Christmas blues.....? Am I the only one?

Invictus I have searched the posts and found your question on the thread about pensions.

( It was HERE )

You are wrong to say there were no answers to your post. There were two, but you did not return to the thread to read them and post again. Remember that you asked if anyone knew anything more. We are not a panel of experts, we are just ordinary people. If anyone had been able to answer any better, they would have done.

Do you mean a works pension, not a private one? Did you go for a works pension and opt out? That would affect your pension under the new proposals. I searched on Google for you, and found this:-

“Reading the Single-Tier State Pension Fact sheet it sounds to me as though you may get less if you have been in a contracted-out scheme.

It says "If you have previously been contracted out of the additional State Pension, a deduction will be applied when we calculate your foundation amount. This reflects the fact that, whilst you were contracted out, you paid lower National Insurance contributions and your employer received a National Insurance rebate to fund your workplace pension. Therefore, you could have 35 qualifying years and not receive £144 per week.

The deduction is broadly equivalent in value to the workplace pension the rebate funded. This is consistent with the rules of the existing pension system. "

And Janeainsworth said “This has all just been discussed on Money Box Live
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b03lpjxy

It did say that if you had contracted out of the second state pension, you wouldn't get the full single-tier pension, but there was no reference to people with private pensions being penalised. “

If you click on Jane's link, you can hear what they said.

I am sure people do sympathise invictus, I for one feel, very sorry for your situation but you actually put yourself in that situation, caveat emptor. Properties in Spain have featured in television documentaries for years. Sorry if this sounds negative.

Not true, Invictus People with big problems get as many replies as people with ones that some (you) think are minimal, usually more. Does it hurt less to stub your toe because a neighbour has broken a leg?

Have you posted a problem which was ignored? If so I don't remember seeing it. Perhaps it was at a time when no-one was around, and it moved down the list before anyone saw it.

I can't believe how incredibly selfish you all are.Someone who has a perfectly sound,stable homelife with no 'real' cares other than completely imaginary ones on her own admittance makes a post and everyone fawns over her yet when someone makes a post that would give any normal person genuine reasons for jumping in front of the next train that passes,no one gives a hoot!?

Thanks to all for the comforting messages. I do worry about a lot of things: some of it admittedly not worth worrying about, but my mind doesn't seem able to distinguish between what's major and what isn't - it all tumbles into one heap of tangled anxiety. NanSue, Rockgran, Tegan and others - wouldn't it be lovely to take things in our stride more and step back from worry/anxiety I wish I could banish mine - it's a demon!

I wish my anxiety began and ended with Christmas - unfortunately it's a millstone I drag around everywhere, dagnabbit! Of my own making, from my disfunctional brain. Grandmama, I watched the Alex Polizzi programme and it just made me irritated. Television seems to be all about The Perfect Christmas, where people have huge social lives (we don't!) and spend much of the time effortlessly entertaining, throwing parties and dinners. That taps into my feelings of inadequacy even though I KNOW it ain't for real! I still imagine most people are doing all of this except for us.
I love your idea about the sump or petrol tank with the gunge at the bottom being stirred up (wink) - that is a very good way of describing uncomfortable and unwanted feelings.

I should be looking forward to seeing our lovely daughter tomorrow when she comes down to stay - we don't see her much. I am, partly, but it's all clouded by feelings of anxiety and comparisons AND I WISH THEY'D BOOGER OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE so I can live my life!

Dahlia , it will not be in in my house I am glad to say.

Just think, in a week's time it will be over, we won't have to feel anxious about shopping/cooking/presents for another twelve months. I do hope all Gransnetters have a good Christmas despite everything, and for those of you who could feel better, I wish you all the best for 2014.
Here's to you all, and I raise my glass (port and lemon, if you want to know).

Rowantree - I so identified with what you wrote. As Christmas approaches every year I resolve that it will be a non-event in our house - I tell them all I can't do with a tree, don't want the cards displayed etc etc. I think everyone else but me is out partying, meeting up with friends - just exactly what you wrote. I have a good husband, two lovely helpful daughters and two delightful grandchildren. Added to this I'm a serious churchgoer! So this should be a joyful time. Although most nights I usually get to sleep pretty quickly, within two or three hours I'm always awake and then doze on and off until it's time to get up. Sometimes during these sleepless hours, if I'm not careful, I mull over everything and all my resentments come to the surface. Usually these evaporate when I get up but the resentments can be quite venomous. I sort of imagine myself as a sump or petrol tank and my negative thoughts as gunge that settles on the bottom and isn't usually a problem but then I hit a bump and it shakes up the gunge which clouds and dirties my feelings. Eventually it settles again. It was a great comfort to find I'm not alone, thank you for sharing this Rowantree. These days we are assailed on all sides about creating a perfect Christmas (I'm just about to watch Alex Polizzi's Perfect Christmas on BBC2). Bah humbug! But I send every good wish to you, Rowantree, and to all the other Grans for Christmas and the New Year. As I always tell myself, it will be all right on the day (and it usually is!).

