Anyone else on their own for Christmas?

How are things now for you PS? You have really been through it too.

withany so pleased to hear that your son is given the all clear, it must be a tremendous weight off your shoulders. I'm even more pleased that your heart and your head are now agreeing - well done, I wish I was in that position a year ago.
If it is any help think very carefully about letting your husband have access to and control over the house, contents and personal effects. Like a fool I let my ex drive off, to the love nest she and her new boyfriend had set up without my knowledge, in my car with three boxes of clothes. I then carefully packed some 25 to 30 boxes of clothes and effects for her which she collected the following week including expensive jewellery which I had bought and whatever she emailed to say she would like. A third and final visit, other than to arrive at the house when I was not there to steal joint effects, was made the following (with her boyfriend) and I just let her have whatever she wanted. Please don't do the same. I was in shock and I suppose denial - I never dream't she would ever even consider such a thing as we were, or so I thought, solid as a rock - she deserved an Oscar for her acting. If I was able to turn the clock back I would have let her take nothing at all and certainly never have allowed her to use my car to do it. Please take time to think about what is best for you as if your husband is anything like my ex he will not have any consideration for you, your feelings or your wellbeing. Think carefully and do what is best for you. Best wishes and take good care of yourself. If only I could practice what I preach!

caz I could not agree more. It would appear it was standing empty, waiting for a new tenant. The rent is also next to nothing, jammy is the word which springs to mind.

Good to see you are feeling stronger, Withany. You sound grounded and determined not to be beaten down and very focused. Long may that continue. Keep posting - you will get plenty of support from the lovely people on Gransnet.

I find this post "so bizarre" I wish I could have been given my sheltered housing flat so quickly and at such a cheap rent to include council tax and water rates!!

Well said Withany you are being very strong. Shocking behaviour on his part saying updates on your DS's health was tedious! I would repeat my suggestion that you no longer contact him at all. It is only giving him an opportunity to get back at you! All contact can be done through your solicitor. My daughter did this and it left her ex nowhere to go. She has been much happier.

Incidentally, well done on fixing your telly!

(((More hugs)))

Hi, in response to Charley girl, and Jess M I'm afraid that is what my solicitor says. But Charley Girl you must have joined this chat late, because he won't come here to live he has secured himself a sheltered housing flat, by saying he was too frightened to come home, he felt vulnerable and of course at 66 he is entitled to help, and a snip at £76 per week including council tax, and water rates.
newist. You are so right about the love bit, my head and my heart have been fighting since this started, but the final straw I think for me was his attitude to our youngest sons health scare, how waiting to be clear of cancer can be thought of as tedious... yes I miss his physical presence, no I don't miss being ignored and I certainly don't miss being F'd and blinded at when he was interrupted. 45 years is a very long time, and as far as I was concerned we still had a loving marriage but we didn't. Yesterday my head and my heart decided the same thing I am better off without him. As I said he has picked up on my change and is now trying to blame this situation on me. It is not happening, I am taking no responsibility for his actions at all. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

withany all I can say to you is what I would do, you of course will decide your own future. The main thing to ask yourself is "Do I still love him" if any part of you loves him still, it will be very difficult for you in times ahead because he will emotionally blackmail you, If you do not love him, and why would you, do every thing you can to get this man out of your life. It will be hard at times, but how would you go back. on what he has done to you?
Stop him having any access to any money and anything in the house. Possession is nine tenth of the law, or so they say, sit tight and let him run up bills with solicitors, after all you have suffered cruelty at the hand of this man. You are a very brave and strong woman. Hang on in there

I'd check your rights re letting him back in withany because some things do change. And if he does move back in you will be in a less powerful position.

Good for you withany, you will have blips but we can soon stir you up again!

I do not understand why you have to allow him into the house, he was the b**** who decided he would leave to visit the "love of his life", whether he owns 50% or not

If he does return, do zilch for him, make him do everything for himself, including buying his own milk for a cup of tea. That includes washing powder etc because money does not grow on trees and you do not run a hotel for his convenience.

Do not forget that you will need rent to help towards heating, lighting etc.

Well done withany, if you feel yourself weakening, just log onto GN and we will support you until you feel stronger .

