Would you be upset if...

Bless you B xx. Yes those tactics which you describe have certainly been used - often. I would just say though that having experienced this kind of not-so-subtle undermining behaviour for the best part of 30 years, it has definitely made me a stronger person because it is so instantly detectable. I only lose my cool occasionally - particularly when its something to do with my sons!
I did overhear him telling a friend only this last weekend that his life would have been the poorer if he hadn't met me!
So yes, I am fine - because I am confident and there are many facets to my life. You made me ask myself that question though and I'm grateful for that. Funny old world isn't it.

Specki - this post set my alarm bells ringing a little. Can I ask if he minimises other areas in which you are performing well or being shown recognition?

My ex would find a way to "take the shine off" anything which cast me in a positive light . It was the start of, and continuing basis, of serious emotional abuse for over 30 years.....and a recognised abusers tactic. I am not saying that this IS what's happening in your case. This may be a one-off, rooted (as others have said) in jealousy, but if it is also associated with other denigration of your esteem then I think you should look at the whole picture with a more questioning eye.

If you are unsure, a couple of examples from my own experience may offer an indicator: being invited to join a respected committee (well they know you are a soft touch - committees can never get anyone to join) winning a top award (total silence in the car on the way home; and in fact all he said when we got home was "the food was lousy, are you going to make some supper").

A friend asked me (two years after my marriage) if I could look back and tell her that I was the same confident, happy, self-assured person that I used to be. I loved my husband, and threw away the friendship, because I could not see what was happening to me.

I would ask you to ask yourself those same questions... and truly hope that the answer is genuinely a resounding "YES, I am fine" .

Sending a hug ....and flowers, because there isn't a smiley for "hugs"
B x

It makes a lot of sense. I think a lot of marriages evolve into this state. My next door neighbours are the same. They seem to manage to go along together although I know he is completely lost without her.

It certainly makes sense to me, particularly your last but one sentence.

Good luck with it all

I mean !!

A month or more down the line and its appropriate that I offer feedback to my cyberfriends!
After a 3 week stand off during which I quite successfully withdrew from all interaction, save that which was essential, an incident occurred which caused me to 'pop' and a head-on collision took place between us. Accusations, criticisms and complaints flew angrily through the air. In true adolescent mode he offered the ultimate solution (threat) which was to sell up, split the proceeds and move on. I instinctively knew that this was a bluff, and so I challenged him as to how we were to proceed in the interim, i.e. was I still to cook his meals, do his laundry? Were we still to go on a planned trip to Italy with friends? Oh yes, says he, we must carry on as normal. Hmm. So I went off for a drive and spent some money on myself and came back to say that my services would not be on offer, at which he condescended to forgive me.(!) A few days later I went away as planned and received many polite enquiries from him as to my welfare and when I got back, it was as if it had never happened. I was so stressed out and worried about my son's troubles that I just let my issues with DH float away.
Its not a satisfactory outcome - nothing has been solved so nothing has been improved. I think at this time I will just tread water and hope that when my other, more pressing, worries are resolved and life returns to normal, I will have the conversation that I need to have with him. I've privately decided though that as a couple of 30 years standing, our relationship has evolved into something similar to a pair of siblings - inextricably involved, sometimes snappy, sometimes friendly, often warm, often irritated and argumentative, but bound together for better or worse! Does that make sense? (confused)

specki no advice to offer but keep telling us how you feel if it helps. (((hugs)))

Speckie You look after yourself!

I think your analysis of his behaviour is accurate, it is childish tantrums.

I think totally ignoring the behaviour is the best way you can deal with this even if that means walking out of the room if he "starts". Avoid getting dragged into any argument or discussion with him if you feel he trying to wind you up.
Being totally matter of fact helps. Not that I can always avoid getting angry and saying hurtful things in a very similar situation. One does ones best. Sigh!
I am tempted to say people who behave like that "seem to be a needy persons" but I know how much guilt that puts on a partner for feeling so angry at the behaviour. Do not fall into the sympathy trap.

My DH refuses to discuss anything that has gone wrong so I don't either.

One has to decide if "trying again" is likely to improve anything after all this time and is it worth you investing any more emotional energy in trying, if deep down you know its not going to end with any changes. Do you have any emotional energy left to do this?

I know just what you mean about the feelings of apathy after 30odd yrs.

Grannyknots remark abut her neighbour always "speaking your truth" is very appropriate.

No easy solutions, but go on holiday and continue doing what you want to do.

You only have the one life...So true.

Hi specki sorry to read of your troubles.

I had forgotten till this reminded me, about my neighbour's husband many years ago, who would "put his back out" every time she was off somewhere e.g. to visit family.

She was such a straight forward and outspoken person, she would simply say matter-of-factly, without being accusatory or emotional (it didn't matter who was around, so that's how I know this) that she was "on to him" and she was going anyway. She was the person who taught me about "speaking your truth without expectation of the other person to change". It took me a while to grasp that, but it does put the ball squarely in their court and frees you up. She simply got on with her life. Eventually her husband changed his behaviour.

I don't know if I could live with it like you do, you only have one life. You do have my sympathy.

Hi, speckie, I have been worrying about you! I think this is a case of emotional bullying. Only you can decide whether you can continue to tolerate it. I hope you enjoy your time with family-I wonder whether it will be a case of 'out of sight , out of mind' or 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' on his part and yours. Take care, put yourself first, you deserve to!