Wretched ipad I meant straits

Spain is in dire straights so I doubt the road will be built for a long time. But it may stop you selling. I'm very sorry for your predicament but I imagine that you all would have plenty of power if you united with a strong leader.

I've read all the messages on here with such interest and can understand and sympathise with every one of you and now I'd like if I may to tell MY little tale because I too suffer terribly from these low, depressive mood swings.Please bear with me as I have to explain ALL the story.
I have a wonderful wife and after working all our lives in the UK we moved abroad to Cadiz,Spain where we bought a house, nothing 'grand' just a simple retirement home we could afford with what money we had, my wife being Spanish.We needed to be somewhere with a hot climate as my wife suffers from Rheumatoid Arthritis.
In keeping with thousands of other UK Property Buyers in Spain we discovered that our home was 'illegaly built' even though we used a Lawyer Independent of the Builder, NOT recommended by the Bank. The Lawyer we discovered was both incompetent and corrupt. The Agent of the UK Property Company - (who were completely unaware and innocent) -was taking interested buyers to local properties built by local builders she knew and was in league with, NOT the Companies Properties she was supposed to! SHE was also in cahoots with the Bank Manager who gave her a 'back-hander' for everyone she brought to the bank who took out a Mortgage or opened an account. She got as much as 15,000€ from the builders for every house sale she got completed. She also got back-handers' for other recommendations she made to Kitchen Fitters etc.She is of dual English/Spanish parentage.THIS or similar was 'normal behaviour by many hundreds or thousands of Property Sellers throughout Spain from 2003-2008 and the very reason for the collapse of the Property Market in Spain.
We discovered 8 months after the purchase that a Major Road was taking half our land and possibly the house.The Lawyer said it was our problem, we should have checked-up on local plans - we didn't admittedly because we were NOT in Spain once the actual sale was completed and did wrongly think the Lawyer did the searches as they did in the UK, BUT they do NOT! As my wife had lived in the UK for more than 30 years she was also unaware of our responsibility.
Then the 'General Building Plan' which governs the local laws was altered and 'THE road' was miraculously and without explanantion removed although we never really believe ANYTHING the Council or Government in Spain say so it has been like living for 9 years with "the Sword of Damocles" hanging over our heads.
Then the WHOLE plan was removed, so NOBODY could legally build anything or even paint the outside wall of their property without a Building Licence without fear of enormous fines,and the local council were NOT interested in issuing any licences only fines - unless of course you were a Councillor, knew a Councillor etc,etc.
NOW, sure enough we have found out that 'THE road' is back in the New Plan to be issued next year. The little savings we had have been depleted one way or the other and of course our health has suffered greatly as a result. I now have a heart disease, the stress is palpable 'though my wife ALWAYS helps others and NEVER thinks of herself. I always say to her she is a good nurse but a bad patient.
I have continual thoughts about how we are going to pay for a proposed 'Council Urbanisation Plan' where they plan to charge every home owner 60,000€ simply to provide mains water and sewage connections which can apparently be provided at a much lower cost but the Council have to have their 60% percent rake-off.
I think of 'Death-Duties' because we live in a 'Community', no longer a Province, where they are among the highest in Spain and the Council will seize your property if you can't pay them!
I think of my son who lives in the North of Spain who I love dearly but have not seen face to face for over 4 years because he has to work so hard to hold down his job, with so many unemployed ready to take it from him, and who I will NOT see again this Christmas.

To push that theme a little further Katy we were on some holiday or other .
I said to himself is this alright ? His reply , yes no-one will be looking at you . WHAT !!!
din"t speak to him the rest of the day .

Now , if he says to me is this alright ? I can I think quite fairly say , yes no-one will be looking at you.

We have a good old laugh about it , still he NEVER said it again !

Forgot to add my DH's answer is usually 'it's not all about you'. He is SO right.

Me too Rockgran. I am always saying to DH 'do you think he/she took what I said the wrong way' or 'did that sound right' or 'what do you think so and so meant by that' or 'am I horrible/hopeless/embarrassing/do I look ridiculous in such and such an outfit.....' the list goes on. Glad I'm not alone

Thanks Nonu

Rockgran



x

I'm amazed at the number of people (myself included) who seem to worry about everything all the time. It makes you realise that even inside the most confident looking person there is probably a little worried mouse gnawing away at them. I'm constantly checking myself in case I've offended, forgotten, overdone or underdone something, misinterpreted, or in any way hurt a friend or member of the family - or indeed a perfect stranger. It is exhausting!
I hope I have not upset anyone!

just love yourself for who you are.best wishes to all gransnetters.

