Moving out of the family home due to age/mobility issues?

Summer.

I absolutely understand where you are coming from. My husband and I are in the same boat and we are having to look into this on a personal level. My father is 93 and we went through getting help from social services and having his bungalow adapted, it has been very successful. Now it's our time.

This question does however have some bearing on your parents finances. Their home, if they choose to, can be adapted quite successfully with a stairlift and downstairs shower room. There is also the cost of maintenance.!

When I say maintenance it is the cost of cleaning, gardening, home repairs etc., it's those things we are finding have a huge bearing on where we live. We love our home but we struggle to clean it and maintain it but cannot afford to pay for help.

Your are a good daughter to be thinking of your mum and dad and you sound quite capable of helping them without patronizing them. The reason I think it is perfectly OK for you to be asking the question is simply this. You sound as though you are accepting the situation that at some stage in the future you may 'possibly' be giving them more of your time and help too. Not every family has that contact, through no fault of their own, so each family is different. I know my daughter is walking in your shoes at the mo and I am thinking of her future too, maybe your mum and dad are doing the same and they will determine their future with YOU in mind.

Dear Summerof75
I'm new to the site and am reading old posts, yours really hit home with me as I've had the same problem.
My Mum didn't want to go into a home or sheltered housing and I have to say that for us social services were a very big let down.
We got Mum a saniflow toilet downstairs, it took up very little space. In fact it went under the stairs, just like Harry Potter. One problem solved and one to go...the stairs!!
I rang a few places about stairlifts and ended up with a company called Leodis Stairlifts. They were great. They came round to the house and did a free survey and then they decided which the best stairlift for my Mum was, it was fitted within two days (well within budget too).
My Mum is happy that she can stay in her own home and we feel that she's safe and comfortable.
Their website is Leodisstairlifts.co.uk
All the best.

Having noted Mishap's post about grants for alterations, I quizzed my sister today on the way to visit BIL in Hospital. She told me they were given 80% grant 9regardless of income or savings) towards their new downstairs, wheelchair accessible loo and walk in shower with the added bonus of a small room sized, open area which they will use as a computer room. They were awarded the grant because BIL has prostate and Bone cancer and was finding the stairs to the bathroom difficult. The alteration - made by extending into the garage - has been managed by Social Work department, the tradespersons have been excellent and the 'finish' is exemplary according to retired joiner DH.

Building control issued the completion certificate today. Timing could not be better, as BIL broke his femur last Saturday, slipped and fell heavily on wet decking at back door, has been in hospital since, had an operation to fix a metalo plate in his leg and is due home next Monday/Tuesday with a zimmer frame ON CONDITION THAT HE HAS ACCESS TO A DOWNSTAIRS LOO!

I think if my wife had been alive there could have been problems living with Dad.
Friction has been caused by a lady who thought she should have inherited the house.
I do keep in contact with a friend who I met in the hospice where my wife passed away and he is now in difficulties as his Dad now has dementia and is now in care.
I think he almost takes the view he failed him by not being able to keep his father at home.
Another severe worry he had was Social Services told him the house jointly owned by his father and himself would have to be sold to fund his father's care.
Fortunately I knew this was not correct and pointed my friend in the right direction.
While I agree the elderly parent has to be considered and looked after the offspring has to consider their interests as well.

Excellent advice, Hilda. Goodwill is not enough.

Summerof75,

We thought we could look after elderly FIL by all living together. All I can say it takes a very special sort of person to do this even if there is plenty of money around to buy equipment like stair lifts etc. We could not cope and I really dont reccommend it unless you and your partner are very very special.

What I will reccommend is that you insist that your parents sit down and make a list of all the things that you can do. Get advise for as many organisations/charities as you can as available help varies from area to area. Make it very clear to them as best you can that they must come up with a plan whilst they are mentally and emotionally up to it. What they dont want is to leave it too late so that choices are imposed upon them by others less caring than you. We would gently make suggestions to FIL before he was too poorly and we allowed him to prevaricate........it seems kinder at the time but ITS NOT! Please tell them that it would be so much better if they can make plans now, I am in my mid 50s and I have already started introducing the subject to my daughters letting them know the general idea about my end of life wishes. Its a bit like writing a will, if you dont tell them how you want to live at the end of your life then how will they know? P.S. would be good idea to introduce subject of Powers of Attorney too........at least we had that so that when FIL was gaga we could keep his finances ticking over as he would have wished.

She is doing fine, Mishap, just peeved at missing out on her very active lifestyle in the middle of Summer! She has a wheelchair and her husband is home this week, but her daughter has just finished the second year of her nursing training and is now on holiday, so she is being well looked after. I have been very good, and not said a word about all the lectures she gave me on keeping safe while walking in the mountains! Wearing trainers on wet slopes - I ask you!
I won't be bungee jumping or parachuting - I may be slightly eccentric but I am not raving mad! I do a fair bit of scrambling over rocks on my walks here, but they are not quite vertical faces . In fact, when I watch the rock climbers here it makes my knees turn to jelly!
Yes, we did consider that we could move my cabin, but it would cost quite a bit to get the foundation laid and the mains services connected so the other options seem better.

