Poorly dad

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments.

storynanna, you might have seen one or two posts from me on here regarding my 'odd' relationship with my mother. I think there are a fair few of us who have experienced this.

My mum is now in a dementia unit and, apart from a little wobble recently, I find that I can be much more objective in 'caring' for my her as I can see things unemotionally and see the best way forward. It also means I do the practical stuff but I'm a woman so I can cope! And, I don't feel guilty - she was the grown-up who created our relationship.

The Stroke Association have loads of leaflets etc which we found very helpful when our son had a stroke although, as he was only 35, he was referred to Headway and Different Strokes rather than the Stroke Association because of his age.

Part of the change in personality could be related to fear and that could be why your father calls you - take it as a compliment that he thinks you would be able to help. Maybe, when your Mum comes out of ICU it will become apparent that she too will need to live in sheltered accommodation or something similar.

Take care of yourself and your sibling in all this

Storynanny if we are to love our parents the love has to be on both sides. You would be fortunate indeed to be able to give your mother what she cannot give you and wasting time and nervous energy feeling guilty about the failure on your side it is a waste of your scarce resources.

There is no law that says we have to love our parents and many of us have had faulty or difficult relationships with our parents. I decided in my 30s to just relax and accept that my relationship with my mother would never be what, at heart, both of us wanted. When I did that it made my relationship easier. Sometimes when I am with my daughter I wish I could have had the relationship with my mother that we have. Regrets, I have a few, but never guilt.

Why feel guilty for something that isn't your fault and about which you can do nothing. Sorry if this sounds all sounds unfeeling, on the contrary, I understand your dilemma, but nothing is gained by struggling with the 'oughts' in life, it is much better to accept the 'is es'

He's not quite old enough believe it or not to have done national service, but thanks for the idea. Yes I could see if anyone from the stroke club could visit, I hadn't thought of that.
My dad has admitted to me this week that if he was on his own he would be happy to move into sheltered accommodation as he knows his recovery would be better if he had more social contacts. So sad that a partner would block any idea of that happening isn't it. Of course the situation is completely different now with mum in icu

I've already had an early morning call from my dad who seems to have forgotten I'm now 200 miles away. Fortunately it was not an emergency!
Sadly following his stroke, his personality is very altered and whereas up to April of this year he was absolutely adamant that no child of his would be expected to drop everything to care for elderly parents and that they would organise themselves the way they felt best when they were unable to manage at home now of course it's all very different.
I'm also coping with extreme guilt at my lack of real feeling about my ill mother. She has been a very difficult and dismissive person all my life, would never do anything to help anyone, never a kind word to say about añy one, very racially prejudiced, I could go on and on.....ending with Im not sure why she actually had children as she doesn't like children, I clouding her own grandchildren till they reached adulthood. I'm really struggling to show as much concern about her as I have about my dad.
I feel a terrible person.

Talk to the local Stroke Club, even if your mother refuses to attend. Perhaps someone would visit them. Could your father go alone?

I would endorse also speaking to Age Concern. Your father is also old enough to have done National Service. If he has any armed forces service, even for only 24 hours the British Legion can be very helpful. They have staff who can visit at home and suggest ways of getting and encouraging people to accept assistance.

Wise words from Mishap although from experience here in the North East the social services are very slow at everything they do and don't seem to understand "real" situations at all. It must be so difficult for you being so far away storynanny I am having similar issues with my dear grandma who is awaiting discharge from hospital. Social services wanted me to take on responsibility for her care until they "could get around to assessing her". following very good advice I refused this and so grandma is still in hospital, bless her she is fed up but at 97 how on earth is she supposed to cope at home alone? And because my mum (her only living child) is seriously ill herself there is no one (except me) who could assume responsibility for her. As Mishap said the hospital will undoubtedly inform social services prior to your mums discharge so the decision on care will probably be taken out of her hands. I totally sympathise and wish you well.

storynanny ((hugs))

All the advice above seems impossible to improve upon. Mishap has said all I could. I think it might have to be let them try and get on with it to start with.
You could do well to speak to their cleaner and ask them to "keep an eye on their welfare" and report if they are worried. It sounds underhand but might stop a difficult situation from getting into a crisis.

Thank you

The ward are obliged to do a proper discharge plan when your Mum leaves hospital and this is likely to involve a referral to the local social services department who will take the well-bing of all members of the hpousehold into account; and they are obliged to do a carer's assessment, which will initially be about your Dad but can include you, even though you are so far away.

If I were you I would pre-empt this by ringing the department yourself and making the situaiton known to them.

It may be that your Dad will take it better from a professional medical team at the hospital who recommend help to go in for the sake of your Mum's recovery. Get them all onside!! No way will he listen to you - you are just his little girl remember!!

Oh dear this is so hard isn't it? Dad and mum, mainly mum refused all offers of care etc except a weekly cleaner and gardener.
Sadly last week mum had to have emergency bowel surgery and is now in intensive care following colostomy, leaving recovering dad to cope at home alone. I do what I can but am 200 miles away which leaves my fed up sibling dealing with everything.
So far over the last week he has refused to discuss, respite care for himself, live in care for himself, increase in the cleaners hours and is determined that they will "manage" . I'm getting to the point where I'm thinking, yes, they will just have to cope and see for themselves how unmanageable it all is.
At the moment I can't imagine how it's all going to work when she is able to leave hospital.
Feel I should be doing more but it's so difficult when you live 4 hours drive away.