Rowantree, I really can identify with the whole "Everyone else is having far more fun than me" but maybe it all gets a little exaggerated in our minds especially if you are like me the worlds greatest thinker/worrier.
I don't think I am depressed but I can't remember the last time I spent a night without lying awake for hours on end, heart pounding and worrying about things that may or hopefully may not happen. Christmas always heightens and adds to all that, I constantly worry when the whole family get together if there is going to be an argument (there invariably is!) Is everyone enjoying themselves? and if not I take it personally and so the list goes on. It seems to me that everyone else takes things in their stride without feeling on edge to the point of hysteria. Maybe I would benefit from one of those self help books that I tend to scoff at. I'm off to put it on my Christmas list.
A very merry Christmas and happy new year to all.

I was only thinking about such things yesterday. As we get older time seems to go so fast and the secret is [supposedly] not to do the same things each year. Have a holiday in a different place at a different time etc [otherwise we get the awful 'it was only like 5 minutes ago I was here' feeling!]. But, of course, we can't move Christmas. It's compounded by the fact that Christmas past is etched in our memories more than at any other time of year. For that reason I always want it to be perfect for the grandchildren [hence not being able to sleep the other night because I thought an important present had been forgotten]. When I put the old decorations on the tree that were my mums I could be back in our living room 50 years ago and I physically hurt inside. If I was prone to depression [other than being a terrible worrier] I'm sure it would tip me over the edge. As for New Year, it's my bloomin' birthday as well, so it's like someone hitting me over the head with a wet fish shouting 'yah boo, you're getting old'. If I could I'd sleep right through it. Happiness and sadness are such strong emotions it brings them quite close together in the spectrum of emotions [the best comedy having a touch of pathos to it]. I have a few friends of a similar disposition, and we all greet each other at this time of year with cries of 'bah humbug'. On which note I'll wish you a 'Merry Christmas' [bah humbug]....and send you a hug!

I don't have any mental health issues but always feel sad and emotional in the run up to Christmas. Every year I tell myself I will be positive and that I have a lot to be thankful for ( aged parents still alive, lovely D and partner plus a gorgeous GS) but I still feel terrible until it's all over. I do miss my son and family who live abroad but it's deeper than that. Partly I think it's due to the fact that I am an introvert and hate all the fuss and all the communal jollity and parting but also I think it makes me think of when I was a child at Christmas and reminds me of the passing of time.
I'm not religious at all but carols and Christmas songs make me emotional still. I think Christmas is such an emotive time for all of us, bound up in family and the past the way it is that's its little wonder that it a difficult time for those of us with a sensitive nature or prone to depression.
And yes Mishap that 'obligation to be jolly' is a killer!

There is a very good thread on here somewhere about how to live with the back dog - I am sure someone will know how to direct you to it, and it did seem very helpful to me.

Dwelling on sad thoughts is part of the problem and is common to may people.

One of those thoughts includes the feeling that others are having a better time than you are. We never go out on New Year's Eve and I often think we should be out doing something and everyone else is at some sort of party - even though the truth is that I am very happy by the fire with my music and books. What crazy irrational beings we are!

I know how very hard it is not to worry about our children - we just want the best for them, but we can no longer engineer happiness for them as we did when they were little when a smartie would take away the pain. You can only be there for them and fill them up with love to carry through the difficult days.

I hope that you will be feeling a bit better soon - Christmas can be a difficult time when you are feeling low, as we feel an irrational obligation to be jolly!

Rowantree - I don't think your feelings are unreasonable at all. I think you may be surprised how many people feel the same. Don't beat yourself up for these feelings - as anniebach says, be kind to yourself, you are a good person. Christmas does sometimes make us feel worse, with all the jollity around us we feel we should be jolly too and feel bad if we don't. MY DH and I sometimes drive out and find a nice country pub and sit and soak up the Christmassy atmosphere, even if it's just the two of us. If you are nasty for these feelings then I am nasty too!

I wish I could take fluoxetine - it's an SSRI and it interacts with my migraine meds so I have been put on Mirtazapine. Jinglebellrocks, I know that black pit well! One of mine (the one with the baby) suffered terribly with depression and anxiety - was diagnosed with BPD years ago. After many suicide attempts, self harm and more, she was given specialist therapy and hasn't looked back (well, as far as I know). Has a lovely man who adores her despite her disability (something physical she was born with), she's worked to carve herself a career niche and now has a baby girl - probably her only child as she risks passing on her condition and their little girl is free of it, thank goodness. I still worry that she might relapse - and our elder daughter, though fine physically and emotionally, I worry about because she's single and trying hard to build her career path and I know she would love to have her own family. Anniebach, I feel for you - and recognise that ache so well that you feel for your daughter. For years after our younger D was born with a rare syndrome I hated hearing of the birth of my brothers' babies - trouble-free and no health worries, while we struggled to cope with a syndrome which didn't even have a name then (though it does now). It was hell, though we loved her dearly from day one and determined that she would have as normal a life as possible. I honestly don't know how we got through it all, the surgery, amputation, leg lengthening, mental health probs and all the rest, but we did and I am so proud of her for being herself.
Oh dear, I've wandered off topic rather, but just giving a bit of background. Being a parent isn't easy, is it, whatever our respective stories!