Did you have a 'sheltered' upbringing?

annsixty, yes its good to know that the complex feelings that are left behind are shared by others. It took me a long time to slowly rationalise them and give myself permission to emotionally walk away from them. My father is still alive but did not and does not love anyone other than himself. I keep in touch as there is still plenty of guilt on my part and over the years my brother, sister and I have given him so much but its always thrown back at us and he has to view everything from his mind set. In fact looking at his behaviour in a more detcached way I can almost identify serious personality traits that don't really excuse him but do explain it.
Yes, you need to, as the old cliche states, 'be kind to yourself' and look forward not back. All the best Annsixty, there are quite a few of us out there.

This thread has been very cathartic for me because I said in my previous post that I was left with feelings of resentment and sorrow but actually the main feeling was guilt.As anyone who has been in a controlling relationship knows they are always the one made to feel to blame. I have tried for years to rationalise these feelings and I am now in my mid seventies but knowing that others have been in this or similar situations has helped. I won't ever completely come to terms with it but I will try before it is too late.

I was an only child too. I suppose I was naturally spoilt a bit but certainly not indulged. My Mum was a bit of a social butterfly, always off and doing and my Dad a man of routine - left on the 7.20 for the City and returned on the 6.15 every day for 40 years. Although my early years were, I suppose, somewhat sheltered, I was, amazingly, allowed quite a lot of freedom once I was in my teens and had got passed the Brownies/ballet stage. I was allowed out with friends to parties and concerts the only stipulation was that I had a spare 6d for the phone so I could phone home if I was in 'a spot' or needed a lift home!. I was sent to boarding school at 11 as they thought I needed company which did put a divide between us, at least through the term time. Even though I loved my Dad and his love for me was total right up until the day he died, I never really 'knew' him; he didn't ever talk of his war experiences or his childhood - my Mum filled me in on all of that. So, no, although I had a somewhat lonely yet loving childhood, I didn't have a sheltered upbringing.

Nope.

State school educated, work at 15, married at 26. Mother, one of 13 children. Father, didn't know who his dad was.

Did I loose out not having a good education, yes. Did I loose out not having a family with wealth, probably. Was I 'sheltered', hardly, the opposite in fact.

I was however brought up in a loving, funny environment where family remain close and friendship is to be cherished. What more did/do I want.

Grannylin - I've just seen Tosh, too! It's great to see old faces again.
My upbringing was pretty sheltered - I was only allowed to wear one roller-skate at a time . I was an only child and a bit lonely, I suppose. I wasn't allowed to have boyfriends and I had no confidence anyway, so I felt it would have been very unlikely that I would attract anyone. I was terrified to ask my parents if I could go out on a 'date' when I finally was asked out. When I did find a real boyfriend, I was like a dog off a lead, and threw all caution to the wind, falling pregnant before I was 16. My mother took to her bed for about 4 months, such was the shame of my condition! I remember one time, before all this happened, and when a boy had been trying to talk to me through my window (as I wasn't allowed outside to speak to him), that my father came bursting into my bedroom and locked the shutters on my windows......

Ooh, hello Tosh! Nice to see you again

Hi everyone ..I must get back on the Gransnet Train !!! or Campervan !! I will never forget that virtual trip we planed ..it was such a laugh !!! xxxxx

Hi * tosh* Haven't seen you for ages

tosh Icould have written that. The differences are that my Father died when I was eleven and I was an only child but the control was just as you described and carried on until my Mother died having reached her century. I also don't look back with affection but only a slight resentment and sorrow that our relationship was spoiled by her control.

