Just jokes

Not a joke but fact!

My father went to deliver an unexpected baby
The prospective grandmother watched the procedure pursed lipped, arms akimbo, refusing to help!
After te child was born, she grabbed it, shook it under her daughters nose and said
'Now! Will you say you don't know any boys?'

This wasn't me, honest!

It was our first night out after the birth of our little girl and Nan insisted on baby sitting for us.

The proud great grandma had invited all her friends round who kept asking, "Can we see Charlotte?"

"Not now, she's sleeping!" Nan said.

"Can we see the baby now?" asked another.

"Not just yet," replied Nan.

"Well dear," said another, "we must be on our way soon, can we just take a little peep at her?"

"You can see her when she cries," said Nan.

"Why when she cries?"

"Because then I'll remember where I put her!"

LOL!

The Bad Parrot

John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even
worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked , kicked the door and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said:

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Welcome home, Greatnan

I think that answer should have passed - it makes a lot of sense!

Greatnan and Barrow - funneee! Here's one, made me smile:

Question in Health and Safety exam:

What steps would you take in the event of a fire?

Answer: Effing great big ones.

#fail.

I'd like to be a glow worm
A glow worm's never glum
It's hard to be down hearted
When the sun shines out your bum

Love-making frogs
A beautiful young woman goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Love-making Frogs! Only £20 each! Comes with complete instructions. Money Back Guarantee! The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody is watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I’ll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she is home, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says.
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into your best lingerie.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog next to you.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, ‘If you have any problems or questions, please call this number. 24 hour cover.’
So, the girl calls the number and gets through to the chap she met at the pet shop. He apologises and says, "I had similar complaints earlier today. I think I know how to fix it. I’ll be right over."
Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

Ah yes. I can manage short posts (in bed) but not long ones. And there are no square brackets.

NOW I AM! not before as it would take too long.

Greatnan are you doing this on your Kindle Fire?!!

A man was on a transatlantic flight. He enjoyed a few whiskeys when he became alarmed enough to call over the stewardess. "Yes sir," she beamed, "How can I help?"
"Well I know this sounds rather strange, but I keep hearing voices."
"Voices? What kind of voices?"
"Small voices saying things like, 'You've got nice hair', 'What a pretty dress', 'nice tie', and things like that.
"Don't worry," she said, "It's the drinks. They're complimentary on this flight."
******

A young man decided to make love to his girlfriend for the first time that night. First he went to the pharmacy for some condoms. Then he'd go to her place for dinner with her parents and, later, a night of passion.

"And how many condoms, sir?" asked the pharmacist. " We've the regular three pack or you can have the larger pack containing ten condoms?"

"The ten pack, thanks, I'm hoping for a good night." He said with a wink.

Over at her place he was invited straight to the diner table as he was just a touch late.

Immediately the boyfriend led grace. After about ten minutes with heads bowed the girlfriend coughed politely and said to the young man. "I never knew you were so religious, Peter."

"And I never knew your father was the pharmacist." He replied.

A man went to confession.

"Father I have sinned. I made love to my wife."

"That's not a sin."

"But I was leaning up against the freezer at the time."

"Then say three Hail Mary's."

"You mean I'm not barred from the church?" asked the man.

"No." said the priest, "But I understand you're barred from the supermarket."

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers on their way to classes.

As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, sisters."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two older sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning, Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you the wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you."

But again after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary, I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, good morning, Mother Superior. I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant but three times already today people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker and faced Mother Superior. "Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

I got it from an American site, so it was an Hispanic joke, but I try to avoid racial stereotypes, so I changed it. I am also of Irish descent, but I am trying to avoid giving offence. (It is very easily done!)

Surely that's an Irish joke ( I can say that as I've got Irish blood!)

The factory foreman inspected the shipment of crystal vases leaving the plant, and approached his new packer. He put his arm around the man’s shoulder and said,
“Well, Stan,, I see you did what I asked. Stamped the top of each box, ‘This Side Up,
Handle With Care.’”
“Yes sir,” the worker replied. “And just to make sure, I stamped it on the bottom too.”

New customer to Computer Tech Support: “It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens'.
Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens?
Customer: 'Tried but nothing”
Tech Support: “What key did you hit?
After a moment and some clicking sound the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.

Some humour from Down Under!

Goodbye Granddad

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,

He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,

A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,

The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,

Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,

When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,

'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,

'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,

And they reckoned that our farm was just the place to look for oil.

So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,

They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles!

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste.

But I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,

So I moved the dunny over it - a real smart move I thought -

I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,

But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,

Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,

The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--

Well, he always used to hold his breath

Until he heard the splash!!

Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

Greatnan lovely to have you back! That ^^ reminds me of the style of Milton Jones!

greatnan that made me

My brother took being sent to jail really badly.
He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, then smeared the walls with his own faeces.
I'll never play monopoly with him again.