I confess to not having read all the posts. So forgive me if someone has already suggested..................a stair lift.

Would be cheeper than the bath/shower room extension. My mum used one of these for years, and was able to stay in her home because of it. Unfortunately she is now in a residential home due to mental heath problems.

jeni, don't give her ideas!!

Greatnan a Kiwi colleague told me that when she moved a few years ago - she really did 'move' the house!

She wanted more land but loved her house, so as is apparently the done thing there, the large house was cut in half and loaded on the back of two transporters and driven to the new plot and put back together.

I don't think there would be a problem in you taking your cabin here and there!

Greatnan kayaking,riding? I would have thought you'd have included rock climbing, parachuting and bungee jumping as well! [stark staring bonkers] emoticon!

How is your DD getting on with her broken ankle greatnan?

I recently posted a list of rules I had drawn up for myself when I go to live close to my daughter in New Zealand. At first, the intention was that I would buy a cabin and site it in her garden. On further reflection, we have both decided that this could create problems if they ever want to sell their present house and move further out of town, to get more land. I don't think I will be able to afford to buy a property in NZ so I am looking at the market in long-term rentals, which would leave me the capital from the sale of my small flat in France.
The alternative which we have discussed is that they buy a property that actually has a smaller house on the land - this is fairly common in NZ, where land is freely available and many farms have houses for extended families.
In that case, I would contribute towards the cost of the property.
I want to emigrate whilst I am still fit enough to enjoy the outdoor lifestyle which I love -their village is about 12 miles from the beautiful beaches around Richmond, there is wonderful walking in the National Park, and I intend to take up riding and kayaking.
I think even mothers and daughters who love each other dearly, could find the loss of privacy difficult. I know I would. The idea is that I will be near enough to my daughter for us to see each other often - but by appointment! No dropping in unexpectedly especially once her last two children have left home and she and her husband can enjoy a second lease of romance!

Hi SummerOf75 I was in a fairly similar situation a couple of years back. My parents were in their late 60's at the time and whilst my dad was extremely fit (still is) my mum was in very poor health and had to be literally carried upstairs to use the bathroom. Unfortunately their ex-local authority home was worth very little compared with how much it would cost them to buy a bungalow and building on to their existing home was not an option. After several meetings with the local authority and letters from consultants etc. they were given priority status to be rehoused into a local authority bungalow which they moved into about a 3 years ago. They went on to sell their 3 bedroomed terraced house but now have to pay full rent to the local authority which at £90 per week is not cheap but a small price to pay for safety, security and comfort.

Their bungalow is on a small estate of 25 similar properties and my parents (who are both in their 70's) are now the young couple who live in the corner.

Ariadne your post could be mine - it describes more or less everything we think following our move to be near DD + DGC (and the sea) earlier this year.

I would say that leaving an area where you have built up good friends and contacts is a bit daunting and you have to be prepared to go out and start building them again in your new area. I do think it is best to do it whilst you have choices and the energy necessary for what is a major change. The thought of being forced into hasty decisions if/when health or other problems strike in later life is not one we relished.

The other thing I would recommend, as has been voiced already, is to have full and frank discussions with DD (and DSiL) to ensure that both parties are happy with the proposed move and are clear about what would be involved. We said that DD could call any time but we would not call on her unless invited - her and DSiL's privacy is more important to them than ours is to us. I love it when she and /or DGC pop in for a coffee or a chat!

I do occasionally get a twinge of missing my old life but a brisk walk by the beautiful coast and I am back to counting my many blessings!

I am torn on this issue. After my mother died in her late 80s my father remained in their bungalow (bought when they retired) for the next 10 years until he died in his early 90s. He was very fit to the end, physically and mentally. Both my sister and I lived a 100 miles away so frequent visits were not practical but my father was embedded in his local community, an active member of three different community groups, he also was part of a large social group and was seeing friends or attending or organising events almost daily. It was absolutely the right decision for him and for us. BUT

I also have a friend, unmarried, who spent most of her working life overseas. When she retired she bought a large retirement bungalow in a development close to where she grew up. Although she is fully fit and independent she thought this was the best solution as she was moving back to the UK after a longtime away and her friends, like me were scattered over the UK and the development gave her a built in social group while she built up her own social network in the town she now lives in and as she gets older she will be able to stay in the development no matter how her health and fitness decline as it also includes a care home.

At the end of the day it is a decision to be made by the couple themselves, hopefully in discussion with immediate family but whatever that decision is both sides of the equation have to live with the choice made.

Our very recent move was, in part, a planned move with a bit of a view to our future, together with a wish to be nearer to our children (and the sea.) Also, having tried very hard to look after my mother at a distance while working full time, I was aware of the problems and stress it can cause.

We haven't downsized much and so far I am loving it all - the pace of life, DGC popping in (never known this) and, of course, we do know lots of people here; but there is one thing of which I am certain - I would not like to do the whole moving thing again, and certainly not when I was older. It was exhausting and stressful. But it was our decision, and ours alone. That, too, is important.

