Passive aggressiveness and how to deal with it

Guess which box I clicked on at the end. #theoneinthemiddle

Me too j08.
I don't think 'Don't worry about me, I'll be fine' is passive-aggressive, unless it is uttered in a martyred tone.
It is possible to say those words assertively and really mean them, for example when DH does off for the day sailing, feels marginally guilty about it, but the reality is that I'm perfectly happy to have a day at home by myself.
I do recognise the WW2 soldiers behaviour of procrastination and work-to-rule though. The unspoken message being 'I'll do it but only because I have to and I hate you for making me do it'.

Passive aggressives are difficult to deal with as they can make you feel guilty when you haven't done anything wrong and can, over a period of time, undermine your self esteem to the point where you take the blame regardless. I was married to one and know what an incidious form of abuse this is.

Isn't there a confusion of passive aggression and passive resistance?

Just don't get on that see-saw with the passive-aggressive person! Make a mental note, don't react with game-y comments, maybe make a genuine observation 'ouch - that hurt!' or my old standby 'hmm that's interesting!' (My children rumbled that one years ago!)

Passive-aggression is usually an invitation to get into some sort of power game. I still fall for it every now and then, but try not to

The other thing is that only 7% of communication is verbal, so I think the article just skims the surface, there's a lot more to it than that.

I was wondering that too, lily, especially about the soldiers' behaviour.

One example is the response frequently made ( and sometimes even seen on these forums) 'Im so sorry you didn't understand what I said. I'll try to make it clearer'.

In other words 'You are are dull and stupid you cannot even understand a simple explanation'.

I agree with VQ, lily and Mice There is a lot of it about and is one of the reasons I am happy to be retired. Too much of it at work and now when I come across it I can get away from that person and have nothing to do with them, unless I choose to. If you try to deal with it you usually come across some sort of self-righteous response or the patronising 'you don't understand' implying stupidity.

I agree with your comment, Lily. I think the example given of the soldiers is much more to do with passive resistance than aggression. A different kettle of fish altogether.

I think passive aggression has much to do with the what, the why and the how of unspoken communication, as much as the spoken word. A look, a shrug, a turning of the back can all be used to good effect (if one wishes to play the p.a. game) when, for some reason, a straightforward remark is unable to be made.

I think sarcasm is passive aggressive.

That's so right. If you try to respond to a passive aggressive you come across looking as if you're in the wrong so you can't win either way. Well that's how it affects me

I remember a lecturer saying to me something similar to the phrase that you highlight, mouse. I said I didn't understand something he was saying (it was a philosophy lecture). He responded, perfectly kindly and politely, I thought, with: "That's because I haven't made myself clear enough." I did not take that to be sarcastic or aggressive in any way; I thought he was simply speaking honestly. He then did make himself clear enough to be understood by me, and probably others. As he said, if one of us didn't understand something, it was quite likely someone else (or several others) didn't either.

All, or certainly most, of my teachers kept on telling us to say if we didn't understand what they were on about. They were not being patronising. It's OK not to understand and not to be understood. It's also OK to say you don't understand and to say that you think someone hasn't understood you.

Isn't it?

It always has been in my world.

I think the description of the actions – or should that be inactions – of World War II soldiers is less passive aggression and more what the army called dumb insolence.

There's a subtle difference in the two phrases, though, Bags. MiceElf's example sounds patronising - yours doesn't. The lecturer was taking responsibility for the problem.

I thought passive/aggressive was eg asking someone to do a task and if they don't do it immediately or in exactly the 'right' way, taking it over with or without an irritating heavy sigh.

Yes, I see, ana. But if a lecturer had spoken mouse's phrase to me, I still would have asked for a clearer explanation, repeatedly if necessary.

I was on a sailing course once where the instructor kept saying the same thing over and over in a scoffy sort of way and I kept being baffled. Eventually I just looked him straight in the eye and said "I don't know what you're talking about. I don't understand all the jargon. I'm a beginner!"

He changed tack (no pun intended) after that and was perfectly agreeable as well as being a good teacher of sailing.

That's what you do with husbands, isn't it?

Or Lily, saying....."If you don't do this then I will be obliged to do that.
More of a veiled threat.

Ella46 But sometimes if A doesn't do whatever it is that only A can do, then B has to take a particular course of action. It's not necessarily a threat; it may just be an acknowledgement of reality.

Oh yes*absent*, but it's the tone of voice which sometimes makes it seem like a threat, which seems to me like passive aggresive.

Passive aggression to me means some one bullying others to get their own way all the time, not by violence and shouting but by manipulating other people in non-aggressive ways. The most common way is emotional blackmail.

In my flat sharing days I had a flat mate who, whenever anyone wanted to do something she didn't want to do, have some friends round to the flat or cook something they liked and she wasn't keen on, would look down in the mouth and say she had a headache and didn't feel up to it. If you still insisted on having friends round she would mooch around in her dressing gown saying how ill she was, making everyone feel uncomfortable so that they went home early. If she didnt like supper, she would never let anyone cook her anything else but would sit there looking sad and nibbling cream crackers.

My paternal GM had a good line in it. She didn't like my DM and on the day my parents officially announced their engagement it was decided that they would have a celebration lunch with DM's parents and then go to tea with DF's parents, except when they got round to the house for tea, they were greeted by my GF, on his own, as GM had a bad headache and had gone to bed for the afternoon. The celebration tea was tea and a biscuit in the kitchen by themselves because GF was upstairs caring for his wife.

You often read cases of this kind of behaviour on threads on Gransnet, elderly mothers, who manipulate daughters by suggesting they neglect them, daughters limiting grandparents access to grandchildren. No violence, no shouting just quietly making other peoples lives miserable so that the bully can triumph.

FlicketyB - I think you've explained this really well. Passive aggressiveness is a way of making people feel they are being got at but, because the aggression is not overt, if the "target(s)" responds defensively it is suggested they are being "over-sensitive" or "argumentative". The best thing to do is not to fall into the trap but ignore it - easier said than done though.

Just before I read this thread, I was googling passive aggression, as Tanya Byron was answering a problem in Monday's Times 25 th Feb .Someone had written in about his wife verbally attacking him for apparently no reason, and Tanya explained that it could be his Passive Aggression that sparked it off. Some people can be just as hurtful with snide comments, looks and sarcasm as having a full on shout was the jist. If I knew how to 'do' a link I would. It was very interesting.