Anyone else on their own for Christmas?

I agree with Sunseeker about keeping contact to a minimum! Your silence is more likely to bother him than pleading emails! I have seen this kind of behaviour before where the more guilty the man feels the more he blames the innocent party. It can be easy to doubt yourself when this is dumped on you. Look, you have done nothing wrong!!! Believe it.

You must be very worried about your son's condition. I am so concerned for you at this difficult time. Hope things are not as bad as you and he are fearing.

Big hugs.

withany your post has shocked me to the core. Bless you, you're in a tough place at the moment. May I, along with other Granspals, add my good wishes for a satisfactory outcome to your problems. Please keep posting. You will find that sharing on this forum is a great comfort.

What a plonker! Of course he knew that you would not like it - because he knew that it wasn't right. If it had been all open and above board you could have known about it and shared some messages, sent messages yourself to this silly woman, and been a part of the whole experience. The very fact that he did it all in secret betrays that he felt guilt about it, and with reason. Mid-life crisis is no excuse.

Your jealousy? Well, you would have been right, wouldn't you. He has proved that, in spades. It is the standard secret philanderer's defence, though. Pay no attention to it.

She seems to have financed his leaving (apart from the savings he took with him - I assume you have opened a new account and moved the remains of your money into it? Make sure you keep the statements that show him taking out what he did, though.) She doesn't seem to be very keen to take on full responsibility for him though. Maybe he appeared romantic and creative online, but the reality is not what she was expecting.

Stand by for her to desert him, and for him to think he can come back as though it had all never happened. Have a good think now, before the crunch comes, so that you have a decision and have your plans made. If you are taking him back, set the ground rules at once, before he settles back in. If not, take practical steps to uphold your decision, and don't be soft-soaped into accepting second-best.

Legal advice is necessary as soon as possible, so that you know the implications, legal and financial, of whatever course you will take.

Good luck.

withany NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT! It DOESN'T sound to me like he is having some sort of mental breakdown - he is just being a selfish b*****d. You have enough to worry about with your DS without worrying about him!

Don't start making excuses for him - he is an adult and must know what he is doing is wrong. He had the choice of staying at home and helping you support your son, or going off to see someone who he thinks may be more exciting, and he chose his own selfish wants over his responsibilities. You on the other hand have been reasonable throughout. By all means let him know the result of your DS tests but apart from that I would keep all contact to a minimum, and make sure the locks have been changed by the time he gets back.

I am usually quite a placid person, but this is making me very angry! Do take care of yourself.

Thank you, I did get a response DH said he had not heard from DS since the 4th and assumed he wanted nothing more to do with him.
And No I cannot contact him by phone, he will respond to email, IF THERE WAS NOTHING HE THOUGHT OFFENSIVE.
I am still convinced he is having some sort of mental episode, he has only ever done something so out of character when he bought a motorbike when he was in his 50s trying to recapture his youth, we even had to drag it here it has sat in the garage for the last 9 years not used.
That is the only explanation other than brain washing, which in a way it could be, after all he has spent the last 9 months, for up to 18 hours a day, with headphones on playing his keyboard and singing then posting his recordings on the web site and this woman and several others telling him how wonderful there songs are and how she feels he is singing them just for her and this was all day every day, I was the bad guy interrupting him. He said he had set up a SECRET Skype account with her, because he knew I wouldn't like him talking, and emailing her. It is all my fault it's my jealousy that has made him do this.
Anyway I am not going to answer DH until I have DS result, and one part of me wants to not answer at all, but the other part, feels that something so potentially dreadful, he needs to know the outcome. Whether he would do the same for me, I doubt it but I can't change the way I am made.
But it would seem his new lady is still not prepared to take him to her home and be alone with him, she met and paid for his hotel stay of 7 days and he seems to be staying where her daughter lives presumably she is still with him there. The lady lives just below Salem in Virginia population 4500 it looks a bit remote via Google earth, perhaps he is still on trial, and he is being passed around the family for their opinion before she takes him home. Time will tell.
Roll on 2014

Sorry. .meant DH not DS

Thoughts are with you for tomorrow withany. Hope it's not the news your son expects and that you will find some comfort with these .
You've tried to contact your DS that's all you can do. I agree with JessM.Cancel his card. You'll hear from him soon enough if you do.
Hugs

I'd be sorely tempted to ring the bank and ask them to stop his card...
Has he kept his inner useless bastard well hidden all these years? Does this behaviour seem wildly out of character? Or do you feel he is just showing his true colours and you've known all along that he is a waste of space?
If it is not a breach of confidentiality - what kind of cancer are they thinking it might be?

