Viewing the body

I didn't go and see my Dad at the funeral parlour, Mishap. I was with him when he died and didn't want to see him in any other way than when I'd last been with him.

I did with my Dad but frankly I wished I hadn't and I didn't go and see my Mum. I now always have that image of my Dad when I think of him but with my Mum I see her smiley face. Everyone is different in how they react if you really don't want to then don't.

I was with my Dad when he died in hospital - I can remember being very surprised at how within a minute or so he sort of changed. I chose not to go to the funeral home. I was not with my mother when she died but still did not go. My sister who was a nurse could not understand me not wanting to go and I think she went to see both.
It is whatever you feel is right for you.

I was with my DH when he died and I sat with him for several hours before the funeral directors collected him. I also went to see him in the funeral parlour, it didn't feel like it was him. I wish now my last memory of him was at home in my arms. His brother and sister couldn't bring themselves to go to see him.

However I know people who didn't go to see a loved one who had died and always regretted it. Do you have someone to go with you, who wasn't as close to your Dad and who can support you?

Oh Mishap that's tough one. I did see Jack (on Christmas Eve) and was glad I did. I slipped a note into the coffin. My exdh's then partner tried everything she could to "persuade" me not to, painting all sorts of pictures but I spoke to the funeral directors and they were able to reassure me.

It hasn't clouded the memories of him at all, I still can bring images to mind of him at various ages, doing various things.

Give some thought to it, but remember if you don't go, you won't get another chance, but ultimately the decision must be yours.

I was glad I went to visit my sister after she died because she had been so very poorly and had aged significantly in the last few weeks. When I saw her in the chapel of rest, she was a young woman again, completely at peace. It's very much your choice, mishap. It might be right for you, but only you can decide.

I agree, do whatever feels right Mishap I felt guilty that I didn't go and see my Mum but haven't regretted not going. It's such a personal decision. Maybe if your last memory when your Dad was alive wasn't good then seeing him 'at peace' might help. to you.

I wanted to remember my father as he had been. As it was, I knew how he died and although quick, it was not pleasant. I was not there at the time, that is the memory that comes flooding back to me as I had seen others die in similar circumstances.
Re my mother, I remember her lying in her hospital bed and I did not want to see her in the funeral parlour. It is very much a personal choice.

To me it just seemed a very natural thing to do and I am sure that it helped with the grieving process but as everyone says it is a very personal choice and I think you have to go along with your emotions rather than try to be logical. Do what you FEEL is right.

I didn't see my mum. I was quite young at the time, but I'm glad I didn't. Got better memories this way.

Don't do it if you don't feel up to it Mishap. Don't put yourself through it.

When my Mum died I did go and see her in the funeral parlour. I had not seen her for several months before she died and just felt I had to go.
I was upset and found it very strange . She was not there. It was just an empty shell that I was looking at. Whatever it was that made her the person she was did not appear to be there.
When my husband died last year I went and sat with him in the funeral parlour but with the coffin closed. I spent a long time alone with him just talking .
Only you can decide what is best for you.
There is no right or wrong way .

I have seen quite a few dead people including my Mum, Dad and In-Laws. As Narg says they are just empty shells, their essence, spirit, soul (call it what you will) has gone. I found this quite strange but oddly comforting because they had been released from the old body and floated free. I don't think I would have been so content to watch the coffins go for cremation or burial if I had not seen for myself that the 'person' had already left the body.

You may change your mind several times before you get there so it may be a last minute decision based on your feelings at the time. I was the only one who didn't view my brother and never regretted it.I wanted to remember him as he was in life.I was by both my parents side when they died and said bye then. I'm sure whatever you choose will be right for you.

Everyone is different, so just go with how you feel Mishap.
He was your dad and he will be in your heart whatever you decide

I have to agree, in true essence Jack wasn't there, it was just the shell, but I don't regret going.

I went to see my dad and realised he hadn't got his cap with him, so I went home and got it [he HAD to have his cap]. I remember thinking how beautiful he was and how I'd never realised that before. One of the biggest regrets in my life is not putting a packet of Woodbines in mum's coffin [although I did put some cards that the children had sent her before she died]. She was wearing a sort of pink silky dress and all I could say was 'mum why on earth have they put you in that? I wore her wedding ring for many years until my fingers got too big and that made me feel close to her. I'm glad I went to see both of them and that I was able to have them buried with mums family. There was a ritual about it all that I found very comforting. We had my ex's parents buried near to where we live and it has always seemed wrong that they weren't in Birmingham; it still bothers me now.

I saw my wife in the hospice and my father and mother in the hospital but not in the funeral parlour.
My father wanted my mother's engagement / wedding ring and my in laws wanted my wife's engagement / wedding ring so I let them have them.
I have followed suit with my father and I now have all the rings in a box as my in laws possessions went to my daughters.

Frank

I saw mum at hospital on the ward after zhe died but did not see dad. I think it is such a personal thing that it is hard to advise. For me it made little differe
nce in my respone to grief.

My sister and I sat with our Mum as she died. She was very ill and had been barely 'there' but to us she was still our Mum. However, at the moment she finally passed away all trace of what made her our Mum seemed to vanish.
We both agreed that we should gently cover her face and remember her before she had died.
Its my firm belief that once what makes us 'us' has gone, what is left is just a shell.

However, death is so very personal and how you feel about it will depend upon so many things. The relationship one had with the person is probably one of the most important factors.

Just be honest with yourself, do what feels right to you - do not do what you think others might want you to do. Its your choice, do what you feel suits you best at the moment.

All the very best, and be gentle with yourself.

My brother died abroad where it was traditional to have the coffin open until the start of the service. I intentionally avoided going into the church until the coffin had been closed, as I knew that if I had seen him there the image would have stuck in my mind and that was not how I wanted to remember him.

After a long illness, my father died in his sleep in his armchair. The family gathered to wait for the funeral director, during which time I kissed him and said my goodbyes. We then sat around him and chatted. It felt like the most natural thing, yet might sound heartless to some. It did not seem necessary to later view the body.
I hope you will be comfortable with whatever decision you make mishap, it will be the right one for you.

I went to see my mum as she had died quite suddenly whilst I was on holiday, as many have said it was just an empty shell. I try hard to keep the last living memory of her alive as she waved goodbye when we left to go on our holidays.

I also went to see my dad who again died unexpectedly I felt exactly the same. Twenty nine years later I still have mixed feelings whether I should have stayed away so I am not the best person to advise.

My very best wishes

Just go with your gut feeling Mishap. You will know what is right.
I went with DD2 to see my Dad. The funeral director had buttoned his shirt up to the neck and we had quite a laugh about that as he would have been horrified, and just chatted across the coffin about him and what he would be thinking. I placed some flowers from his garden in his hands.
When John died last year DD2 and 3 and I went to see him twice. The first time we were all very apprehensive and crept in, half expecting him to rise from his coffin - humour seemed to get us through and the second time, DD3 took photos which sounds very ghoulish; it was him, yet it wasn't; the John I knew and loved had gone. DD1 didn't want to see him and the photos were for her if in the future she regretted not going. In a strange way they have helped me and I do look at them from time to time, but I still remember him as he was in life, and not as a body. I put a red rose in his hands and later when we scattered his ashes, we threw a dozen roses in the sea after him. I go to the beach most days and it is comforting to remember where he is.

I never go to see bodies of loved ones! I have seen too many bodies and they mean nothing. The person is gone. It is an empty shell.
However I was with my husband when he died, I kissed him and walked straight out. He wasn't there.