Am I a drudge?

VQ - being at home and contributing to your OH's wellbeing rather than pursuing your former career does not make you " a shell of a person" - it just means that at the moment you are in a different place in your life - that is fine. You are still you.

We are brainwashed into thinking that we have to be young, beautiful and earning lots of money in order to be a worthwhile person - don't succumb to this!

If you have MH problems at present you are in the right place and doing the right things. The goalposts have moved for you at the moment; you have new and different challenges to meet - all as valid and important as pursuing a professional career.

I have spent 2 months unable to go out and sometimes feel useless - my DDs knock that on the head and say I have done lots for them in my time and it is their turn to do lots for me - and to let them enjoy that. Yesterday when I went to get some rehab help my DD just said "Thank goodness you are looking after yourself for a change."

Just because I cannot do what I used to does not mean life is not worthwhile - and it is the same for you.

I am not a drudge or a shell, and neither are you!!

Perhaps you're right, nightowl. She's only ever known me as a proactive person who lived every day. Now I'm a shell of the person she knew and she can't understand why I seem to accept it. But I haven't accepted it, I've just adapted to the way things are at the moment. As for looking after my husband...well, apart from doing it because I love him, it gives me a sense of achievement that I've done something worthwhile during the day.

I think I will try to discuss it with her, tell her that I found the word hurtful and explain that with my MH issues actually getting up is an achievement so doing all the things I manage to do is actually a miracle.

You know your friend vampirequeen, but is it possible she was expressing her concern for you albeit in a very clumsy manner? If she sees you unable to get out when you have previously had a professional career, perhaps she feels sad and worried for you? I only ask because I once put both feet well and truly in it with a friend who was unhappy in her marriage but felt unable to leave for financial reasons. I made some very unwise and (with hindsight) unacceptable comments, which I would love to be able to retract now.

She's in her late twenties. She feels that there is more to life than housework although she did concede that when you're housebound there isn't that much more you can do lol.

Can I ask what age this "young" person is? I have a feeling it is someone between the ages of 35> 45. I say this as I come into contact with a lot of women of this age through my DD. and it all seems to be about: Me Me Me.

drudge > noun a person made to do hard, menial, or dull work.

vampirequeen You are not made to do anything. Ergo, you are not a drudge. It was rather rude of someone else to suggest that you are, especially in a public place.

Good for you biker nothing better than sitting watching the world go by sweetie.x glamma

merlotgran now you know us grannies! are a genteel lot
glammanana oh I have been here! "lurking" sitting quietly in a corner "watching, learning" !

It's called teamwork vampirequeen!

Sorry. I'm back. I'm annoyed about this. Of course you're not a drudge. Who does she think she is to say that you are?

mishap has got it right. You seem happy, you are making it work. No drudgery or exploitation involved that I can see. All the best. Enjoy. Many are far more unhappy than you, I reckon!

It seems to me that this young person should mind their own business. Every couple decides for themselves how they manage their lives. If you feel happy doing this, then it is right for you. Well done you for being a supportive spouse and for working in partnership - I am sure your OH does lots of things for you in his own way. All power to your elbow - keep up the good work.

This is what marriages are made of.

Nellie There comes a time when it's too much to continue doing some things. That's when I feel old!

When I could do them all it was very liberating, and my dd is a chip off the old block!

Her DH is too, but it was a block with woodworm!

VQ - you do what you do willingly and with love for your DH, that is what I call the basis of a successful marriage. Many years ago a school colleague "boasted" that her DH always had to cook on Saturday night as that was "Cook's night off"- they divorced within the year and I wondered if her inflexibility had anything to do with it.

Ella I have done all the decoration in our house for the last 25yrs, and that is enough! I got a man in for the stripping and repapering of a bedroom last month after DH had bought all the stuff in May and insisted he was going to do it.

My back is increasingly complaining if I stand for long periods and I am lucky enough to be able to afford to do that. Not to mention laying flooring around a toilet and many other things.

Partnership, love, co-operation...that's what it's all about! You are not a drudge, vq, just playing your part in your strong team. Go for it! X

I agree with everyone else VQ ,my ex used to work long tiring hours in all weathers,digging through snow to repair burst water mains,I worked less hours and felt it was my job to deal with any mundane problems and have a hot meal waiting whatever time of the night,and frequently was all night,and the dinner went in the bin,Christmas days,children's birthdays,his service to the public was needed.a very hard working man,now he is riddled with joint problems ,and back problems through his work to support his family,and even though we are no longer together,I still respect that he was a very good provider,who showed his love for his family by working so hard....so no you are being a loving wife,supporting your husband,...maybe your young friend is jealous of your relationship?xxxxlove nellie

Nellie My dd this weekend, bought a new dishwasher, brought it home, disconnected and removed the old one, and fitted the new one!
Her DH (? Huh) came in to the kitchen, went mad about the mess and said "Why is the old one still here?"

She phoned me and said "Thanks Mum for bringing me up to do these things!"

Given that he is out working with an dreadfully long journey and you do not go out that is a fair division of labour. I would think differently if you were both out at work. When I was at home with the children and he was the sole breadwinner I did the all housework stuff.

Ella I know just what you mean. My DH has not worked for a long time when I was still working but, there was never much done about the house. I was coming home at 6:30pm to "do you have any ideas about dinner"

Hey Biker nice to see you have you been busy,I've missed you.

Thank you everyone. I didn't feel I was a drudge...in fact it had never crossed my mind until my young friend said so. Unfortunately she is part of the 'me now' culture. I told her I felt we were a partnership but she didn't seem to understand. We were in a taxi at the time and the driver said in his opinion I was the perfect wife lol.

Conform her, biker Do you mean duff her up?

Vqueen send your "aquaintence* round to *gransnet" we will conform her

Ana 'an ardent womens' libber'? Didn't they die out long ago - sadly? I have always thought life was simple, you just do your bit, whatever that may be. I've always earned my living by dint of my brain and am uncomfortable with women who choose to hitch themselves to men who can provide more than they could themselves - there seem to be more of those women now, rather than less. VP is supporting her man and that is exactly the way it should be - I'm not sure that the women of the the 60s who did forge a path for equal rights, as a breed, still exist.

I agree with all the others vq, you are certainly not a drudge. We all have different ways of showing and sharing love in our relationships.
When first married and DH worked outside, I used to put his scarf on under my dressing gown in the morning, so last thing before he left the flat he had a warm scarf to wrap around his neck. I blush now to think of it, but I was only 18!
Doing nice things for each other helps to keep smiles on faces