The Queen and I

gracesmum I recognise that chant......xxxxx

This is not meant to be a platitude but my Granfather used to say that God only gave us what we could cope with. Presumably He knew I would not be a good mother to girls and has also given me GSs not GDs (yet)

gracesmum and sook , I know I would never cope the way you both do - but then I never will have to. You are real exemplars of the 'in sickness and in health' part of the wedding vows. Care for yourselves as well. ((((hugs))))

sook No, I don't understand what it is like for you, I don't think many of us possibly could but I can share your feelings about the stupid platitudes. My mother got them when my brother died in a car accident in South Africa when he was only 19 and she was supposed to be grateful she had 4 other children. I got them every time I had a miscarriage and it still hurts now every time something makes me think about it. The stupidity of these people makes you want to lash out.

To all of you who are coping with things I can't even imagine I send you my heartfelt good wishes and would encourage you to blast off on GN as often and as hard as you like.

And you always will be, gracesmum. It's alright for me to say that, I know. I don't have to deal with what you and sewsilver, sook and mishap et al, are all experiencing. I can only imagine how you must all feel sometimes. Sending you a bunch of and a warm arm around your shoulders, and hope that you'll all, always, be able to come on here and let it out to us.

Well done for opening this particular can of worms gracesmum. Obviously quite a few people needed the chance to air their 'grievances'.

I am thinking of giving back my gold medal (which I awarded myself for staying with Mum even when she was horrid) because today I only lasted 10 minutes. How you all manage I don't know! Lots of you deserve REAL gold medals and must try to look after yourselves and get any help you can.

As I have no experience of anything like this I have no advice to offer only loving thoughts to all of you who are giving so much of yourselves.

you are!

I agree with Kitty on every count! And I do truly count my blessings. ((hugs))) to you laa, and keep posting.

I have opened a real can of worms haven't I? Or rather, lifted the lid on things that needed airing. We are torn in different directions, and one of those directions is unlikely to be ourself. Giving up work can be a mixed blessing - it may be virtually impossible to juggle the demands of the job and the different family members but it can give you a let-out of sorts. When you are available 24/7 well, you are available, if you see what I mean.
Is it because we have had independent lives and careers that we are not prepared to just be secondary to the others in our families? I don't remember my Mum being particularly self-sacrificing (although maybe I didn't know the half of it) but I do remember that whenever she was in hospital - which was often for weeks even months at a time, my Dad, in his late 70's and 80's would visit her every day, staying for the afternoon or evening to the point where I don't think he knew what else to do. You see I don't want just to be a reflection of my other half or of my children - I am ME!

Lots of you need some and lots of and and possibly even a few

Again, I am counting my blessings.

Thanks Zen .

Crimson, sounds like you need some

My problem is that everyone I know seems to be retired; [most of my neighbours etc] and I deal with people at work who come in and tell me about the latest holiday they've planned and I have to smile and tell them to have a good time. Even the S.O.has been retired for 5 years and, although he only stays at weekends I often feel I'd sometimes like the house to myself on non working days. When I sometimes ask him to come over on Saturday instead of Friday night he makes me feel mean, but I sometimes work really late on Fridays and it irritates me to come home to see him watching telly . Don't particularly want to stop working but I can't just grab a cheap last minute holiday cause I have to book holiday a long time in advance. I know I'm being horrible to feel like this but I can't help it, especially as I'm starting to get tired and creaky with working and maintaining my house. Sorry; moan over..my life's pretty good compare to many.

mishap same here. The outlaws are nearer to dd and both very fit. They are going to be looking after dgd one day a week! Even if I didn't work I still couldn't do it as no way can I run around after a toddler!

Oh Mishap so frustrating for you. XX

merlotgran that must be hard.
The parents-in-law of our nearest DD are fit and well and I envy them the fun they have with our GC - but we have a different sort of fun with them - lots of reading and learning and quiet imagination games.

Today is a case in point for the frustration. DD is struggling and wanted me to go over and help, but OH wants me here - so I have stayed here - and what is he doing? - reading in a corner and dozing on and off!! - he just wants me to be around. I do not feel I am achieving anything for him or for me; and meanwhile DD is struggling with stuff that I could be helping her with.

I couldn't agree more, Mishap. I have to plan every day so I can have a little time to myself - usually in the garden if the weather is OK. My co-granny has just enjoyed a two week holiday in Malta with my DD, SIL and DGCs. I'm envious but not bitter because I know we can't accept invitations like that while mum is still with us. I also don't think DH would cope with two weeks away or, what's more to the truth, I wouldn't be able to cope with HIM. My fear is that invitations will dry up. I can't help feeling jealous when the other grandparents have more fun and see more of the DGCs especially when I was always the first to rush to help when I had more freedom.

One of the things I find most difficult - and is well expressed on these posts - is that fact that other retirees around me seem to be having a great time: cruises, trips round the world, enjoying fun with GC etc. - while our lives are far more limited and every venture is a challenge.

But....these posts also show that we are not alone and that the false image of everyone else having a great time is perhaps just that - false.

So - let's keep our peckers up - but also leave time for guilt-free grumbles. We are allowed to feel p****d off about it sometimes!

Grace and sook, thinking of you both. Hope you don't lose sight of how well you are doing. As carer to my son (learning difficulties) and DH ( heart, lungs, legs) I well understand that feeling of 'where is my life' but we go on don't we? Grace , I expect you would remain serene and calm if like Queenie you had many helpers and could get away by yourself at times. I hope the family are able to help you enjoy the wedding. So no wet flannels, no kicks , only and . Please don't shut up. Keep telling us how YOU are.

I can empathise with the feeling of your own life running out whilst caring,and also the wish for being able to do things that people of our age do,and the need for having 'our' time whilst we still can,and your energy and strength being sapped...my caring role is different to the one that many of you have,so your posts do strike a chord....I am now trying to offer a way of saying a heartfelt thank you when you have got far more reason to feel this way than I have,so thank you all for caring about my role when you obviously have more restrictions on your life than I ...hope this isn't patronising ...and it is true that sharing when angry,tired,resentful,and just plain p** d off helps,so now it is my turn to offer the warmth and support you have all shown me and my respect...love to you all.nelliexxxxxx

and [hugs] t o you, [sook] and [gracesmum]

grace & sook sending you both {{{hugs}}} I dont think we know our strengths until we are tested, hats off to you both and any others who cope with illness day in and day out. Having a moan or rant is a release mechanism dont bottle it up.

I echo Ella's post. I too have no experience and count my blessings.

Please come on GN and whinge and moan - we still think you are great.

Thank you jeni

sookmy husband also had renal failure diagnosed soon after our marriage. He went into terminal renal failure and onto CAPD eventually having a transplant.
He survived pretty well with the transplant for 14 years but then developed ca of colon and died 10 years ago.we were married for a
Most 33 years with problems of kidney disease with us for most of them!
I therefore do know what it's like.
My prayers and wishes are with you.