I'll be doing mine in the pressure cooker on Saturday so all I have to do is reduce the boiling time by.....by......
Now where did I last see a calculator?
Raise the Colours founder charged with murder...
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PS Just noticed a grammar mistake in the first sentence. I will take myself off to the naughty step in Pedants Corner 
Elegran you could be right, but I don't have a clue where to start. 
I did contact the Western Morning News yonks back, when a columnist had left, asking them if they were looking for a replacement, but they weren't. I also submitted a piece to The Oldie (The Perils of Modern Underwear) but got a "thanks, but no thanks" response. 
Tegan there you go, it's not just me! 
To be honest, I think these sort of things happen to quite a lot of people, but they have the good sense to keep it to themselves!
phoenix; this is exactly what happened when I bought a gammon joint to cook when we were oop north [having realised a while back that it's much nicer boiled than cooked in the oven]. I wish I'd read this before it happened 
. I've got a huge gammon in the freezer from last year and was deciding whether to buy a smaller one to cook. I think you've swayed my decision 
.
Cursing The Gammon!
Evening all. I posted this last year, so apologies to those that read it then. I am re-posting it partly because it might make the new members smile, but also as a warning/reminder to myself!
Tomorrow I will be sallying forth to purchase gammon, so may take a tape measure with me. (Thank you Stansgran )
This event has been brought to you courtesy of Gransnet, with special thanks to someone very special for their kindness.
Cursing The Gammon:
Start by getting out all of your biggest pans and finding that none of them is quite the right size/shape for the meat. Apply your first curse. Then you set it to boil on your newly cleaned hob, and wait for the spitting and splashing to begin. You can now curse again, even if you haven't rolled a 6.
You then realise that you forgot to make a note of the weight for timing purposes. Rummage in the bin for the wrapper and miss two goes. Now experiment with different positions for the lid in an attempt to minimise the splashing. Have another curse when you realise that none of the positions works. Say to anyone within earshot that it's the same every year, and why on earth didn't they remind you of that when you bought it. (Deflecting blame earns you an extra 10 points and a small sherry).
Realise that you forgot to set the timer, and try to estimate how long it has been boiling so far. Don't worry too much about accuracy; you are bound to be wrong. Apply an extra 30 minutes to be on the safe side, miss one go and have a sherry. After an appropriate length of time, drain and leave to cool. Award extra points if all of the water goes down the sink, but miss 2 sherries if any goes either on the draining board or your feet.
Cover with something to protect from cats (extra points available if a colander will actually fit over it, but deductions if you have to deploy either a tea towel or tin foil).
Apply final curse and enjoy
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