Just jokes

NOTE WELL; NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED (OR THE EASILY OFFENDED)

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Sod it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you b*****d!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Nelliemoser - Priceless!!!!

I have just cut and pasted this out of the session notes for a local U3A class.

"Try to make the picture more Interesting. Eg. shoot your loved one, get them to wear a hat and stand in a nice background."

Freecyle offers...
NellieSmol...you, dear girl, are a MINX

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

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The head of the Cotswold hedgehogs went to see the head of the local rabbits for some help.
"Hey rabbit, wonder if you can help us", he said
"I'll be glad to try, Spikey", said the Rabbit.
"The thing is, like it is now, at night, we are losing far too many fellow hogs to those devlish machines with bright eyes that move like thunder along the smooth black walkways... I was wondering, your species seem to be very good at dodging them, you never seem to get squashed".
"Aaah" said Briar, "I will tell you how we do this, and come with me now and we will demonstrate the technique to your tribal members". Looking pleased, the hedgehog gathered his inner circle together and they walked the short disatnce with the rabbit to the A419, nearby.
"Now", said Rabbit, "this is what you do... If you see those two bright lights heading towards you as you are crossing the road, just make sure you sit down right in between the two of them - then you will be fine".
Just to prove it, the rabbit ran into the road in front of a speeding car, and to the shocked hedgehogs' delight emerged unscathed and rejoined the group.
Spikey was keen to demonstrate the new technique so as soon as the next pair of lights appeared he ran into the road and squatted down between the lights...

There was a nasty squelching noise and the hedgehogs turned to look at rabbit...who said,
"Blimey, you don't see many Reliant Robins around these days do you".

Genuine offers on Freecyle sites

Builder's rubble -about 14 tonnes

Bedford - Broken container, suit large garden plant.

Bath-Wotton - Used toothpaste tubes - collectors items

Gloucester - Christmas Cards, all have one side unmarked

Bussage - Lilac tree stump, dug out of my parents a week ago

Sapperton - large rock, will not fit in estate car

Leeds - 4 radiators, various sizes, collector to disconnect from flat

Stroud - Black & White TV - not working

Nottingham - Newspapers, large collection 1989-1993 plus firebrick making machine

Chobham - Unique knitted Cardigan, made from natural Poodle wool, fit 8-12 year old.

Dorchester - Set of six 2 gallon sealable containers, need rinsing

Godalming - medical text books and box of 1000 hypodermic syringes (sterile, sealed 1988)

Piddletrenthide - Sack full of mole skins, approx 80, cleaned and treated, ready for use.

Bristol - oversized underwear, good condition, large selection, bought as job lot.

Frampton Mansell - ladies size 7 shoes, 10 pairs, no heels missing.

Re-offered - rubble, Dursley

Cheltenham - Goose fat, for cooking or insulation purposes

Halsey - Framed, stretched Harley Davidson tattoo, 12" x 18" (real skin) unwanted heirloom...

Nellie!

soop thought 22 would have tickled you more

Banjo enthusiasts joke:
Johnny proudly drove his new VW Beetle convertible into town and had his shiny banjo nestling in the back seat.
He had walked half way around the block from the parked car when he realised that the sunny weather had prompted him to leave the hood down... with his banjo in the back.
He ran all the way back to his car, but it was too late...
another five banjos had been dumped in the car

Wonderful, soop!

21 tickles me pink!

moomin Mr soop is too busy to discover why it is that I'm howling with laughter!

Oh soop those made me giggle out loud

Only in Britain -Complaints to Councils

Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen...

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife...

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.



A friend emailed the above.

Like that, Greatnan!

Bill (it's usually Bill) catches a taxi home one evening, the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when Bill complains he becomes abusive.
Bill resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.

A week later Bill goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.
He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the driver that he doesn’t have any cash but, if he takes him home he’ll give him a blow job.
The cab driver goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.
Bill now gets into the second cab and makes that driver the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home. The second driver also refuses and kicks him out.
So now Bill gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.
As the cab drives off Bill smiles at the first two drivers and gives a big thumbs up

One day 3 women went to the top of a helter skelter at the fairground.
There was a black haired, brown haired, and a blonde haired woman.
When they got to the top a genie appeared from nowhere and said, "It's your lucky day!, when you're going down the ride shout out the one thing that you want and lo! you will land in it at the bottom".
So the black haired woman went down and shouted "money" and landed in a load of cash,
the brown haired woman went down and shouted "gorgeous men!" and landed in a pile of model men.
The blonde woman wasn't listening to the genie so she went down shouting "Weeeeeee!"

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

I like and so did DH - he doesn't usually laugh at my jokes though

Greatnan

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft Support.

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day changes every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir, the soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5.00
Fly Feature. . . . . . . . . . . . . . no charge
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . .$2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00

when! Sigh!!!!



Hello Greatnan.

Doesn't everyone?