spending the kids inheritance

Oh, sorry, rojon not even a typo!

Yes, Rijon is sad, and the money is only part of it - the "presenting problem". Hope we have said something helpful!

The problem here seems to me to be a mismatch between the title of the thread and the actual content of Rogon's original post. Gransnet tweets are still coming through "are you spending the kids' inheritance?" which misled me and probably others into posting positive stories rather than focusing on Rogon's distress at being neglected by her DCs. I have 'reflected' on my post and apologise for any upset caused to Rogon.

Another thumbs up for Eloethan's take on this op and discussion. It's great to know that so many gransnetter's have loving, supportive and happy relationships with their adult children. That's what everyone wants I'm sure, but as other threads have shown, not everyone is so fortunate. I agree that the word "smug" sounds a bit harsh, but hope it led some people to reflect on their comments.

I have to agree with Eloethan !

I'm not sure it implies that at all. It seems to me that the OP is just sad and disappointed that she does not see her children more often. Surely it's understandable that an element of resentment has crept in, given that she has helped out in the past?

Surely the OP said that she should have spent the windfall on herself and this implies that she expected them to be attentive by return.

Judthepud2 I didn't think your comments were smug but eminently sensible and my approach is similar to yours - sorry if you interpreted my (perhaps too outspoken) remark as being directed at you.

Eloethan I am very sorry if my post came across as smug. I was really responding to the title of the thread and didn't read Rojon's post properly. I see now that the main thrust is that she is feeling neglected by her DCs. Sorry. Parent children relationships can be so difficult, can't they? 3 of my DCs live in England (I live in N.Ireland) so we only see them about 3 or 4 times a year. DD3 lives 5 miles away and we see her children a lot as we are involved in their care. We have had plenty of family troubles to deal with so don't FEEL smug!
I'm new to this posting business so please don't be too hard on me

Surely our adult relationship with our children is formed in their childhood? Yes, of course I realise that every family can have an 'awkward ' child, whatever the problem may be, but overall the child is father to the man/woman.

I had kind loving caring parents, as did DH and visiting them regularly, whether when we were first married and they were in their early 50s or later when they needed our help was always because our relationship was based on love and affection and we wanted to visit them or have them visit us. They were simply just part of our family. The idea of any obligation was never voiced because it never occurred to any of us.

We have the same relationship with our children. Our DS and family live 200 miles away and we see them every six weeks or so and are in contact almost daily. the same with our daughter, who lives 100 miles away and has just organised a very enjoyable outing for us as a birthday present and who will becoming on holiday with us next week when we go to France. Our DDil has exactly the same relationship with her family.

DH is from a very large family and they liked to gather together. My children were the only GC my parents had, so in a way I understand their point of view but it didn't make it any easier. As a very young mother I just wanted to be at home with DH and babies.

It sounds as though you had two sets of rather manipulative parents Harri

I used to get frazzled trying to keep two sets of parents happy on a weekend, children should not have this pressure. If I went to my parents, his were unhappy, if I went to his then I cared more for his family than my own.

It's a two-way thing though j08.
There are parents who apparently want little to do with their grown-up children - why should those children be particularly considerate towards those parents?

Not "owed". Never that.

But we should expect some loving consideration.

I do not 'expect' anything from my DDs and they do not 'expect' anything from me. Starting with that baseline we are all happy to offer time, support and help to one another and feel we have been lucky!

I do not think parents should feel they are owed visits from kids!

I agree with you JO8. We do deserve some consideration. Not forthcoming round these parts though I'm afraid. I've spend many years waiting for that light bulb moment when they think 'perhaps we don't treat mum and dad very well' but I realise now that's never going to happen. So
DH and I are paddling our own canoe. Bitter and twisted, me?

It seems that we might be treating 2 subjects as if they are one. We have given money to ours as and when it seemed like a good idea but never to help them pay their normal bills as we feel that would make them financially dependent on us and therefore not in their interests. Help with moving costs, legal fees and deposits, help with the costs of a first baby etc.

Second subject - 2 keep in touch and visit and we visit them and Skype a lot with the one outside the UK. They both tell us to enjoy ourselves and don't want to profit from our deaths. The other is married to a very difficult person and we hardly every hear from them at all. They have never told us to enjoy our savings but seem to be the most aware of our financial worth! They will be very surprised at our wills when we fall of our perches!

They were as far as possible brought up the same so we don't feel that anything we have done has made a difference to their attitudes just in case there is any smugness going on.

Ariadne Well said.

Eloethan Why do you assume that some people are being smug ? Maybe they are just saying that they are very lucky to have thoughtful children. Should we never let others know our good fortune in case it upsets someone else. No doubt most people have problems and concerns in their life but don't always post about them on here. If people choose to make their problems public they surely must expect a mixture of comments.

I think rojon could probably do without hearing about other people's fabulous relationships with their children. Some of the contributions come across as rather smug.

There are lots of different sorts of parent/child relationships. Some parents have been so generous with their time, help and money that they are taken for granted by their children and those around them. I know a woman who looked after her elderly mum until her death, who cared for her unkind and unfaithful husband after he became wheelchair bound and up until his death several years later, and who has always helped her children in every way she can. She's now in her seventies and is still providing childcare for grandchildren. And yet her sons and daughters don't seem to reciprocate in any way - quite happily going abroad on holiday and never inviting her. Her children probably don't see themselves as uncaring, but they probably don't even realise that their mother is getting older and that she might need their support for a change (not that she ever complains). When somebody has always been so cheerfully capable and available, there is a risk that their contribution becomes so much "part of the scenery" that it's not even noticed.

Conversely, children who have had less supportive and caring parents may continue in adulthood to try and "win over" their parents by being overly attentive and sensitive to their feelings - sometimes to the detriment of other relationships.

rojon It must be upsetting to feel that your children are fairly near and yet they're unable to spare more time to come and visit you. I would feel the same. They are, no doubt, very busy with work and families, and, in these difficult times, it's easy to become preoccupied with one's own problems and assume that other people are managing OK. I don't know what the answer is except perhaps to let them know how much you enjoy their visits when you do see them.

Yes we spent a lot of their inheritance, we renovated our home so that we could live comfortably and not have costly repairs in our dotage. DS asked me if I had spent his inheritance and I told him " yes, and some " he just laughed.

I think they all just are extremely busy. One of the GC came to see us and said they suddenly realised they hadn't seen us for two weeks! actually it was seven weeks. I just smiled sweetly and said 'lovely to see you at any time.' My mum would have said 'well actually it's seven . Wondered what had happened to you.' in a frosty voice.

Galen - get on that cruise and make your excuses! grin

My mum was like your grandmother When.She never had much but was always pleased to see children,grand children,nephews and nieces and could rustle up a meal from nothing. My friend practically has to make an appointment to see her parents because they have to be prepared!