I'm new here. I don't know what to type but I'm sure there will be other people who have experience like me going it alone. I think this will turn out long so I'll say I'm sorry before I begin!
My husband was very caring, the best husband you could ever wish for he was full of life very enthusiastic, helped everyone and never had a day off his work and never needed to go to the Doctor. So what happened one Sunday morning just after the Christmas & New Year holidays a few years ago was an absolute shock to me, my family, friends & neighbours and his work colleges.
He got up early one Sunday morning to get ready to go out to buy some tools that were in a shop sale about an hours drive away. He didn't come back up stairs to say cheerio and give me a kiss which he would always do if I wasn't up before him. I decided to get up and see as he hadn't even shouted up the stairs that he was going to get the car out of the garage first.
The living room door was open and I could hear a loud noise I thought it was the cat snoring which seemed odd but when I entered the room my dear beloved husband was slumped back in a chair and the noise I heard was him breathing, his eyes were open but I knew something was terribly wrong. It looked to me he had had a stroke as his hand didn't seem right either. I dialled the emergency services and asked for an ambulance and explained what was wrong. The girl kept me talking on the phone to see if there was anything could be done before the ambulance arrived, but there wasn't. After what seemed an age, if felt far too long to me, the ambulance arrived. They tried to stabilize my husband and I went to get some clothes on as I still in my pyjamas and I phoned my Daughter. We left and I sat in the front of the ambulance with the blue light going as the two paramedics tried to keep my husband alive, they were in contact with the hospital. They told me he had died twice. The girl driver of the ambulance tried to reassure me. When we arrived the Doctors and nurses were standing outside at the door at the hospital and he was wheeled in from the ambulance. I was ushered in to a family room and just sat down in a daze with a nurse.
After a short time my daughter and son in law arrived, we had a cuddle and just sat down and waited. My sister and her husband also arrived. My daughter had phoned other members of our family and they arrived too. We just sat there. The Consultant came in and said my husband had had a sub arachnoid haemorrhage, a massive bleed in his brain and he was very sorry but there was nothing that could be done for him. They had him on a life support machine. We just couldn't believe it. It was the worst news we could ever hear. I realized my life as I had known it was over with too. We were stunned. I asked if they could keep him 'alive' as our son was working away and he was on his way to the hospital he was on a plane as we spoke. The Consultant said yes they would certainly do that. He said we could go and see my husband. It was terrible, he just lay there with his eyes open, the nurse said she was there to make sure everything was taken care of and he was looked after correctly. She said she will close his eyes now. I spoke to him and told him how much I loved him and thanked him for being such a wonderful husband and father and said you'll be away to be with your Mum & Dad now. I was just so inconsolable and he looked so peaceful. This was not the way he would have wanted things to happen but we don't have a choice in such matters. Our son eventually arrived and he was able to see his Dad for the final time just like us. Our daughter was so upset too she wanted her Dad back he was our tower of strength. This was all so awful.
The transplant coordinator came to ask if we could donate his organs. We said yes as we had already discussed this and we both had agreed we would donate our organs if there was ever that opportunity. I never expected it to be this way though. I had forms to fill in and sign. The other terrible part of this unforgettable awful day was having to leave I just didn't want to leave him there I wanted it to be how it had been for all those happy years. My son drove me home and my sister and brother in law came too. It was good to have some of my family at home with me at this horrendous uncertain time. When I got into bed alone after that terrible day that changed my life forever I lay on my pillow and just cried and cried. There was a full moon that night and it reflected on a mirror on the wall and my face was bathed in moonlight. I felt it was my dear husband letting me know he was looking after me and trying to comfort me. I drifted off in to sleep for a short time I was exhausted.