I suppose I was sheltered as I went to a Convent school from 4 years old . I always had good manners and was brought up to respect my elders.....I would never have given my parents any ''cheek'' and always did as I was told. (even followed the career my parents wanted me to do).
I have an older brother but had very little contact with boys during my education being at an all girls school and all female college.
When I was 13 my parents reluctantly allowed me to join a church youth club . (my friends at home were different to school friends as they went to local schools). My father would take me to youth club and pick me up afterwards...but as I understood that he did this because he cared about me I didn't mind.
I was allowed to go to youth club friends houses for ''parties'' over that first Christmas (just before I turned 14) as long as my parents knew where I was and that Dad picked me up or I was home at the time they said (probably 9pm).
Imagine their shock when I told them that I had ''started going out'' with a boy 3 yrs older than me (who I think they knew I liked). I carried on seeing this boy as long as I was home when my parents said ..and I was only allowed out on Friday and Saturday evenings. (Homework was too important during the week).
I think my mum thought this boyfriend crush would soon 'fizzle out' and never hid her disappointment that he went to technical college to become an engineer and not a lawyer or a doctor. (she had big things planned for her daughters life) !!!!
I went to teacher training college to be a Domestic Science Teacher (because my parents thought it would be a good career for me)...and they would not give permission for us to get engaged when I was 18...so I wore my ring at college but not on home visits. My father said we could get married once I had qualified..but unfortunately he died when I was 20 and still at college....Mum then thought I should put off any idea of getting married for a few years as she would ''need me at home'' when I finished College.
However I 'stood up to her' for the first time in my life and she very reluctantly agreed to us getting married 8 months after I 'qualified'.
This year we have been married for 44 yrs and I know, due to my husband's debilitating illness we don't have too much longer together. Although we've had a good marriage with 3 lovely daughters ..my mother still always needed to tell me 'what to do' and 'tell me off' and never held back her disappointment at me marrying Phil, saying awful things about him.
We actually moved from Lancashire to Scotland to get away from her still telling me what to do,what to wear, where to go and how to look after my babies. She always felt that she should 'come first' in my life but never showed me any love or affection and I felt stifled by her trying to control my life even from 200miles away .
She moved to be near us 10 yrs before she died and she had me just where she wanted me ..visiting her every day and doing everything for her. When you have learned to always be obedient and never retaliate....it is hard to break the habit even in your 50's. She spent her last 6 yrs in a wonderful Nursing Home (where she was very happy)...but in spite of having a full time job, a family and a home to run I still felt that I had to visit her every day. Unfortunately now I don't think back about her with any affection. I am always 'there' for our daughters but try not to interfere and let them live their own lives .I do think we were a generation of 'doing as we were told'.

Definatly not sheltered but certainly loved At 8 I was man of the house as dad had gone off with the International brigade to fight in Spain , after that he went off to France with BEF survived the horrors of Dunkirk and was then medically dischrged .Then became SGT in Dads army so family life was always inclined to be a bit regimental . Parents were very loving to me and did all they could to keep me clothed and fed to the best of their ablity and finances which were limited. I feel this had an effect of making me respect everyone and taught me how to teach my own kids .

I lived with my grandma from just before I was 13 until I got married, aged 20. She was quite strict about me going out at night, I remember thwarting her when I was about 17, someone at work was going on an evening coach trip with her youth club to Blackpool illuminations, and she asked me if I fancied going. My grandma said definitely not, but I went anyway, didn`t get home till 2.30am, the atmosphere was definitely frosty for a few days. When I was "going out" with my husband to be, the last bus from where he lived got me home for 11pm, which she didn`t really approve of, but one night we missed it and had to walk back, got home at 11.20, she was on the front doorstep with her arms folded over her very ample bosom, and said "Decent folk are in bed by 10 o`clock", poor boyfriend still had the walk back home to do.

I should add that my upbringing was sheltered in the sense of being protected. It was a loving home and parents had high expectations of us. Nor were we in any way deprived. I was rather shy, especially with boys, but that eventually changed!

Sheltered in many ways but I can now see some reasons why. However, I was told it was rude to say no and looking back I was lucky that didn't get me into trouble in my teens!

overprotective sorry!

I might have been an oveorotective parent if not for my second husband. Even so, because of him I'd let my boys have the freedom and been helling at their eager departing backs to take care etc!

flower That used to be a very common situation and not good for any of the parties.