How I feel for you! I have been faced with similar situations.

It is fine to chat with the GP - they do not have to discuss anything confidential; b ut you can express your concerns and he/she can talk about possible solutions.

Some areas do have a dedicated stroke service, so you might be able to talk with someone there.

Try this link to the Stroke Association you can talk to people there and get advice: www.stroke.org.uk/

Thank you, I will look into that.

You could also try Age UK. I have found them very helpful.

What a nightmare for you. They both need help and I think the GP is the first port of call but other Gransnetters might have some info that will be more helpful.

Oh, thank you. Not sure what help they would be entitled to or even accept. They both have mobility scooters and enough money to finance taxis but the non stroke partner is calling all the shots! She's thrown away the stroke club leaflet I got as its on a day and time that doesn't suit!

Yes you can if you are concerned about a parent. A GP will realise it's in their patient's best interests if a son or daughter is anxious to help.

It's the non stroke person who is the stumbling block, she won't agree to anything that will alter her life as she wants it. She is stubborn self centred and rigid in her ways and attitudes. If you see what I mean. Can anyone talk to a gp about someone else? I didn't think you could because of confidentiality.

Talk to their GP, storynanny. They're going to need help and sooner rather than later. My mother also had a stroke and I was far too soft with her. She should have gone into sheltered housing long before she did but I didn't push for it which meant I bore the brunt of her care. Your sister must be finding it hard going so see if you can form a united front and get some help.

It's reassuring to know it could Improve. After 60 years of saying yes dear, he no longer let's mum have her own way all the time so that's proving really difficult to watch.
There is a distinct lack of compassion on her part and she deliberately won't listen to anything I say if she doesn't like it! I really don't want to visit anymore but can't just give up can I? I live too far away to just make daily visits so have to stay a couple of nights. Feel guilty because my only sibling lives locally and is at the end of her tether with visiting and working.
They would be better cared for in so e sort of sheltered accommodation I think but understandably want to remain in their home. Despite a weekly cleaner and a fortnightly gardener I can see deterioration in the cleanliness and general state of the house every time I visit.
Also feel guilty because my mother has never really been a "nice" person and has never ever put herself out to help anyone in need including her own children. I'm ashamed to say I struggle to "like" her.

His personality could improve, storynanny. It's early days. My DH had a stroke three years ago and his mood swings, anxiety attacks and temper tantrums made me fear for the future. He once tore a pair of trousers in two because I wanted him to wear them and he didn't!!

He's a different man now. He still gets very anxious about silly things and flies off the handle at the drop of a hat but I've got used to that. His sense of humour has returned and so has his caring side.

Be kind but firm with your mother. She'll be floundering as well.

storynanny how difficult for you and your parents. My dad was irascible and selfish as he got old and infirm, and my mum wasn't able to look after herself, so went into a lovely nursing home, by choice. It sounds like their GP might need to arrange for someone to visit and assess what they can manage between them, in case they need some daily support. There'll be other Gransnetters who know more about support for the elderly along to offer advice, I'm sure.

Just an update for a bit of advice really. Dads been home for a few weeks, doing well considering age etc, accepted now he won't ever drive again.
He seems to be left with permanently changed personality though, obviously due to the brain being damaged. It's so hard to help a cross, grumpy, agitated, shouty man whose personality is completely opposite to what it was.
I visit when I can ( I live 200 miles away and work) but hate it every time as its so stressful. Mum is constantly trying to get attention turned to her imaginary ailments and is cross that she can no longer be ferried around.
I'm feeling like I've been bereaved as he's not the dad he was any more.
What to do.

Thank you for your lovely messages. Considering his age 84, he's doing well, not paralysed, just lost left vision and very confused, still being very sick and in pain but clear speech. Main problem is he is main carer for mother who has some mobility issues( not serious, but very used to being waited on by dad all her life!)
Unfortunately she is being totally unrealistic about his condition and wants him to exercise his right to self discharge and come home! Not to be nursed by her, just to be back looking after her and start driving her around. Coping with her attitude is far more stressful for me than the hospital visiting.
Oh dear that makes me sound a dreadful daughter. He won't be home for a few weeks so it might give her time to get used to the changes a bit.
Going to set up a taxi account for them so that they can be independent when he comes homes as he won't be driving again.
Once again thanks for all your suggestions.

So sorry to hear that story - hope things are looking brighter today. The advice about the Stroke Association is what I was going to offer.

6 or so years ago our eldest son had a stroke, aged 35, and I have posted lots, and had lots of support and love, on GN. Our son was in Japan and on life support when we found out about his stroke and we spent hours in the air without knowing what we were going to find when we got there. Luckily he survived, although his marriage didn't, is back in England and living independently.

I wish you the very best outcome possible. Be strong.