Just jokes

GREAT TRUTHS that little daughters have learned:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

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A girl approaches the checkout of a supermarket, in her basket she has the following:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner

The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single, huh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"
"Because you're ugly."

A sweet little girl is out in the back garden, digging a big deep hole.
A neighbour looks over the fence and says:
“Why are you digging that big deep hole?”
“My goldfish died,” the sweet little girl says, with a sob.
“I'm really sorry to hear that,” the neighbour says,
“but why such a big deep hole for a goldfish?”
The little girl gives him an evil look. “Because it's inside your frigging cat.”

1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4.. The Pope died.

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

This reminds me of a joke told by Jasper Carrot. He had been invited for tea by the parents of a new girl friend. They are all sitting in the living room trying to make conversation and its not going too well. He spots the family dog lying on a rug licking his private parts as dogs do. It occurs to him how supple dogs are. He points to the family pet and says, in an attempt to stimulate the conversation 'I wish I could do that'.
'Give him a biscuits and he'll probably let you' retorted the father.

Very funny Greatnan

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!". Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting:
"Look, push off! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!"
Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him;
"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
"You not Nissan Maindealer?"

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The Purina diet.

I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at ASDA and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

Don't blame me if you get stung!

I love No 18

May contain some rude language.....

Handy hints for an easier life...

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

2. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the BLOODY thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

4. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking Any of them.

5. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

6. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling, patting the seat and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

7. Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

8. Girls.. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed,lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

10. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

11. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

12. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

13. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

14. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

15. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

17. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?"

"No", she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher".

List of Funny Insults!

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?
You'd make a lovely corpse!
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
You're a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits..
You love nature in spite of what it did to you?
I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?
I wish I'd known you when you were alive.
If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner's luck!
What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
You're a mouse studying to be a rat.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Every time I'm next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.'What's up?' she asks.'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy, Mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on!"The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.'You rotten Bitch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!

A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:
"We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."

Lovely to have you here with us, Greatnan...thanks for the daily chuckles.

Another excellent joke!

They don't get rid of me that easily, Lily. I thought it would be a good idea to see how sweetness and light would prevail without my pernicious presence!

Good medical advice from the Jewish sages of old...
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing, don’t eat too much, go for more liquids.
5. Try f***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.
SO, REMEMBER ...

Fasting is good for your health
And may God cleanse your dirty mind...

Aargh! Glad you're still around, Greatnan even though you are restricting your range......

GROAN but !!

I hope this joke does not get me labelled elitist!

A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."

Phrases from, and for, the Golfers among us...

An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A sister-in-law - up there, but I know that I shouldn't be
A Paula Radcliffe - ugly but a good runner
A Kate Moss - a bit thin
Taking a Gerry Adams - hitting a provisional ball
A Maradonna - a very nasty little five footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems
Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant - shaving the hole

Note on the English language, the following sounds OK but how does it read, "Where was I putting my putter?"

Perfect!

Three men died on Christmas Eve, and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven"
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said
"You may pass through the pearly gates", Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're Bells".
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do these symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."