Just jokes

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.
He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.

Lifestyles of Men and Women

Women's Lifestyles Through the Ages

AGE... DRINK
17... Babycham
25... White wine
35... Red wine
48... Dom Perignon
66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17... Need to wash my hair
25... Need to wash and condition my hair
35... Need to color my hair
48... Need to have Francois color my hair
66... Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT
17... shopping
25... shopping
35... shopping
48... shopping
66... shopping

FAVORITE DRUG
17... shopping
25... shopping
35... shopping
48... shopping
66... shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17... "Burger King"
25... "Free meal"
35... "A diamond"
48... "A bigger diamond"
66... "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY
17... tall, dark and handsome
25... tall, dark and handsome with money
35... tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48... a man with hair
66... a man

HOUSE PET
17... Muffy the cat
25... Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35... Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48... Children from his first marriage and Muffy theCat
66... Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17... 17
25... 25
35... 35
48... 48
66... 66

IDEAL DATE
17... He offers to pay
25... He pays
35... He cooks breakfast the next morning
48... He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66... He can chew breakfast

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men's Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK at age...
17... Beer
25... Beer
35... Scotch
48... Double scotch
66... Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE at age...
17... My parents are away for the weekend.
25... My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35... My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48... My wife is away for the weekend.
66... My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT at age...
17... Sex
25... Sex
35... Sex
48... Sex
66... Napping

FAVORITE DRUG at age...
17... Pot
25... Cocaine
35... Really good cocaine
48... Power
66... Advil

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE at age...
17... Cop a feel
25... Breakfast
35... She didn't set back my therapy
48... I didn't bump into her kids.
66... An actual erection

FAVORITE FANTASY at age...
17... Thirdbase
25... Airplane sex
35... Menage a trois
48... Taking her company public
66... Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET at age...
17... Roaches (to be burned later)
25... Old college roommate
35... Irish setter
48... Children from her first marriage
66... Barbi

THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED at age...
17... 25
25... 35
35... 48
48... 66
66... 17

IDEAL DATE at age...
17... Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25... Split the check before we go back to my place
35... Just come over
48... Just come over and cook
66... Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

Greatnan I love the 'bear' one and the 'lifestyles'!

My Girlfriend rang me last night shouting " where the hell are you"? I replied, "you know that jewellery shop we went to look at your engagement ring", she said 'Yeah' in a soft way. I said 'Well, I'm in the pub opposite'.

My boss said, "Why are all the women in your office crying?"I said, "You told me to bang some heads together."He said, "Talk about taking things literally!" So I went away and prepared a two hour lecture on taking things literally.

Dirty Words

One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word "shit". He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him "coats and jackets".

Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word "screwing", and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said "cooking".

Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words "bitches and hoes". He went home and his father told him it meant "grandpa and grandma".

Later,on Thanksgiving night,his grandparents came over.
Timmy answered the door with glee and says...
"Hey bitches and hoes! I'll take your shit to the closet cause dad's in the kitchen screwing the turkey!

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the postman was dead on the front step.

Lifestyles made me laugh.

JOKES ABOUT MEN Some are a little rude!

Woman 1: "Has your guy been circumcised?"
Woman 2: "No. He's a complete dick."

******

Woman1: "Do you ever talk to your man during sex?"

Woman2: "Only if he phones me."

******

What's the difference between a smart man and a stupid man?

Nothing. They both think they know everything.

******

My husband added some spice to our marriage.

He's left home.

******

Why do women really need men about the house?

Because they still haven't invented a vibrator that can do the dishes, cut the lawn, paint the house.........

******

How can you tell if a man is lying?

You can see his lips moving.

******

A woman goes out to buy a gun.

"It's for my husband." she explained to the shop owner.

"But, madam, guns are very personal. They need to be properly suited to their owner. Why not bring your husband along?"

"Because it would ruin the surprise: he doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him."

******

Why do men like Guy Fawkes so much?

Because he had a limp fuse when it was time for the blow-job of a lifetime.

******

Why don't men get piles?

Because they're perfect a***holes.

******

What's a man's favourite four-letter word that ends in 'K' when it comes to sex?

Talk.

******

Why are married women heavier than single women?

When single women come home they go to see what's in the fridge then go to bed. A married woman comes home, see what's in bed then go to the fridge.

******

How many men does it take to wallpaper the dining room?

Four if you slice them thinly.


Why are all jokes about women one-liners?
So men can understand them.

******

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?

Telling you his real name.

******

Why do men need sports action replays 30 seconds after the event?

Because they've forgotten what happened.

******

What does it mean when a man is lying in bed calling a woman's name and gasping for breath?

She's hasn't held the pillow down long enough.

******

Why did God create man first?

Because he needed a rough working model before creating the perfect specimen of the species.

******

What do you give a man who has everything?

Answer 1) Penicillin.
or
Answer 2) A woman to show him how to work it.

******

How many men does it take to screw-in a light bulb?

One. He just holds the bulb up to the light fitting and waits for the room to revolve around him.

******

What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.

******

Did you hear about the husband who bought a tube of lubricating jelly, saying he was really going to satisfy his wife?

He was right. She smeared it on the bedroom doorknob.

******

Should wives put the photographs of their missing husbands on beer cans?

******

When is the safest time for sex?

When your boyfriend's away on business.

******

Why do men get married?

So they don't have to hold-in their stomachs any more.

******

Why are hurricanes usually named after women?

Because they're wet and wild when they come and they take your car and house when they leave.

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at
the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her
youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens
intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At
the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They
are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her
you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember,

you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Life is Short, Smile While You still have Teeth

Thanks, Greatnan. You are a star.

I love the 'in Cahoots' one - very funny AND thought provoking.
Thanks for keeping up the good work Greatnan

Here's one for the grandchildren:

A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red." Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow." He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."

The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs:
10. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

(But I still adore cats! Greatnan)

So true about cats and dogs, Greatnan!

Greatnan - how right you are about cats! I have just about recovered after Daisy's routine check-up at the vet's. My arms are bruised from trying to get her into the pet carrier, and there are 3 dogs who innocently sniffed at the carrier whilst in the waiting room who will never assume again that 'it's just a wee white cat in that box'....!!

Does anyone know where Jeopardy is? Apparently there are hundreds of jobs there?
(Follow up to the places where Greatnan has or hasn't been!)

Obama went jogging one evening and came upon the Washington Monument.

He said, "George, what should I do?"
After a few seconds, George replied,
"Abolish the IRS and start over."

Obama thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped there. He said, "Tom, what should I do?"
After a few seconds, Tom replied,
"Abolish welfare and start over."

Obama continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial.He said, "Abe, what should I do?"
After a few seconds, Abe replied,
"Why don't you take the night off and go to the theatre?"

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

Greatnan ...the difference between dogs and cats is spot on. Love it. So funny.

A college's student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player - a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan.
This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player's academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test.
The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, "How much is five and two?" The student frowns in deep concentration - he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, "SEVEN". The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. "Give him another chance. Give him another chance".

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

You're on a roll tonight Greatnan

Answering the phone, the priest was surprised to hear the caller introduce herself as a tax inspector.
“But we do not pay taxes,” the priest said. “It isn’t you, Father, it’s one of your parishioner, Sean McCullough. He indicates on his tax return that he gave a donation of
£15,000 to the church last year. Is this, in fact, the truth?”
The priest smiled broadly. “The cheque hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m sure I’ll have it when I remind dear Sean.”