What time would it have been over there? Is it possible he hasn't got it yet?

HELP PLEASE.
Thank you everyone, I am sorry to dump my worries on you, but my DS has a further cancer test tomorrow afternoon, if it's not good they will do a liver scan and biopsie. He is very worried it could be bad news tomorrow, he has heard nothing from his dad my DH. Since 4th December
DH has gone into what I term radio silence, and it is only that a bank transaction turned up on the bank statement today, that I know he is still alive, it would seem he may be staying at girlfriends daughters home, in Harrisonburg this is supposition on my part, but last 2 bank transactions have been from there and she has a daughter and SiL that live there. Anyway I have just sent DH an email asking if I can ring him there tomorrow if it is bad news, so far he has had 9 hours to respond still nothing. I am torn do I leave him in the dark (as he seems to want no contact) or do I ring anyway?
I think he should be offering what comfort and support he can to our son, regardless of what he and I are doing. Advice please

GNs are great at giving you support - I received great support when my DH died 2 years ago. Any time you need to have a moan, pass on news or just to chat - there is always someone on here ready to listen.

I think your husband is trying to have his cake and eat it! He wants to have his fling but wants to keep you waiting in the wings as well. He really does seem like a selfish b*****d for going off when your son is going through health problems of his own.

(((hugs))) withany

We are all with you!

Hang on in there withany - you can do it and there are lots of people here to back you up or give you a lift when you need one

withany you don't need to apologise. Lots of us need a moan from time to time.

Hi everyone I feel a bit like moaning minny, and I am sorry to keep banging on but you have helped more than I can say.
Had a flicker of good news, Buckinghamshire council have been in touch, my application for shared ownership is being considered and they will advise me asap.
I also found a little 2 bedroom bungalow within 30 miles of my son, which looks lovely and if mine was on the market I would have put in an offer. I am still waiting to hear from DH if he has access to a scanner to sign and return estate agent contract if required. He is purposely holding everything up, in the hopes that I will give in and agree a 50/50 split. He will wait till hell freezes over, that is something I am not going to do, why should I pay for the privilege of having my life shattered.
I am feeling stronger tonight bit wobbly earlier, I keep telling myself I can do this.
Thank you for your virtual hugs and kind words.

Just read your post Withany. How distressing for you! That husband of yours is a selfish, mean, inconsiderate b*****d! Your are perfectly entitled to have a good cry from time to time. Stay determined about getting shot of him and hope you will soon feel a bit better. Having a bad chest infection is very weakening. Suggest you concentrate on getting yourself better - plenty of rest and warmth. Once you are physically stronger, it should be easier to make some decisions about your future.

(Is there anyone on here lives within striking distance of Withany?)

Hugs to you. Even though they are virtual, they are sincerely meant. Keep posting. There are so many people on here with kind hearts and good advice.

Go where your friends are withany. No point in going to live near your DS if you don't know anyone there other than them - what would happen to you if they moved? Perhaps your friends/cousins in Bucks could do some initial house hunting for you?

Thank you Rowantree and Gagagran, I'm sure I will get through this, I not sure how but I will, he may bend me but he wont break me. Have been looking at housing in both my chosen area's and there are some nice little properties out there, if only DH had sorted his mess before he went this house could be on the market, but because we own it jointly I need his signed permission to do that. Before he threw his toys out of the pram, when he realised I was not going to give him 50% he was saying get it valued put it on the market, will send you signed paperwork etc. Now of course the floosie has taken him to her home he has gone quiet, and I am reluctant to contact him, because I am only just settling down after the last tirade, about instructing solicitors to fight it out that should use up quite a bit of the house value and so on. But I am convincing myself that the right place will be out there for me when the time comes to move on, just keep keeping on.
Thank you for your kind wishes, it has helped today haven't seen a sole, after tomorrow apart from getting in some supplies I don't expect to see anyone until 6th January. My DS says he is going to come, but he has more tests for cancer to get through on Wednesday and he isn't as fit as he likes to think, but if he makes it it will be wonderful to actually give my DGD a hug and a kiss and not just Skype her.
Thanks once again, like Arnie I will be back

