Passive aggressiveness and how to deal with it

All, or certainly most, of my teachers kept on telling us to say if we didn't understand what they were on about. They were not being patronising. It's OK not to understand and not to be understood. It's also OK to say you don't understand and to say that you think someone hasn't understood you.

Isn't it?

It always has been in my world.

I remember a lecturer saying to me something similar to the phrase that you highlight, mouse. I said I didn't understand something he was saying (it was a philosophy lecture). He responded, perfectly kindly and politely, I thought, with: "That's because I haven't made myself clear enough." I did not take that to be sarcastic or aggressive in any way; I thought he was simply speaking honestly. He then did make himself clear enough to be understood by me, and probably others. As he said, if one of us didn't understand something, it was quite likely someone else (or several others) didn't either.

That's so right. If you try to respond to a passive aggressive you come across looking as if you're in the wrong so you can't win either way. Well that's how it affects me

I agree with your comment, Lily. I think the example given of the soldiers is much more to do with passive resistance than aggression. A different kettle of fish altogether.

I think passive aggression has much to do with the what, the why and the how of unspoken communication, as much as the spoken word. A look, a shrug, a turning of the back can all be used to good effect (if one wishes to play the p.a. game) when, for some reason, a straightforward remark is unable to be made.

I think sarcasm is passive aggressive.

I agree with VQ, lily and Mice There is a lot of it about and is one of the reasons I am happy to be retired. Too much of it at work and now when I come across it I can get away from that person and have nothing to do with them, unless I choose to. If you try to deal with it you usually come across some sort of self-righteous response or the patronising 'you don't understand' implying stupidity.

One example is the response frequently made ( and sometimes even seen on these forums) 'Im so sorry you didn't understand what I said. I'll try to make it clearer'.

In other words 'You are are dull and stupid you cannot even understand a simple explanation'.

I was wondering that too, lily, especially about the soldiers' behaviour.

The other thing is that only 7% of communication is verbal, so I think the article just skims the surface, there's a lot more to it than that.

Just don't get on that see-saw with the passive-aggressive person! Make a mental note, don't react with game-y comments, maybe make a genuine observation 'ouch - that hurt!' or my old standby 'hmm that's interesting!' (My children rumbled that one years ago!)

Passive-aggression is usually an invitation to get into some sort of power game. I still fall for it every now and then, but try not to

Isn't there a confusion of passive aggression and passive resistance?

Passive aggressives are difficult to deal with as they can make you feel guilty when you haven't done anything wrong and can, over a period of time, undermine your self esteem to the point where you take the blame regardless. I was married to one and know what an incidious form of abuse this is.

Me too j08.
I don't think 'Don't worry about me, I'll be fine' is passive-aggressive, unless it is uttered in a martyred tone.
It is possible to say those words assertively and really mean them, for example when DH does off for the day sailing, feels marginally guilty about it, but the reality is that I'm perfectly happy to have a day at home by myself.
I do recognise the WW2 soldiers behaviour of procrastination and work-to-rule though. The unspoken message being 'I'll do it but only because I have to and I hate you for making me do it'.

Guess which box I clicked on at the end. #theoneinthemiddle