Just jokes

Brilliant!

Psychiatric Hotline is really funny! I shall pass it on to my psychiatrist friend in Queensland.

Dissuasion!

The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him.

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her; "Don't reject the guy outright." So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara."

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem!! I buy. I buy."

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine county in France."

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut!"

RIDDLES > JOKES <

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Mommy Dearest!

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

Sad and broken up she looked at me and said -
"Mommy, where's my bogie gone?"

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, quickly undressed and we had the most amazing time ever... she was all over me.

Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

Reflections on Life

George Carlin's Reflections on Life:

1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is!

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Letter from grandma

One day I recieved a letter from grandma...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or someething. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. He was enjoying this religious experience, too!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I atttended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grand

Glad to see you back on form today, Greatnan

Love the letter from grandma

Fascinating Little Johnny!

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"

Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."
The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence."

Little Johnny continued, "But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!"

Warning - not for the easily offended!

Quiz Show

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.

"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!"

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
"Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'
And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.
"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.

The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience
of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good.
Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

I am not easily offended!

Good, that is the kind of friend I like. Er....come to think of it, that is the only kind of friend I have!

The Prime Minister was asked to open the new wing of a large hospital.

He duly cut the ribbon, unveiled the plaque and wen in to meet the staff and patients.

A man in pyjamas and a dressing gown approached him, shook his hand and said
"Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.

The PM was a bit taken aback, but kept smiling and approached one of the beds. He was just about to ask the occupant what he was in for when the man jumped up and exclaimed

"Here's a bottle and an honest friend!
What wad ye wish for mair, man?
Wha kens, before his life may end,
What his share may be o' care, man?

Well, the PM was even more confused, and his smile began to look even more fixed then usual. He decided it might be better to cut short the visit, and was making his way to the door when he found his path blocked by another patient, who looked him in the eye and said
"Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi' bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee
Wi' murd'ring pattle

The PM was now quite worried, so he turned to the Matron and said "Is this a new psychiatric wing?"

"On no" said the Matron "This is the serious burns unit"

(I'll get me coat..................)

Phoenix - loved it.

Did you know that there's a great new website for the incontinent? The address is www./ \ hasanyonegotamop

(say the signs)

ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:

ON A HAIRDRYER:
*Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
*You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
*Directions: Use like regular soap.

FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:
*Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
*Fits one head.

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT:
*Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
*Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
*Do not Iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:
*Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
*Warning: May cause drowsiness.

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
*Warning: Keep out of children.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
*For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
*Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
*Warning: contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
*Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
*Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Watch what you say!

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six- year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife instructed.

Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner"!

One day, God was looking down at earth, and saw all the misbehaving (too much sex, illicit drugs, prescription drugs, alcohol and risqué emails) that was going on. So he called one of his angels to go to Earth.

When he returned, the angel told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving, and only 5% are not'.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I should send down another angel, to get a second opinion'!

So, God called another angel, & sent him to Earth too.

When the angel returned, he went to God & said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because, he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something, to help them keep going!

Do you know what the e-mail said?

No?

Okay, just checking with you.

I didn't get one either....

Two Scottish nuns go to America

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

"Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously,
"What part did you get?"

Mick was having no luck finding a girlfriend and decided to discuss it with his doctor. The doctor asked him about his hobbies. Mick told him that he liked to go swimming. "Ah", said the doctor, "I think that next time you go swimming, you should put a potato in your swimming trunks and parade round the pool. Try it and come back and see me again to report progress". Two weeks later Mick returned to his doctor. "Now Mick, how did you get on?" he asked. "Well doctor," he said "I took your advice". "Yes? and how did you get on?" asked the doctor. "Well, all the girls screamed and got out of the pool and ran into the changing rooms!" said Mick sadly. "do you know what, doctor, next time I think I'll try putting the potato in the FRONT of my trunks".

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed...+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings...+5
But return with beer ...-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something....+5
You pummel it with a six iron....+10
It's her father...-10
You leave the toilet seat up...-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party...0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2
Named Tiffany...-4
Tiffany is a dancer...-6
Tiffany has implants...-8

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner...0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10

THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget her birthday completely...-20
You forget your anniversary...-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go out with a pal ...-5
And the pal is happily married ...-4
Or frighteningly single ...-7
And he drives a Mustang...-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15
You have a few beers...-9
And miss curfew by an hour...-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20
You get home at 3 am...-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ...-40
And not wearing any pants...-50
Is that a tattoo??...-200

HER NIGHT OUT
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work...+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late...+10
You wait up...+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie...+2
You take her to a movie she likes...+4
You take her to a movie you hate...+6
You take her to a movie you like...-2
It's called DeathCop 3...-3
Which features cyborgs having sex...-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

FLOWERS
You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30
And she contracts Lyme disease...-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"....-800

FINANCES
You spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5
Something she can't use...+10
Such as a motorized model airplane...-20
And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40

DRIVING
You let her tell you how to drive...+20
You let her mother tell you how to drive...+40
You lost the directions on a trip...-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10
You end up getting lost because you followed her directions ...+10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25
You know them...-60

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding...-10
You reply, "Where?"...-35

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20

Fifty Shades of Grey

The Missus bought a paperback
Down Dymocks, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag,
It was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well, I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed,
An hour later she appeared,
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope,
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well, fifty years or so ago,
I might have had a peek,
But Doris hasn`t weathered well,
She`s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer,
Then things went from bad to worse......
She tumbled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet
A couple minutes later,
She put her teeth back in and
Said.....I must dominate her!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You`d see just why I spluttered,
I`d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I`d uttered.

She stood there nude and naked like,
Bent forward just a bit,
I thought "What the hell?"
Stepped forward,
And stood on her left t*t!

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My God, what had I done?
She moaned and groaned, then shouted out
"Step on the other one!"

Well readers, I can tell no more
About what occurred that day,
Suffice to say, my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

Erm, number 10th October 11.34

Oh dear, I DO apologise, it must have passed me by, I hope I don`t get accused of plagiarism!