Viewing the body

Glad u going with instincts. I remember my dad as a lively & loving man,as I last saw him. Thinking of u at this tough time.

So glad that you have decided what is right for you, Mishap and how lovely that you have such a good last conversation to remember.

My thoughts are with you. and every good wish for some

Of course you're upset. It doesn't matter one jot how old he was he was your dad and more than special to you. I was much more upset when my mum died than I had expected. There were times when she tried my love to the limits, but over the last few weeks as she was faced with death we became very close.
When dad died I had gone with her to see him as she couldn't get her head around his really being gone and she felt she wanted to see him. It helped her, but I felt nothing. He wasn't there.
I didn't go to see mum - but did send a shrug I had been knitting for her (she always felt the cold) and pictures of her beloved dog to be buried with her. She also kept her wedding ring and a cross my son had given her as she had been wearing them when she died. Silly really, daft and sentimental, but it felt right.

Hold on to the thought that you were lucky to have him for so long, Mishap. He said goodbye to you in a lovely way. Treasure that last conversation.

Your emotions will be all over the place at the moment but you've made the decision that you feel is right.

What a lovely phone conversation to hold on to and remember. Of course you will miss your old Dad but you have worked so hard to do the right thing for him over the last few months, with all the problems that you have had, and I am sure he appreciated it xx

This is such a personal decision. I've posted before about how my family do not use funeral homes but have the body at home in an open coffin until it is time for the funeral. I know no other way and to me it is both normal and natural to sit with the deceased person. We talk, laugh, cry, drink tea (as well as stronger beverages) and just get used to the fact that we are about to say goodbye to the loved person. Children are not discouraged, if they want to, they join in.

I'm remembering my own Dad with a lump in my throat as I write this.

Hugs for you Mishap

Thank you for all your helpful messages.

I have made the decision not to go and see him. I do not really know why, but some instinct tells me that I would rather remember him as he was; and remember his last words to me on the phone a few days ago: "Cheerio love, take care." I just want to hold on to that.

My brother is going to see him though. I have told him my decision and he is OK with that.

I know he was a very old man and it may seem crazy to be so upset; but he was my Dad and I will miss him.

Mishap, I was so sad to hear your news and send you love. Personally I would not choose to visit a loved one that has passed away, but as Gally says, you should do what you feel you want to do, not what you feel is the "right" thing to do as there is no "right". I choose to remember the person as they were, but I appreciate it does help some people, perhaps it is more the people who have lost a younger person, or if it is a sudden death that they are finding hard to accept xx

I never go to see bodies of loved ones! I have seen too many bodies and they mean nothing. The person is gone. It is an empty shell.
However I was with my husband when he died, I kissed him and walked straight out. He wasn't there.

Just go with your gut feeling Mishap. You will know what is right.
I went with DD2 to see my Dad. The funeral director had buttoned his shirt up to the neck and we had quite a laugh about that as he would have been horrified, and just chatted across the coffin about him and what he would be thinking. I placed some flowers from his garden in his hands.
When John died last year DD2 and 3 and I went to see him twice. The first time we were all very apprehensive and crept in, half expecting him to rise from his coffin - humour seemed to get us through and the second time, DD3 took photos which sounds very ghoulish; it was him, yet it wasn't; the John I knew and loved had gone. DD1 didn't want to see him and the photos were for her if in the future she regretted not going. In a strange way they have helped me and I do look at them from time to time, but I still remember him as he was in life, and not as a body. I put a red rose in his hands and later when we scattered his ashes, we threw a dozen roses in the sea after him. I go to the beach most days and it is comforting to remember where he is.

I went to see my mum as she had died quite suddenly whilst I was on holiday, as many have said it was just an empty shell. I try hard to keep the last living memory of her alive as she waved goodbye when we left to go on our holidays.

I also went to see my dad who again died unexpectedly I felt exactly the same. Twenty nine years later I still have mixed feelings whether I should have stayed away so I am not the best person to advise.

