to overlook her moaning because I realise she was deeply depressed throughout most of her marriage. Now, it is lovely to have someone who remembers our childhood and we spend hours reminiscing.

I met a good friend through an expat forum, who has introduced me to some wonderful places and is my source of information for all things rural. She has a fund of knowledge and makes a walk so interesting. She is also very empathetic and knows all my problems.

I met another friend through a different forum and I am really very fond of her, but she is very pessimistic and I am always trying to cheer her up. It can be a bit disheartening when every solution you suggest to a problem is met by some reason why it can't work.

I am still in the process of making new friends in Europe and I hope we can keep in touch when I am 12,000 miles away - there will always be Gransnet!