Well, he has re emailed now saying he didn't mean family health matters were tedious, it was me telling him that was tedious! same thing to me.
I was sniping, scoring points and pressing his buttons, perhaps I should reflect on how this had bought us to where we are.
Final words from me now were.
Sorry that's how it read to me (that's the tedious bit) and I have nothing to reflect on. That's it from me, he has obviously picked up on my change in attitude and is trying to shift his actions onto me yet again. Not happening GNs I have seen the light.
In response to JessM, I did 5 years in a solicitors working on the green form legal aid applications, matrimonial disputes and wills, I know it was 30 years ago but the law is very slow to change. My solicitor will see all our email correspondence if she needs to. I cannot bar him from the house or change the locks because he does still own half of it. There is no police record of domestic disturbance or the like, legal aid will not pay for a warrant or anything like that without this, I am just taking photo's of everything he owns using todays time date. I am not frightened of him, I am not backing down. He just has to face up to what he has done and pay the price of his duplicity.
Rant over, and I am feeling good kicking him into touch... I expect I shall hit a brick wall and slide down it a few times yet but today I'm in control.
Thanks everyone for your support.

Oh and that damn Yamaha organ - that's half yours as well!!!

I agree with every word, Jess. My experience exactly.

I agree totally with JessM and Elegran
DO IT Withany

Your updates on HIS son's health are tedious? I do hope you have preserved that reply to show to your lawyer.

withany stop emailing, ignore him and change the locks on your house and your garage. In fact get a locksmith to do you a good mortice locks front and back. When he comes back whining (and he will - he can't stay in the US. The woman over there does not sound like the type that wants to harbour an illegal immigrant!) don't let him in. If he wants his "stuff" tell him he has to wait for a divorce agreement (half that bloody bike is yours!)
From now on let his solicitor communicate with your solicitor.
You do not have the legal training to know how to reach an agreement that is fair to you. (I assume)
I remember reading years ago - someone likened ending a relationship to cutting through a big fat rope with lots of strands. You need to start snipping through the strands at your end - it takes a while and it's a challenge.
He will still have strands too (you've been cooking his dinners and cleaning up after him all these years. General man-mummying duties? Am I right?).
Some of the final strands can remain - some couples maintain a friendship. Or they can take years to finally fray. I can honestly say that my ex doesn't cross my mind from one week's end to another these days. About once every 2 months I ask DS how his dad is, just to be polite and make sure nothing going on that is likely to affect my grown up DSs.

Sorry keep popping up, but I fixed the Tele, it didn't have a sealed plug on it so I changed the fuse plugged it in and it went like a dream.
Also DH has responded about our DS by saying my up dates on family health is getting tedious. Would I like to act like a human being and make him a new financial offer that he would find interesting enough to sign and beneficial to him as well!!!
I told him it was not down to me to make him any offer that was attractive. He wanted judge to decide that may be quicker than him prevaricating if he wanted to make me an offer then he could. Roll on 2014. That felt so good I want a smiley for fireworks to put here.
So Telly fixed and hopefully DH senses a change in me. Whoopee I have taken that first step.

As charleygirl said!
to you withany

Do not let the b*****d get you down.

You can do it withany, keep strong!

Withany xx

Great news, my 38 year old DS although still has to have liver scan has been told they are almost sure he doesn't have prostate cancer we are concentrating on the doesn't have not the almost.
Once again thank you all your comments have lifted me once again. I did email my DH but told him I didn't think our sons health was trivial, DH only responded once I had named the new lady DD and SIL and where they live. Seems like I hit a nerve, I'm good at that apparently. Anyway DH is none the wiser because I told him I didn't have the result at 5.30 when I sent email, ( I got them at 5-40 but I haven't emailed again) and that I was getting really worried DS appointment had been at 2p.m. but I wouldn't disturb his idyll again.
Thank you for your comments PS it is nice to have a mans view on all of this. Today my head says I am better off without him and my heart agrees. Am seeing solicitor early new year, application will be drafted and earliest court date asked for, papers can then be served the moment DH is back. roll on 2014, just need him back so I can see how much aggravation he is going to give me and how little help. I have got a lot of plan 'B's for clearing things from the home.
I had written this once before, pressed the wrong button and it vanished. Anyway I am so thrilled about my son and what it means to his little family couldn't be better.
My only gripe is the telly has decided to give up the ghost. T.V. repair men are like Hens teeth here, I have left a message on the only one could find, we do have a spare and I have managed to get a neighbour to come and swap them over for me tomorrow morning, so at least I will be able to view some of the delights over the Christmas period.
Anyway thank you everyone, I will get through this and with your help GNs I will stay a dam sight stronger than I would on my own. Cheers

withany Please do not let this man make you feel in any way responsible for his actions. As a man myself I can tell you they are the actions of a manipulative, cheating, spineless, liar. Mid life crises, recapturing lost youth, mental episodes are all excuses for a weak spineless character. Sunseeker has summed it up perfectly. You deserve better and I sincerely hope you come out of this stronger and with your integrity intact. Sorry to sound so blunt but as others have said THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT no matter what he might try to say. Our thoughts are with you.