Useful guidelines

LOL Absent
In the spirit of bullet point (4) (it would have been better if you had numbered them), IMHO you have got out of bed the wrong side this morning, unless of course you are still in it, enjoying a nice and posting from your ipad or other device.
Or have I wildly misintepreted your post?

jane I'm enjoying my third cup of tea and am not in bed. I can get out of it only on one side unless I clamber all over Mr absent – who would love that at six in the morning.

Good morning, folks - have a lovely day and I'll see you sometime next week!

Very funny absent
And ignore anything Eleanor Rooseveldt had to say on the subject. And buy yourself a genuine all-leather whip so that you can scourge yourself if you overstep any of the above more than once a month. [gin] no, no I meant [grin} try again [gran] grin aw shoot.

As my Scottish Granny was wont to say "I stand corrected". (I think)

absent, . Ten, no, eleven, bonus points will be added to your account immediately.

That phrase is still in use, gracesmum. I used it the other day – genuinely.

I never admit to being wrong

to you all!

Or alternatively: 'Never apologise, never explain'.

I'm always wrong . It is stamped across my forehead like Rimmer's hologram].

Oh, I don't know absent
MrA rather likes it if I clamber all over him
It's appropriating his half of the duvet he's not best pleased about

At six in the morning janeain? Respect.

absent that's great. Posting of the day I reckon.

janeain Gracesdad should be so lucky

absent...bloody brilliant.

Sharp and funny OP, absent if a bit pointed in its timing.
In the interest of balance, here are some more guidelines:-

To avoid being labelled a wimp, please follow these guidelines closely:

1Join every thread whether or not you know anything at all about the subject under discussion. Your opinion is as valid as the next person and, indeed, as the "man/woman in the street" it is more useful than the tired platitudes of someone who had spent their working life in the field.

2Argue with all previous posts, especially if they show a broad agreement.

3If you spy a post by someone who had the nerve to criticise you last March, be sure to bring their previous bad judgement into the issue.

4Remember you have experience in formal debating, so your knowledge must be superior to that of the poster, as well as your ability to put over your point. Be suitably patronising to anyone fumbling for words.

5Pick on some shaky fringe detail of a post to refute. This will prove that the poster is ignorant or mistaken about the whole subject and their honest opinion is worthless. Ignore the parts which do make sense, then they will believe that these are mistaken too.

6When asked to clarify or explain anything in a post you have made, use more erudite or pretentious language that was in the original post. That will make them feel even more stupid, and you will feel even more superior.

7Quote obscure authorities but avoid giving too much detail on where to check up on the original evidence. Criticise anyone else who does the same.

8State repeatedly that you have never in your life been afraid of anyone and have always called a spade a spade.

9Use technical terms like "syllogism" when replying to people whose education did not cover such formal expressions. That will put them in their place.

10Rush to defend an abrasive post with references to it being "just a joke" and imply that anyone who felt the barb has no sense of humour. Be ironic when the rest of the thread was down-to-earth and sober. Sneer at those too naive to recognise irony.

11Never apologise, never explain.

12Always have the last word, even if it a month since the last post on the subject.

Mr soop is shouting...Brilliant! Thank you for making us laugh out loud.

Absent and Elegran Will there be a test on this? If so, how many marks is it worth?

To ensure you have the last word, post in latin. Finis.

Elegran that is brilliant

I used to think you were safe sticking to threads about knitting, cooking, pets, gardening and hobbies, but on one expat forum a huge row developed in the Horses and Riding section -something about not having horses shoed.
I was pilloried by some dog lovers for saying I did not think dogs should be allowed in restaurant kitchens. I was told their dogs were cleaner than my grandchildren! There is almost no subject that nobody can get upset about. Is that a double negative - well, you know what I mean, you pedants!
Hey ho, my migraine is gone, the dog has had a walk, and I have recorded lots of 'serious' discussion programmes on the TV this morning, so I can get my blood pressure raised by disagreeing with all the pundits.

and...nils illegitimo carborundum!