I wouldn't say I was over protected, as others have said more restricted.
My parents were caring but very old fashioned in many ways. I don't quite know how they managed it really, but pop music, teenage fashion etc, passed me by completely. We were not particularly well off. Dad was a teacher when pay was particularly bad in that profession, but my mum seemed to think spending money was a sin, so no fashionable clothes, actually not many different clothes at all really. I think such stuff was all considered extravagant, rather shocking and naughty and somehow I was conditioned to accept this view.
I don't know how this brain washing was acheived! I was never very rebellious. I still resent this even now.

I think though I managed to avoid doing the same.
More Philip Larkin with me!

Like flickety my childhood was full of change due to constant travel with the RAF. It made me very independant and good at adjusting and making friends.

My parents allowed me quite a bit of freedom as a teenager. Some of my friends had strict parents and it made them rebellious.
We were quite laid back with our own children and they've turned out OK so we must have done something right.

Hilda, I too felt unloved by my mother who had mental health issues. My father was unable to show emotion, but I think he was strict because he did care deep down. The freedom of being a teenager in the 60s was lost to me as I had no social life. I married my first and only boyfriend, whom I met at work, which I always knew was a mistake. We were together for over 30 years until I had the courage to divorce him. We had two beautiful daughters and now 6 wonderful grandchildren, so I cannot have any regrets. My shyness means that I still don't have much of a social life, but I have never been more content.

I have slowly developed the view (rightly or wrongly - I do not know as yet) that if your parents do actually love you and let you know they do, then you can cope with any mistakes or choices they make. Non of us are experts when our children come along but coming from a home where I was not loved I just did as best as I could knowing that whatever mistakes I did make, I did(and still do) love my daughers very very much.

According to my mother in law I did have a sheltered upbringing.
My father and mother had reasonably good jobs and my mother in law said I had the forsight to befriend her daughter when I was 11. She was the headmistress of the school I went to and my father in law was the headmaster of another school so they had a good amount of wealth for the day.
I had to behave myself as I was around at the headmistresses house a lot but my parents were not over worried.
We generally had all the mod cons as of the date.
I never went out with any other girl and she became my wife. The 2 big setbacks I had was my sister passing away when she was 17 and my wife passed away in 2003.
I have however been left with 2 loverly daughters and 3 granddaughters and another grandchild on the way at the end of this month.

Frank

I had caring and loving & indulgent parents who were good at letting go gradually!
Born into a 'mixed' marriage at the beginning of the 50's I spent some time overseas and at boarding school so by 13 had, like FlicketyB several homes! Then parents settled for my & my brothers' secondary schooling. I did have to choose between guides or going out with friends on Friday eves but did go to youth club midweek. Had a brill time throughout 60s venturing up to Carnaby St/Kings Rd,Eel Pie island, Ronnie Scotts and 100club.. but met DHat 15, married at 20, babies at 25 and will celebrate 42 years marriage in the summer.

I was sheltered whilst at boarding school, it was a Quaker school and no popular music with words, only saw one film, Tale of Two Cities during the time I was there.Life was tightly managed but once parents back in UK I went to local comp. and life got more exciting!

Didnt have a chance to have a sheltered background. My father was in the army. By my 21st birthday I had 21 'permanent' addresses, attended 10 schools, lived in 6 countries and been travelling on my own or with my younger sister either in this country, overseas or intercontinental since I was 11.

My parents were strict, not very demonstrative, but devoted to each other and to us.

Movedalot, yes it was definately restricted. All jolly unpleasant, siblings and I got very used to not going home and asking if we could go on school trips that required over night stays etc. I have such a strong memory of going on a school trip to the ballet aged 13. We were told to wear something very smart OR school uniform. Out of 30 odd girls I was the only one wearing the uniform. Everyone else had a special 'party' dress. It was not that we were desperately poor - just the old so-and so kept a very tight reign on the funds. He would often have extravagent treats himself whilst Mum would have to ask for new shoes!

Hey ho, I hope I kept it all in the past whilst I was bringing up my girls, they have certainly turned out to be delightful young women with loving natures and a firm grasp of what's important.

I was hugely lucky - first to be born in the eraly 50s rather than the 40s - so was a teenager in the 60s - and also to have a brother 3 years older. He and his group of mates took me as their mascot everywhere, camping, staying in Alpine huts, etc- I had a ball from the age of 15. Very lucky indeed.