Just jokes

Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your waste paper bin on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your cheques write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Don't you mean giddy-up Jingle?'

Horsemeat jokes are old hat now. Move on!

Mishap me too.

The Tesco jokes are getting ruder!.......

"Breaking news! After the recent disclosure of horsemeat in Tesco burgers, Primark have announce their shock at finding camel hooves in their leggings!"

here

Mishap

And on a similar theme......

My friend ended up in hospital after eating burgers containing horse meat from Tesco. He’s in a stable condition but he still has the trots.

If anyone’s been put off Tesco burgers, I’ve heard it said that their meatballs are the dog’s bollocks...

What do you put on a Tesco burger?
ten quid each way!

Very good - subtle.

york46

Very Zen !

I had to read this twice before the penny dropped! GN.

A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."
The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.
The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.
The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.

Not that I've got any!

Like lmdto!

_ Text Abbreviations for Seniors_

ATD- At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friends Funeral

BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM- Covered by Medicare

CU@SC- See You at the Senior Center

DWI- Driving While Incontinent

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL- Living on Lipitor

OM-G - Oh My! Gas!

TOT- Texting on Toilet

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

Ouch!

Blond joke!

A beutiful blond boarded a flight to New York and although she only had an Economy ticket, she went and sat in First Class. The stewardess politely pointed out to her that she would have to move to economy as she didn't have a First Class ticket. The blond refused, saying "I'm blond and beautiful and I'm going to New York". Next, the senior steward approached her and informed her she would have to move because she didn't have a First Class ticket. The blond refused saying "I'm blond and beautiful and I'm going to New York". The senior steward reported this to the captain of the aircraft. The captain said he would speak to the passenger as he was married to a blond and spoke "blond", so he went into First Class and whispered into the passenger's ear, upon which she stood up immediately and went and sat in Economy. The others were impressed and asked him what he had said to persuade her so easily. He said "Easy, I told her First Class isn't going to New York".

cruelty to amphibians

Another groaner.

The Frog Scientist

There was this not too bright scientist doing a study on how frogs respond to commands.

He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet.
He writes in his log book, frog jumps 30 feet.

Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog.
It jumps 25 feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet.

He cuts off another leg.
Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book.

Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet.
He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet.

Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! Frog doesn't move an inch.

So the scientist writes in his book...
Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!

Double groan

Definitely groan

Here's a 'groaner'!

A French man nearly got away with stealing a number of paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the robbery and getting in and out and past security, he was captured only three blocks away when his vehicle ran out of petrol. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

again to make the link work.

‎50% off Tesco hamburgers!
Sounds good till you notice it's an anagram of Scoff 50% horse meat grub!

https://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=325878677527791&set=a.180269475422046.38191.179918855457108&type=1&theater

‎50% off Tesco hamburgers!
Sounds good till you notice it's an anagram of Scoff 50% horse meat grub!

https://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=325878677527791&set=a.180269475422046.38191.179918855457108&type=1&theater