What is your most embarrassing moment?

Back in the early 1960s, I (then aged 16 and naive!!) worked for a large printing company. At lunch time the office staff would go to the canteen and try and complete the crossword in one of the national papers. A huddle of older people would sit scratching their heads trying to finish this puzzle and for many weeks it was my ambition to contribute to this activity!!! Then finally my chance came.....the clue as far as I can recall was 'to chew steadily and carefully' and it began with a 'm'.
Heads were scratched and various words bandied about and then....I thought that I had come up with the winner...I took a deep breath and shouted 'Masturbate'!!!!!! SILENCE....and as the word left my quivering lips I knew that it was wrong!!!!!!!! I was never allowed to forget this in all the years I worked there and the story was told many many times ......Rule one...always think before engaging mouth.
p.s. the correct word was masticate in case you had not worked it out!!!!!

My wedding day! I had a beautiful Nottingham lace dress with a flowing skirt. I got out of the wedding car to float up the five steps to our reception venue, arm in arm with my new husband. My special day!

I walked up the inside of my dress, getting my sandals caught in the underskirt, and landed on my knees in front of a confused maitre d, who welcomed my husband and ignored my attempts to stand up. My husband took a glass of champagne off the tray and was laughing so much he spilled the champagne into my bouquet, which dripped down my arm whist we greeted our guests.

I would need pages and pages to record all of mine. Many are related to collapsing in fits of giggles. Here's one from when I was around 11 years old: I was in the audience at a 'cultural concert' with my whole family, sitting in the second row from the front. Halfway through the programme, a woman soloist sang a mournful love song accompanied by much facial expression and clutching of breast. I got the giggles. I got the giggles so badly, that no stern stare from various adult family members, including my grandfather, could shut me up or grant me composure.

The pianist lifted her hands off the keys and turned towards me, the woman stopped singing and said in a loud voice "When that child can control herself, I may be able to start again". All eyes were on us as my poor mother dragged me out of my seat ... . I still think of it and cringe.

I spent most of my life, up to around age 25, feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable, but one thing I really remember is walking in to a public loo and being faced with lots of men standing facing a wall.

Another thing I did was to pinch DH's bottom while he was queueing to buy drinks at quite a posh dinner. He turned round and I discovered it was a local vet - luckily he took it good part as did his wife

I have posted this before but it still haunts me!

I had to visit a dreadful old public lavatory at the seaside. Some of the cubicles didn't have doors and those with doors didn't have locks. I found the one cubicle which had both and locked it. I could tell straight away that the lock wouldn't open, it just turned uselessly. I stood on the seat and looked over the the top of the cubicle, squeaking "Errmm, I can't get out...." After a workman had tried & failed to take the lock off, he climbed over the top and appeared beside me- very cosy!! He gave me a "bunk up" and I climbed out over the top myself. I'd been gone for ages but my husband hadn't missed me at all. He just said "Oh you ladies always take ages in the loo..."

I too have posted these before, but in case anyone missed them, here goes!

I went to the wrong funeral.

An old colleague from work had died, I asked a mutual friend when the funeral was. I arrived at the crematorium in plenty of time and sat in the car with Mr P, who wasn't going to attend as he didn't really know Ron. I saw people arrive, but didn't see anyone I knew. Then the hearse arrived so I went to join the crowd of mourners, still didn't recognise anyone, but I smiled at them, and they smiled back. Went inside and thought I would sit at the back. Very nice lady funeral director handed me an order of service and said "Do come and sit a bit further forward, as there is plenty of room."
So I did. The Vicar took his place behind the lectern. I put on my glasses, looked at the order of service and thought "Who the heck is Jean Morris?"

This is where it all started to go wrong. Instead of leaving through the door that lead into the garden bit, where you would normally file out after the service, I tried to go out of the door which I had come in by. Not only was it closed, but the other funeral directors were outside leaning against it. There was a bit of frantic handle turning and pushing, the Vicar stopped speaking, and heads turned, but by now I felt it was too late to go the other way. I will never forget the look on the faces of the 2 funeral directors outside. I suppose I could have explained.

I got into a strange man's car and squeezed his knee.

I don't mean that he was strange (although he could well have been for all I know) I mean that it was someone I didn't know. I came out of the village shop, jumped into this car, placed my hand on his leg and said "right, off we go then!" and turned to see a complete stranger with a look on his face that was somewhere between bemused and terrified.

In my defence the car was the same make and colour as ours.