Withany, you DO deserve much better, and I love what you quoted about the river. Also Gagagran's 'You only get steel when it's been through the forge'. Both brilliant, both comforting. Don't blame you for imagining what's going on between your husband and his floosie, but if you catch yourself doing it, try to distract yourself somehow - you'll torture yourself otherwise and he isn't worth that. You're doing all the right things on a practical level to get organised, which is very empowering. Strengthening vibes coming your way!

withany I don't think the dark days of December help nor does thinking that everyone is happy and getting ready for Christmas.(They are not - many people are sad and lonely at this time)

Try and be practical and objective about this difficult situation, which is not of your making. You are doing the right things in seeking advice. Would it help to discuss it with your children and see what they think would be the best move to make? Or is that not something you feel you could do?

A wise friend said to me, when I was going through a very difficult time some years ago that "You only get steel when it's been through the forge" and it's true. You WILL come out of this stronger.

I send you sympathy and best wishes and hope that you start to feel more positive by and by.

Thank you for your support and comments, I feel stronger today, I think I am worried about my future, you know where will I live, where do I want to live,do I go home to Buckinghamshire, where I have friends and 2 cousin's or do I go to Cambridgeshire to be nearer my son. As much as I would love to be near to my DGD I don't want my son to feel trapped there because of me, I am not his responsibility. I would not know anyone there except them. It all frightens me, I keep thinking how am I going to view any property, I'm a 3 hour drive from Buckinghamshire, and 4 from my son. I drive but am waiting for a new right knee, so only really drive 30 - 40 minutes at a time until knee done. I'm sure there will be a solution it's all the waiting for husband that is driving me mad, and I am making it worse by imagining him holding her hand, and giving her a kiss, and so on. I just need to toughen up a bit, and tell myself I deserve much better. I heard this the other day and it keeps going round in my head....cry a river, build a bridge, walk over the bridge.
Anyway many thanks for everything

Withany Apologies I have only just seen your post. I am so sorry to hear of your predicament. Not a nice thing to happen but rest assured you are not alone. Not that it is of any consolation to you. From what you have said our positions seem to be very similar so I guess you are feeling isolated, deserted and alone. Thankfully there are those on here who will certainly offer some comfort to you as they did me just over a year ago.
If you feel the need to talk just say so as this is a terrible time of year to feel alone, focus on your grandchildren as I will do although I will not be seeing them. I will come home from work on Christmas eve and not see or speak to anyone again until January 2nd. Not pleasant or enjoyable but something we have to get through and hopefully it can make us stronger in the long term - how I don't know how but we can hope.
If you can tell yourself that you are and deserve better than what your husband has done to you it may help and never be afraid to shed a tear, I have on too many occasions and will probably do so again over Christmas I fear. We are, after all, only human with emotions. Good luck with the weeks to come and don't be afraid to speak to anyone on here, it may just preserve your sanity.

Withany, your tears are totally understandable. You've been together for a hell of a long time. You've invested your whole life in this relationship. Why would you NOT cry, feel stunned, hurt, devastated and betrayed? It's almost beyond belief that your OH is being so callous as to treat you in this way. I agree with Kate13 - let yourself cry, rage, whatever it takes to get through this. Start making some concrete plans - maybe an appointment with the CAB to get some legal advice; maybe a Relate counsellor (they aren't just there to save relationships but to help you cope with a break-up if that's what is best for you). You need support and lots of it. Thank goodness for your little granddaughter who is keeping you going and keeping you grounded, giving you something to smile about and remind you about what is important. Try not to allow this cruel man hurt you further. Keep everything he sends you, but go and see your GP for some referral to counselling or self-refer by contacting Relate direct.I wish you continued strength and courage - and love.X

withany you are bound to have days when reality hits you and you want to cry. Let the tears flow it will release all the tension. Why is your DH giving you a blow by blow account of his days with this woman? It doesn't make sense, does it? Why is he spending such a lot of time thinking about you and mailing you? I wouldn't give him the pleasure of knowing you've read his mails and I wouldn't mail him unless it was something urgent. If he's boasting and wanting to hurt you...don't let him . Ignore him and let him fester. He doesn't need to know what plans you have. It's none of his business -HE did the leaving.
.