My very best wishes

After a long illness, my father died in his sleep in his armchair. The family gathered to wait for the funeral director, during which time I kissed him and said my goodbyes. We then sat around him and chatted. It felt like the most natural thing, yet might sound heartless to some. It did not seem necessary to later view the body.
I hope you will be comfortable with whatever decision you make mishap, it will be the right one for you.

My brother died abroad where it was traditional to have the coffin open until the start of the service. I intentionally avoided going into the church until the coffin had been closed, as I knew that if I had seen him there the image would have stuck in my mind and that was not how I wanted to remember him.

My sister and I sat with our Mum as she died. She was very ill and had been barely 'there' but to us she was still our Mum. However, at the moment she finally passed away all trace of what made her our Mum seemed to vanish.
We both agreed that we should gently cover her face and remember her before she had died.
Its my firm belief that once what makes us 'us' has gone, what is left is just a shell.

However, death is so very personal and how you feel about it will depend upon so many things. The relationship one had with the person is probably one of the most important factors.

Just be honest with yourself, do what feels right to you - do not do what you think others might want you to do. Its your choice, do what you feel suits you best at the moment.

All the very best, and be gentle with yourself.

I saw mum at hospital on the ward after zhe died but did not see dad. I think it is such a personal thing that it is hard to advise. For me it made little differe
nce in my respone to grief.

I saw my wife in the hospice and my father and mother in the hospital but not in the funeral parlour.
My father wanted my mother's engagement / wedding ring and my in laws wanted my wife's engagement / wedding ring so I let them have them.
I have followed suit with my father and I now have all the rings in a box as my in laws possessions went to my daughters.

Frank

I went to see my dad and realised he hadn't got his cap with him, so I went home and got it [he HAD to have his cap]. I remember thinking how beautiful he was and how I'd never realised that before. One of the biggest regrets in my life is not putting a packet of Woodbines in mum's coffin [although I did put some cards that the children had sent her before she died]. She was wearing a sort of pink silky dress and all I could say was 'mum why on earth have they put you in that? I wore her wedding ring for many years until my fingers got too big and that made me feel close to her. I'm glad I went to see both of them and that I was able to have them buried with mums family. There was a ritual about it all that I found very comforting. We had my ex's parents buried near to where we live and it has always seemed wrong that they weren't in Birmingham; it still bothers me now.

I have to agree, in true essence Jack wasn't there, it was just the shell, but I don't regret going.

Everyone is different, so just go with how you feel Mishap.
He was your dad and he will be in your heart whatever you decide

You may change your mind several times before you get there so it may be a last minute decision based on your feelings at the time. I was the only one who didn't view my brother and never regretted it.I wanted to remember him as he was in life.I was by both my parents side when they died and said bye then. I'm sure whatever you choose will be right for you.

I have seen quite a few dead people including my Mum, Dad and In-Laws. As Narg says they are just empty shells, their essence, spirit, soul (call it what you will) has gone. I found this quite strange but oddly comforting because they had been released from the old body and floated free. I don't think I would have been so content to watch the coffins go for cremation or burial if I had not seen for myself that the 'person' had already left the body.

When my Mum died I did go and see her in the funeral parlour. I had not seen her for several months before she died and just felt I had to go.
I was upset and found it very strange . She was not there. It was just an empty shell that I was looking at. Whatever it was that made her the person she was did not appear to be there.
When my husband died last year I went and sat with him in the funeral parlour but with the coffin closed. I spent a long time alone with him just talking .
Only you can decide what is best for you.
There is no right or wrong way .

I didn't see my mum. I was quite young at the time, but I'm glad I didn't. Got better memories this way.

Don't do it if you don't feel up to it Mishap. Don't put yourself through it.

To me it just seemed a very natural thing to do and I am sure that it helped with the grieving process but as everyone says it is a very personal choice and I think you have to go along with your emotions rather than try to be logical. Do what you FEEL is right.

I wanted to remember my father as he had been. As it was, I knew how he died and although quick, it was not pleasant. I was not there at the time, that is the memory that comes flooding back to me as I had seen others die in similar circumstances.
Re my mother, I remember her lying in her hospital bed and I did not want to see her in the funeral parlour. It is very much a personal choice.