Uncommunacative son

Stick with it, overthehill. You could be talking about my brother, who eventually left home in his forties. He was painfully shy and would talk for the minimum time he could get away with. It was always hard to engage him in conversation when we visited. He dated a couple of times, but didn't seem interested in setting up home for himself or settling down in a relationship. Then, five years ago, in his mid-fifties, he met someone on the internet, an absolute chatterbox who dragged him out of himself, made him come visiting and out for family meals, off on exotic holidays and for weekends away. It was a gradual process, but she gave us the most loving, caring brother who would sit round the dinner table and open his heart - he admitted he had got into a rut he didn't know how to get out of, and our entreaties to involve him with our families were appreciated, but he was shy and nervous about changing.

They had a lovey wedding in the Lakes last year. I 'gave him away' and we all had special roles to play during the wedding weekend. He looked so happy, and now we see him every month, he joins in all the celebrations, events and conversations, and I'm delighted for him that, on both sides, he has supportive families who adore him. He's step-father to two brilliant people who have accepted him and care about him. We have his wife to thank for all that.

If this is how he has always been I would just accept it, if it is new behaviour then perhaps sit down with him and ask if there is something wrong.

I am a fairly quiet person myself - I think it makes me a good listener.

overthehill perhaps you could just be yourself with him and try to accept that he is the way he is. If it's his nature to be reserved then in essence you are hoping to change his personality and that's probably not going to happen.
when your post brought a tear to my eye. It reminded me of my, quite similar, brother. Sadly, he met the love of his life, they got engaged and even moved in together - and then she had an affair. Ten years ago or so she left and my brother retreated into his own small world. He bitterly regrets not doing more to keep her as she really was The One. Now he goes to work and goes home, he visits my mother occasionally, but apart from at work he has no friendships and no contact with people.

whenim64

What a lovely story.

Our son isn't shy and talks away quite happily on the phone to friends and meets up with friends.

Sunseeker

Although you say you are a good listener he certainly isn't. It's mum and dad who get all the rough treatment.

I love him dearly of course but he is very self centred it is all about `him`.

Perhaps when he is 'encouraged' to move out, you can socialise with him in a different way and maybe he'll see you in a better light. A bit of tough love, and help to make his own home. My brother got a flat when he was 22, then when his job relocated he asked if he could come home for a fortnight - that turned into over 20 years! My parents played to his shyness because it suited them to have him around, but did him no favours.

One of my brothers chats very little. I remember our Mum saying she wished he'd talk more! When he does tqlk, it's quiet and mummbly. He's a confident man. When we used to tease him about it, he'd just say he'd rather listen. There's no doubt he takes everything in judging by the occasional asides he makes, which are often accompanied with twinkly eyes.

I often feel eyes can say more than words.

My son is like that. He doesn't talk a lot. (unless you get him started on politics and then there's no stopping him )

I don't mind. I quite like to be quiet myself, and I'm happy to listen when he does want to talk.

I'd say, just go with it. Don't worry. Nothing wrong with not talking all the time.

overthehill If he chats to his friends quite happily, then I'm afraid it sounds, to me at least, as though he is being rather rude to you and ungrateful.
If he was the same with everyone, then it's different.

Oh. I hadn't read the bit about mum and dad getting all the rough treatment. Puts a different light on it.

Does he pay you a proper amount for living at home? A sum that really does cover the cost of having him at home? A third of the council tax, fuel bills and rent/mortgage(if paid). If not why not?

I think a lot of grown-up children, whether working or on benefits begin to treat living at home with their parents without cost as a right and the parents providing this free home are seen just as adjuncts to easy living rather than as individuals in their own right who deserve to be treated with courtesy and gratitude.

He sounds just like my son, who finally moved out last year to live with his girlfriend. The only difference is that he would occasionally ambush me in the kitchen at midnight and talk about particle physics! Oddly enough I wasn't that interested at that time of night. "You never want to talk to me Mum!"

kick him out overthehill. If he's in his thirties he's well able to stand on his own two feet. He has a job. He will appreciate you all the more when he has to pay the/some bills, Sounds like he is acting like a spoilt brat and taking his 'home comforts' for granted. Sometimes you have to show them the real world.

Have to say, those three words "Kick him out" occurred to me too, *laidback". He sounds like a right pain in the arse.

I've got a 22 yr old that's just the same!
He only comes out of his room to eat most days. If we eat together he doesn't talk. He's just finished a two year course at college. I know it was IT based but have no idea of the details. If I ask a question I get as short a reply as possible. He is never rude, his sister uses bad language in front of me, but I've never heard him swear and he will spontaneously give his mum a hug
He's always been the same. His sister struggles to make conversation with him too. They are like chalk n cheese.
He's on job seekers at the moment but he does pay me a fair percentage of what he receives.
The situation makes me sad.

I hope he doesn't end up like these people: Hikikomori.

Oh dear, me toBags
I would say not yet

Thank you all for your comments.

As it happens, maybe for writing it down, I came up with an idea. Not ideal but it works to a degree.

I went for the old adage "if you can't beat them, join them". I decided instead of trying to engage him in conversation I would just leave it. I would not ignore him, but just speak if he spoke to me first.

Funnily just this morning he asked me what my plans were for the day, so after telling him I went on to speak to him about other things and he responded.

A break through. This way I feel better about things.

Glad to hear that, overthehill! Little steps lead to great things

That's good Overthehill.
I think sometimes we can try too hard with our DCs

Results - excellent- keep up the good work and let him engage first

havent read the thread. you want the solution? kick him out. my relationship with my mother improved no end once we lived apart - you get to miss them, it gets to be a pleasure visiting. yes its a tough climate now, but he's thirty for god's sake - i left home at seventeen, he'll survive

Jacks I can understand why your relationship with your mother improved after you lived apart.

Ella