I am in a different situation in the fact I was bought up in my parents house in Birmingham, got married,moved to London, had 2 daughters who went to Birmingham University and settled in Birmingham then sadly Mum and my wife passed away.
Mum and Dad split their house into tenants in common ownership and I inherited Mums half.
I then got early retirement in London and Dad and I agreed there was no point us living in separate houses.
As Dad was in his mid 80's at the time I thought it would be best if the house was sold and we should by a bungalow.
At that time Dad was enjoying very good health for his age and I think he could have been of some help in setting up the new bungalow.
Unfortunately Dad just took the view he had lived in the house for 60 years and that was home and that is where he wanted to stay.
Luckily Dad never got many physical problems and he passed away earlier this year when he was nearly 90.
I was there for Dad if he had needed care but he did not need much but I took him to several places which he wanted to see while he was alive.
I am now the full owner of the house at age 63.
I am now thinking of selling the house and purchasing a bungalow as I am not exactly a spring chicken.
I think I will be a little sad if I do move as I tended to regard that house as home.
I now have my 2 daughters, 2 son's in law and grandchildren living a mile from me.
I just hope they stay in Birmingham.

Frank

I would try to get a lift and a shower/WC put in. Leaving the family home can be very saddening. My MIL moved to be near us but was aged 86 at a time when she knew she just couldn't manage anymore.
Her immobility was making her unhappy and she had found herself in a couple of desperate situations.

I shall leave it myself until that point in my life arrives.

Is there any reason a stairlift cannot be fitted?

We have a very strong emotional bond with our home - the views, the community, the neighbours, the activities in the village etc. And also the alterations we have done to make it suit our needs and personalities etc. - and all the memories. We would find it very hard indeed to move from here, even though our rational minds fully understand the practical problems (steep hill, steps up to the house, steps inside the house, no buses etc.). And we would find it very hard to face the necessary upheaval.

What I am trying to say is that the decision is not just a practical one. I am sure you can see all the practical considerations - and I am equally sure that you are right about them - but that does not mean that it would be easy for your parents to tear themselves away from their home.

If they cannot afford to make the necessary alterations, there are grants available and the local SSD should send an OT to assess what is needed. If his/her recommendations were for the alterations then they would have support in applying for financial help.

I worked as a SW with elderly and disabled for many years and these decisions are always very hard. I have seen some people make the sensible move and be thoroughly miserable and never feeling at home in their new place; and other situations where it has worked out well. In the end they need to be 100% behind any decision.

I do also understand how worrying it must be for you and how lucky they are to have your thoughtful concern.

SummerOf75, My in laws moved from a three bedroomed house into a one bedroom flat in a retirement complex when they were in their mid sixties. FIL had diabetes and a heart problem. We thought they were crazy. It seemed too soon to be putting themselves in 'an old folk's home'. How wrong we were. They soon made friends, had a great social life, extra money for holidays and when FIL died, MIL had loads of support and was able to get her life back on track without too many problems.
My mother, on the other hand, refused to move from her bungalow into a retirement flat, despite having had a stroke, until she was 89. It was too late for her to really enjoy the benefits and now her health has declined, to the point she cannot leave her flat, I think she has missed out.

It's a tough call. Good Luck.

It sounds as if you have covered all the options. 60's and 70's is not very old to feel it is necessary to move/downsize, but I think you made a good point about doing it before a person is forced to by disability or old age. 20 miles is not that far, so if a move is on the cards, is there the likelihood of anything near where they live now? As to the downstairs loo/shower room, I think this would always add value to a house (a wet room or at least a walk in shower is best) If your Dad moved downstairs, it wounds as if upstairs would be underused which does not make good financial sense, so in my mind the jury is out regarding moving or not. They are also going to have to accept the increased expense of help in the garden even if(or especially if) your father is a keen gardener. Good luck - you sound a very caring sensible daughter!

i am so glad you took my comments well, as they were certainly meant well

This is so hard, but if your parents chose to live in squalor, but stay put, it would still be their choice, somehow. Perhaps with a WC and toilet downstairs, maybe your dad could live downstairs with a proper hospital type bed, and maybe get rid of the dining-room?

Hi granjura, I'm inclined to agree wrt living together! I know a couple of cases where it's worked well but only when it was one widowed parent and they had their own little suite of rooms. One of mum's friends lives with her daughter now and it sounds a bit fraught.

I re read my OP and it does sound like I'm trying to force them to move, I'm not, but my mum is understandably not keen to change anything (the age difference is quite pronounced now - she seems middle aged while dad is more of an old man). I'm introducing the idea of moving and trying to be really positive about it so that she at least considers it properly.

I did mention that a downstairs shower/WC would probably add to the value of the house if/when they do want to sell and told her I'd been watching Phil Spencer, so maybe she'd feel better if she could say that's why they did it...

My heart says if they can afford the alterations they should do them but if not they do need to look at moving. Where to is another matter, cross that bridge when/if we come to it!