Just jokes

Your conditions of employment reminded me of the song sung by the Mill-yins. I believe it was common throughout Scotland, perhaps North of England too? substituting the name of each factory.

Donaldson's, Donaldson's - Oh what a place
The pays that they gie ye's a bloody disgrace
Ye work and ye slave frae the morning to night
An they only allow ye three minutes for a s**t

With apologies to my many Scottish friends!

Glasgow pub quiz:

Q. Take That's first album was called 'Take That......' Which two words completed the title?
A. Yer B*stard.

Greatnan - back in force!

It could happen in Britain!

Conditions of Employment.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

-- Management

An old man was tired from riding his bike, and decided to hitch hike. A guy in his red Corvette pulled up to give him a lift. When the old man brought out his bike that he had leaned up against a tree, the driver said, "I have no room for your bike in my car, but I'd like to help you in someway seeing you standing here in the hot sun." After a few seconds of thought, the driver said, "I know what we can do. I have a rope behind my seat. I'll tie one end of it to the rear end of my car and the other end to the front your bike. You ride your bike, and I'll give you this whistle. If I go too fast for you, just blow your whistle and I'll slow down." The old guy agreed to it. So off he went down the highway with the old man and his bike in tow. A little ways down the rode, a young lady in a bright yellow corvette pulls up next to them. She gives the guy in the red Vette the High Sign, meaning "you want a race?" Off they go down the highway, 100 plus MPH, the old man blowing his whistle like crazy. They zipped by a Highway Patrol cop sitting under a tree. The cop knew he couldn't catch them, so he called ahead to his fellow cop down the rode to intercept. "Car number 2, this is car number 1." "Go head number 1, what'cha got for me?" I got a red and yellow Vettes come down your way doing hundred plus, can you intercept?" "Ten-four, Is there anything else?" "Yeah, you wouldn't believe this, but there is an old guy riding a bicycle blowing his whistle trying to pass."

Greatnan's in her eerie - All's right with the world

Thanks, friends! I have to admit that three weeks in Manchester with incessant rain was getting me down a bit, much as I enjoyed my sister's company!

Wellcome back

Glad to see you back GN and not just for the jokes!

A rooster was strutting around the henhouse one Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every color of the rainbow. The rooster took one look at the colorful display, ran outside and beat the heck out of the resident peacock.

Missed you, Greatnan! Welcome back

Just a shorty to let you know I am back!

He came home from work to find his wife in a diaphanous nightie. Tie me up, she said, and you can do anything you like. So he tied her up and went golfing.

Lovely! Thanks, york

Silly, but it made me laugh!

Rabbit goes into a chemist shop and asks the chemist if he's got any carrots.
Chemist replied that he didn't sell carrots but to try the greengrocers down the road.
Next day the rabbit goes into the chemist and asked "Got any carrots?"
Chemist: "LOOK I told you yesterday we don't sell carrots and if you come in here again I'll nail your ears to the counter".
Next day the rabbit goes into the chemist and asked "Got any nails?"
Chemist: "No"
Rabbit: "Well, got any carrots?"

Elegran You're a tinker boots...

Looking forward to it Greatnan.

Thanks for the great jokes - I will be back to posting some myself next week!

Good one, Elegran!!

The door-to-door vaseline salesman was surprised when the young housewife and mother bought six jars. "What could you use six jars for?" he mused. "Oh, we use it as a sex aid" she cheerily told him.

"If it isn't a too personal a question" he asked "how do you use it then?" "We spread it on the bedroom door knob so the kids can't get in!" she answered.

Oh I am afraid! - be sure of that!!

anno I'm laughing out loud! Thank you.

Wonderful, anno! I love all those genuine complaints/excuses/reasons for accidents etc.

Yes, and some of them breed!

From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some guests' genuine complaints during the season

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local
store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons.
I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.
I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito, no-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiance and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room.
We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

They walk amongst us and they vote!!! Be afraid! Be very afraid!

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known…...
ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!