Just jokes

Ah yes. I can manage short posts (in bed) but not long ones. And there are no square brackets.

Love-making frogs
A beautiful young woman goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Love-making Frogs! Only £20 each! Comes with complete instructions. Money Back Guarantee! The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody is watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I’ll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she is home, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says.
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into your best lingerie.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog next to you.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, ‘If you have any problems or questions, please call this number. 24 hour cover.’
So, the girl calls the number and gets through to the chap she met at the pet shop. He apologises and says, "I had similar complaints earlier today. I think I know how to fix it. I’ll be right over."
Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

I'd like to be a glow worm
A glow worm's never glum
It's hard to be down hearted
When the sun shines out your bum

Greatnan and Barrow - funneee! Here's one, made me smile:

Question in Health and Safety exam:

What steps would you take in the event of a fire?

Answer: Effing great big ones.

#fail.

I think that answer should have passed - it makes a lot of sense!

Welcome home, Greatnan

The Bad Parrot

John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even
worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked , kicked the door and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said:

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

LOL!

This wasn't me, honest!

It was our first night out after the birth of our little girl and Nan insisted on baby sitting for us.

The proud great grandma had invited all her friends round who kept asking, "Can we see Charlotte?"

"Not now, she's sleeping!" Nan said.

"Can we see the baby now?" asked another.

"Not just yet," replied Nan.

"Well dear," said another, "we must be on our way soon, can we just take a little peep at her?"

"You can see her when she cries," said Nan.

"Why when she cries?"

"Because then I'll remember where I put her!"

Not a joke but fact!

My father went to deliver an unexpected baby
The prospective grandmother watched the procedure pursed lipped, arms akimbo, refusing to help!
After te child was born, she grabbed it, shook it under her daughters nose and said
'Now! Will you say you don't know any boys?'

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to dig over his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer

Oh, how horribly true - I have spent hours trying to understand my new Kindle Fire! Greatnan. And sometimes when you ask for help on various forums, people sneer at your stupidity!

No sneering here!

barrow I love that little ditty it is just wonderfully silly and funny.

Barrow I shall think of your ditty when I'm about to go woozy on the operating table in Feb. The surgeon is an expert in "back-end/drop-bot" ailments!

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself
to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.

"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.

Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember this is a very friendly community

Hope my jokes keep you amused in hospital, Soop!

Greatnan I'm not going in until early Feb. In the meantime, I shall keep laughing. Many thanks to you and all the posters.

MOBILE PHONE
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train rolled out of the station.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey. With the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough and leaned over and said directly into the phone .... "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his phone in public any more.

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".
The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"

An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for sex'.
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in the rear said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
______________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
______________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
______________________________________
______________________________________

4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in?
Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on?
Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse?
Yes__

10. Have you read the manual?
Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual?
Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?
No__

13. Do you think you understood it?
Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself? ______________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?
______________________________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
______________________________________

17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.
______________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?
Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel?
______________________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood.
______________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me?
Yes__

Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1-week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue.

That just about sizes me up when my computer goes off on one

ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:

ON A HAIRDRYER:
*Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
*You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
*Directions: Use like regular soap.

FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:
*Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
*Fits one head.

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT:
*Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
*Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
*Do not Iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:
*Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
*Warning: May cause drowsiness.

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
*Warning: Keep out of children.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
*For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
*Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
*Warning: contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
*Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
*Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.