What happened next: So, the wandering hero returned in blustering fashion..I was speaking to someone on the phone at that moment, so I looked casually at him and carried on with my conversation. When he had stopped blustering, I remarked coolly that he was evidently still alive. His immediate response was 'well, why didn't YOU call ME - after the way you shouted at me, no way was I going to call YOU! I've had enough!' (As I said - 69 going on 7.) I asked how he had celebrated our wedding anniversary - he retorted, 'well at least I sent you a card'. the card in question arrived 2 days after the event so it was clearly an attempt to salve his own conscience without making direct contact. That was it.
Since then he has used his entire portfolio of behavioural modes to try to subdue me into submission. I have been variously, coaxed, verbally attacked, ignored, accused and flattered. He has thrown the habitual sickie tactic by 'collapsing' on the golf course thereby engendering sympathy amongst others. Now he is working furiously at rebuilding a patio and using the full range of banging and slamming, groaning, limping and holding his back - all to no avail because I have seen it all before many times.
For me to open up a dialogue with him in an attempt to find a solution would only pander to his childish behaviour. He would scent victory (in his terms) and would proceed with bullying, accusatory tactics which would only achieve a result for him, not me. Im going to spend time with my family next week and will be away for a week. My feelings towards him waver between the those one experiences when children are naughty, and a deep sense of apathy. It all seems hopeless at the moment and i think back over 30 years of our relationship and wonder what to do. Discuss please!

specki, You are talented, sporty and sound quite driven so maybe your OH finds it hard to keep up. It's probably not just your children he's jealous of.
When DH had a stroke I had to get used to a much slower pace of life but I still manage to spend time on my hobbies and interests.

I hope you find a way forward.

Specki I take it oh is home now?

Hope things settle and you find way forward.

We find it little hard with our estranged daughter and oh retired. However he just wants make me happy booking hols theatre trips etc and obviously would reunite us with daughter if he could,

I am lucky hope some luck comes your way.

Siounds a bit like our house! I have to get past the idea that I think he is wasting his life and accept that he is a grown adult and free to live his as he wishes, even though it would not suit me.

Expect nothing and be surprised when something good comes your way - and in the meantime enjoy all your friends and activities.

Good luck.

thank you. I do enjoy many activities outside of the relationship - my many hobbies, sporting and otherwise and my friendships keep me from brooding about our fundamental differences. My DH is a man who is a past master at doing nothing - I would go stir crazy if I lived his life. I am out of the house much of the time and when in it, I'm usually involved in something creative. I don't wish to make myself some paragon of virtue but in respect of activities we are complete opposites. He actively seeks to kill time, using petty routines like checking the weather forecast and idly surfing the internet, which I feel is a shocking waste of a healthy life. My little Gransnet habit would really suit him but for him it would just be about idle curiosity rather than active interaction within a social group. Perhaps he would prefer me to be like him!

It is sad that he is not someone who can hold rational conversations about these things and you have all my sympathy - I do not know how you deal with this and can only send my good wishes.

My comments about being out and getting drunk referred to some of the suggestions that had been made, not to what I actually thought you might do.

The only suggesiotn that I might venture is that, if you have made the decision to stay rather than walk away from this difficult relationship, you might just make your own life within that scenario. Maybe you already do this; but one way forward might be just to accept what you have with all its flaws and develop lots of nice things for you to do for yourself outside of the relationshiip. That acceptance would involve resigning yourself to no anniversary pressies for instance or other things that you might wish for. I do not know how much of your activities or happiness is dependent on him; but maybe more of your life needs to be apart from him.

Sounds hard I know; but I have found that it works for me, although my OH's limitations are due to illnesses. I have to accept that there are things he cannot do that I would love him to do, so I just have to try and accept this (quite hard sometimes!!) and enjoy my other activities and life.

It might help for him to be clear that you are not dependent on him for your happiness - you may of course already approach things in this way.

So sorry that life is so hard for you at the moment. Wish I had a magic wand!

I think many of us have put up with men who are hard work. specki I am sending you my best wishes.

specki,you deserve better, good luck

specki, you do what you think is right for you! You know your own situation better than anyone else.

Mishap I urge you to read what I posted this morning - I WON'T be out when he returns, and neither will I be drunk! I will be here and I will be mellow and receptive to any positive overtures he deigns to make. But - I have lived with this behaviour periodically for 29 years. He is a person who is not able to have a frank exchange of views, if those views are ones he doesnt want to hear. His response pattern to any expression of dissent is to attack, then to storm out, then to come back and pretend nothing's happened and if all that fails, he goes to the doctors with some mystery symptom and comes home laden with prescriptions which he proceeds to display for me to see and for good measure, follows it up with serial bleating about his 'illness' to anyone who will listen. Sadly for him, most people we know have given up listening. For the first time in 30 years I have not been spoken to in 7 days by my husband, even just to check that I am alright in my isolation here in France. I will not be helping him to 'undig' the hole he is in.

PS Getting drunk won't help either!!!

If OH did this, I would tell him that it made me sad and I would like him to stop doing it. That is the simple truth.

If he is unable to discuss it or to take on board your hurt, then he clearly is someone with problems - ask him what the problem is for him; say you want to discuss this so it doesn't cause any problems in the future.

But a tit for tat strategy just closes doors and gets you nowhere.

There has to be an attempt at real communication about this.

If he is someone with whom you cannot have such communication, then clearly there is something fundamentally wrong.

I am so sorry if that is the case; but I do think you will get no progress by playing games with him (e.g. being out when he returns etc.).

Absent I think you misunderstood I meant IMO personal relationships are the hardest thing to get right in life not meaning mine was hell have I made that clearer? Mind you when we have row is hell. Would imagine most people would feel like that but the good times make up for it.

celebgran* Surely, if a relationship is "hell", the best thing you can do is get out of it if that is possible and practical.