Useful guidelines

Thanks Geraldine

Geraldine

I remember an occasion when a whole lecture theatre full of psychologists ganged up on a speaker who was not really considered to be pc with his psychological approach. And the bullying continued all through the weekend. Nobody thought they were being bullies though.

And I didn't come up smelling of roses!

Being victimy and weak is another very effective way of controlling and isolating someone, especially if you can make it seem to everyone else that they are bullying you.

It's a fascinating subject really.

Interesting to ponder, your last remark, petallus - I think we all have potentialities for all varieties of bad behaviour within us. There have been one or two occasions when I have been interviewing a truly appalling candidate (one that has obvious inconsistencies in the information they offer about themselves) when I have felt that temptation to go for the jugular. But have pulled back on the grounds that they are not going to get the job anyway, so having a go at them would be self indulgent.
I do think people can hide their bullying side quite well though and only show it when they are in a powerful position. Most people who have married an abusive man will probably agree with me - they can be charm itself in the initial stages of a relationship and then turn controlling or violent after you have got pregnant or signed the register of marriages.

I didn't specialise in bullying Greatnan although I did see a fair number of people for counselling who had been on the receiving end of bullying in the workplace and in their personal relationships.

There is some literature out there on the psychological mechanisms which go on in bullying. For instance, projecting an unwanted, hated part of oneself (say weakness) on to another and then persecuting it in them instead of recognising it in oneself and dealing with it.

Also bullying is thought to sometimes take place as a way of intensifying group cohesion.

And other possibilities that have already been mentioned.

However, to answer your question, I don't think you would have to know someone well before suspecting they were a bully. Maybe before you could know why they are.

I think one of the most difficult things might be recognising bullying tendencies in oneself.

No worries, pogs. I do that sometimes too .

Petallus, as a psychologist, would you agree that you would have to know somebody well before deciding they were a bully?

Bags

#Thank you for your explaination. Maybe my defence mechanism kicked in a little too quickly.

While I was wiping the marmalade from my iPad this morning a more succinct reply to Pogs' post above popped into my head. It is this:

No, pogs, it was a rhetorical question aimed in the general direction of this online conversation.

Cheers pal, as they say around here

Very well said, lily.

I'm quite confused by bullying now. Everyone used to understand the rules which in many ways operated most unfairly (older, bigger, stronger against younger, smaller, weaker and group against individual, physical response to verbal attack - and male against female). It wasn't subtle and ignored some of the realities of life. But as Bags says, it is all so muddy now and some of it, at least, seems to rest with how it's perceived.

I think a lot of bullies have suffered themselves, perhaps in a situation they could not control, and enjoy the sensation of being in charge. They may not know this consciously, but the satisfaction achieved reinforces the behaviour.

Some children are strong enough to withstand bullying. Someone tried text trolling with my senior GD, but she put a stop to it herself. A child with strong self-esteem has more chance of dealing with bullying than one who is a bit self-effacing and easy meat for the bullies.

I think girl bullies have always had a great capacity for being appallingly spiteful and malicious and probably verbal bullying hasn't increased. Even bullying via new technology still tends to be a mob exercise.

I was thinking that maybe physical bullying among girls has escalated but then I remembered having my head repeatedly banged against a wall by a group of girls at infant school to punish me for stealing someone else's sweets. Interestingly, the ringleader of the group turned out to be the actual thief. None of the teachers did anything about this and I never told my parents. I suspect lots of other girls never reported such incidents.

Yes it does widen the options doesn't it.
If children I know say someone is "being mean" I usually point out that people who do this are feeling bad about themselves and that they think they will feel better if they succeed in making someone else feel bad. However it does not work very well for them, so they may keep on doing it.

I have no evidence to back up whether bullying has increased or not over the past decades, but I do feel that the means available to any bully - and by that I mean the development in social networking - makes it easier, and the cloak of anoniminity easier still, and it is there for all to see, unlike the 'old fashioned' poison pen letter.

I think I have read somewhere that bullies are often people who feel inferior rather than superior and tormenting others, verbally or physically, gives them a sense of being in control which they otherwise wouldn't have.

The media are very fond of saying that bad things are increasing, without any evidence that this is the case.

I agree with your last, jane, about horrid texts somehow taking on more importance because they can be referred back to. That's not to say they weren't important (in the sense of being hurtful) in the first place, but having a record of the hurt means it can be dwelt on.

Hi pogs, my question was 'aimed', as you put it, at anyone who cared to think about it and answer. It wasn't a dig, if that's what is worrying you. It was a way of saying that I think everyone agrees that phone trolling between schoolchildren is bullying, because a previous post had singled out that issue. That's all. It was an agreeing post expressed as a question – perhaps not the best way, as I see with hindsight, but it's difficult to know things like that in advance .

Just for everyone's future reference, and to prevent confusion: if I am "aiming" a comment at someone, I will make that clear by using the person's name. Any post without a named 'aim' is not 'aimed' at anyone, but is for general consumption, or to be ignored if no-one is interested. You could say that they are aimed at the ether.

Not new of course greatnan but anecdotal evidence seems to suggest it is more common and particularly among girls, more vicious.
And possibly bullying via social media is more lasting and more hurtful - rather more difficult to forget insults when they are written there for the world to see in perpetuity, rather than spoken at an opportune moment in the school lavatories and brushed off.

Is bullying a new phenomenon? I remember it happening in my school and neighbourhood over 60 years ago.

Bikergran.

I obviously could not agree more.

I found this clip that was once posted in our local paper, it was from a nurse who had been bullid at work for over 20 yrs, she is now well retired so it happened a long time ago.I will omit her name just in case!
it was titled "BEWARE OF ADULT BULLIES"
I am writing about the article on bullying.the letter goes on to say
: Bullying seems to be a growing problem in todays society.It seems to be thriving in our schools and in the workplace etc.But you could also have an adult bully living in your neighbourhood.He or she could possess good social skills, be witty, helpful, good talker,charming, plausble, have lots of friends and aquaintances, but the bully can also have a hidden dark side and be cunning, vindictive, self important, selfish, insensitive, childish or have Jekyll and Hyde persona.He or she may have a grudge towards a person or a neighbour and will then conduct a psychological vendetta against the victim who could be someone who is a loner with few friends, has poor social skills, is naive, sensative, prone to feeling guilty and therefore is an easy target for the bully.
The Bully will then proceed to discredit his victim by spreading malicious gossip or any dubious or missleading information. the bully's many friends or aquaintances will be more than happy to provide to help the bully with the vendetta against the victim.The Bully will also incite other people in the neighbourhood to withdraw their friendship from the victim and they shall be happy to comply with the request and this isolates the victim and makes his/her life very difficult.
If you! have a bully living in your neighbourhood, Don't be fooled by his/her charm and other skills, otherwise the "bullies" will always win!