Every so often we used to take the whole school to Mass. We'd just left the building and were sorting the children out in the street so that we could crocodile our way to church. The children were in year group order so as Year 3 teacher I was right in the middle in full view of everyone. I turned to talk to a mother who was running after us with her child because they were late, accidently stepped down into a drain in the road and fell, legs akimbo, skirt around my waist and knickers on show to the entire school. Fortunately I had my hospital knickers on that day ...unlike another time which became part of school folklore and was mentioned in very year six leavers assembly for so many years that children who hadn't been born thought they remembered it. Another whole school event. An assembly this time. I'd been sitting on the floor next to a child who was a little challenging to try to keep him focussed. I didn't realise that he was holding my skirt....he used to stroke the fabric like a toddler does with a comfort blanket. I stood up and my skirt didn't come all the way with me.

My most embarrassing moment was also toilet related. I didn't lock the sliding door to a train toilet and someone walked by and pressed open. Door slowly swung open to reveal me sitting with knickers round my ankles, passengers on nearby seats trying not to look. The mechanism for closing the door was on the other side of the toilet cubicle and I couldn't reach it sitting down so had to finish very public wee and pull up my knickers before shutting the door. I can't bring myself to ever go to the toilet on a train again.

Took my parents to ballet for treat. One of the short items was very modern with men in pink leotards standing in a row facing the audience with their legs apart and doing knee bends - truly nothing was left to the imagination. I started to giggle and it rippled round the entire audience like falling dominoes. Much blowing of noses!

We were on holiday on Anglesey a few years ago, and on our last night we went to a nearby pub for a nice meal. The seats were the bench type, and a tight squeeze to get in, and I was against the wall. Wnen we got up to leave, I squeezed my way out, only to realise, to my horror, that my elastic waisted skirt had come down as I squeezed my way out, and I was standing there, knickers on display, with my skirt around my thighs! I couldn`t get out of there quick enough, keeping my head down so as not to see other people`s faces and reactions.

My mother & father once drove all the way to Wales for a funeral, only to realise halfway through that they hadn't got a clue who anyone was. They had taken it for granted that there would only be one church in the village, but of course there were two!

Some years ago the Good Food show on UK Food was doing a live show from Covent Garden. I trotted along on the day and enquired about the show at the Royal Opera House. I was directed to an upstairs room where I found a group of people listening to the stars of the show. No one spoke to me as I found a seat, but I was getting some odd looks. Gradually I became aware that this was a select little pre-show gathering and the actual broadcast was going to be done from the market. I thought that getting up and leaving would make my gatecrashing even more obvious so I sat there till the bitter end before slinking out.

Not my embarrassment but an uncles. Every incident with him seemed to entail toilets. A notable event was many years ago in a remote part of France where the farmers were having some kind of protest and they had tipped lorry loads of swedes on the railway line. The train was delayed so long that he needed the toilet ... badly, tiny station and a toilet cubicle from Hades with a rusty lock. Door got jammed,and by the time he managed to break the lock he reached the platform it was to see the train just disappearing out of sight along with his wife,coat,and luggage. Remote area, no phone in the 60s and no French laguage, I can't remember how he got home but obviuosly he did.

Phoenix Your story about getting into the wrong car reminds me of my dad. Mum was the driver in our family but Dad liked to "look knowledgeable". One day she sat in the car while he went off to do an errand. She saw him come back down the street, stop at a car just like theirs, and start kicking the tyres and cleaning a mark off the window with his hankey (yuk!). He was half-way through this when he realised that a stranger was sitting in the driver's seat staring at him in amazement.

I was at a Diner Dance and it was one of the very first dates with my now Husband and I slipped on the dance floor for everyone to see!! it was quite horrific but I got over it and never forgave my husband for being too embarrased to come and help me!! but I am glad I married him anyway because that incident was not an indication of what he was to be like for the rest of our lives.

Was when we let our dog run on the beach for the first time after the summer ban, he ran straight to the nearest upright object and cocked his leg..... unfortunately it was a lady sat reading a book, I was mortified, and my husband walked away quickly , loudly saying 'whose dog is that , it should be on a lead' leaving me to try and catch the offending hound, by now prancing in the sea, while I had our youngest in a sling round my neck and two toddlers !

Mine was not so long ago as a guest at a Rotary dinner dance. Friend's husband is a bit of a wild dancer and was swinging me round the dance floor when I parted company with one of my shoes which were half a size too big, I toppled over,shot across the floor on my a* * * and landed in the drum set of the accompanying band much to the amazement/horror of the drummer. Managed to scrabble up and came face to face with my G.P. Somehow, visits to the surgery were never the same again. I don't like dancing anyway, so that was my last time on the dance floor.

Good one GallyMine was on trip to Moscow with OH's college.We were invited by our hosts to a evening at the opera.It was 'la Traviata' and as it got sadder and sadder my chronic food poisoning set in and I had to keep running out.The loos had no proper doors and no toilet paper.I was so desperate I ran into the restaurant ( fortunately almost empty) and grabbed the serviettes off the tables.I couldn't face the visit to the 'Park of Economic Achievements' the next day

Grannylin - I bet your were heartbroken missing that.