I am feeling very overwhelmed,by the amount of concern and support that soop has been passing to me from my lovely friends,I thought if I slipped quietly away into my "darkness" no one would notice I had slipped away,similar to a really low point last week,we visited a small town or our lovely coast,the car inches from the harbour rails and the lapping high tide,the thoughts of just slipping in and letting the water submerge me and the resulting peace was very very enticing.
You will have guessed from that that the dreaded blackdog has visited me again,it is something that I have fought all my life,but in later years only come to recognise it for what it is,it has many triggers and many faces.I have been on a maintenance dose of antidepressants for about four years,but my GP,decided from latest research that the dose I have been taking has been proven to cause heart problems in the elderly!!(thanks for that doc) so a reduction in dose was suggested,and I feel has left me vulnerable again.
The threads with the "differences" hadn't offended or attacked me in anyway,but in my heightened emotional state don't like discord,although if two people in the street where having a heated discussion I would move away and not listen as with the threads just not look,I think it was more a case of the threads with everyone meeting and not being able,through geography and finances,and family restraints,that bought home to me how much I have come to value you as friends as you are obviously becoming the friends and the family that have been missing from my life for such a long while.....you may have guessed now its me,my new name is an amalgam of the three different surnames in our household...we jokingly use it as our collective family name...I am still very low,but have come back from that very low point....the humour is still there but it is taking all my energy at the moment to slay the enemy...I won't say black dog because I have a lovely blackdog who is snuggling next to me as I write this,so not all black dogs are evil.
As my lovely soophas said many of my friends are fighting the unseen enemy also,so I feel able to open up to you and confirm my empathy with you all,and in turn support you to fight your battles also,but just be very sure I love you all as friends ,and as a surrogate family .
I will still sign myself as Nellie,and please call me Nellie after all what is in a name,...thank you allxxxxxxxxlovenellie