Our son was very good and managed to arrange the funeral and things. He had never done anything like this and never had I. He was in total shock and he missed his Dad so so much. When he was a young boy he shadowed hid Dad and learned everything from him. He could not believe like us all that Dad was not here for us anymore. Thankfully my family came to stay for a while, we got through the funeral and eventually family members had to return to their work so I was left alone at home, for once in my life which was just the worst thing ever. I just couldn’t concentrate on anything. I felt my lovely dear husband should just walk through the door from another room. When it was time for him to return from work I expected him to come home. But no, nothing I was totally on my own. I found I didn’t want to bother with making meals for myself, or do anything really. My GP came to see me and he offered me medication to help me through but I said no, there was no point trying to dull it in my brain I need to deal with all this as coming off this type of medication I felt I would be worse as it wouldn’t be dulled any more. So I just had to try to get on with it as best I could. When I had family and friends visiting I found I was unable to make a meal for them. I don’t know why but I found I seemed to not know what to do which was so unbelievable as I had cooked for my family for many many years. Of course there were the anniversaries which were awful to get thought. The first one was our son’s birthday, then my dearest husbands, then our daughters. Then there was holiday time. There was the anniversary of when we first met our wedding anniversary and of course Christmas and the new year. The worst one of all was the anniversary of his death that changed our lives forever. It’s never ending.
The transplant coordinator kept in touch and was able to let me know that they were able to help eight people with my husband’s organs; eyes, lungs, heart, liver & kidneys. I receive letters through the coordinator from the people who received the organs, which I was surprised at. It’s lovely to know that something good has come out of our tragedy. They are so grateful having another chance of life. I will do it again if my organs can be used when my time comes.
Our family friend whom we had known for many years come to visit me. We went a lovely run in the country and a walk with her dog, which seemed to lift my spirits for a short interlude. She told me she had split from her long term partner as he was seeing someone else behind her back. She started to visit me more often which was good as it gave me something to look forward to and we went out walking which was a tonic for us both. Of course my family was there for me and came to visit when they could but they don’t live near and they have a very young family.
A few months after this terrible event my friend and I went to my son’s home where we were having a family get together. It felt strange not having me and their Dad there together. It was difficult. It was a lovely sunny day and we took family photographs in the garden. When my friend and I got home I decided to print off the pictures. I held the picture of the whole family group in my hand and said they look good but there is someone missing, of course we knew who, which was quite upsetting for me. By then it was getting a bit dark but we had the street light shining in the room. On the ceiling in the room we could see some small sparkling lights. We thought it must have been coming from outside but there was nothing. My friend said to me if you haven’t put something up on the ceiling I’m frightened. Of course I hadn’t we just stood there watching. They stayed a while and just faded away. I am glad my friend saw them too; they looked like small twinkling stars as I’m sure people would think I was just imagining it through my grief, but no they were definitely there. This lasted for a few more evenings. I felt a bit uneasy as I had never seen anything like that before but am sure it was my wonderful dear husband just letting me know that he is still with us in spirit.
After a few years I decided to get a puppy for company which was a great idea, she takes my mind off what could have been and I’m also able to walk her with my friend while she walks her dog too. She has been very understanding and supportive and is helping me through this entire new chapter. We have become very good friends and we are there for each other, we go places together. We need to enjoy life as best we can and I need to be there for my family, they need me so much trying to deal with this terrible chapter in our lives. They have been very good, helpful and understanding and are a credit to me and their Dad. I have more lovely grandchildren now I just wish they could have known their granddad too as he would have loved to have been part of their lives just like me.
Typing all this out seems to be therapeutic, it seems to help put things into perspective so thank you for this opportunity. I have never done this before. Hope it’s not too boring!
The only thing I can say about all this is I have never cried so much in my life and that time helps to heal the ‘open wounds’ a bit. I’m talking a few years of course. You think you will never move forward a wee bit but you do through time. I look up at the sky and see the sparkling stars and sometimes there is a full moon too. I think of my wonderful dear husband a lot and I speak to him and think what would have been as our children had flown the nest and have children of their own and it was our time, but that was not to be…
