That Christmas Eve Tradition of.........

Phoenix WHY are you not publishing these on a web page that ALSO sells something that no-one can possible refuse? If you added a story once a week or so, you would keep their interest, and while they were laughing at your stories, you could show them some absolutely desirable thingy. You have the ability, you have the time (until that perfect job turns up)

phoenix; this is exactly what happened when I bought a gammon joint to cook when we were oop north [having realised a while back that it's much nicer boiled than cooked in the oven]. I wish I'd read this before it happened . I've got a huge gammon in the freezer from last year and was deciding whether to buy a smaller one to cook. I think you've swayed my decision .

Elegran you could be right, but I don't have a clue where to start. I did contact the Western Morning News yonks back, when a columnist had left, asking them if they were looking for a replacement, but they weren't. I also submitted a piece to The Oldie (The Perils of Modern Underwear) but got a "thanks, but no thanks" response.

Tegan there you go, it's not just me!

To be honest, I think these sort of things happen to quite a lot of people, but they have the good sense to keep it to themselves!

PS Just noticed a grammar mistake in the first sentence. I will take myself off to the naughty step in Pedants Corner

You missed the auxilliary curses phoenix the ones you employ when you reach the next level and realise that there is no way that the cooked gammon is going to fit in the fridge with the turkey, the side of smoked salmon that is supposed to be breakfast for the next three days and the vat of double cream that seemed such a good idea when Waitrose had it for half price.

I'll be doing mine in the pressure cooker on Saturday so all I have to do is reduce the boiling time by.....by......

Now where did I last see a calculator?

My best times with a big gammon joint were when T was in the army, and everyone (more or less) had gone home for Christmas, and I could nip over to the mess and borrow a huge pan. Still didn't solve the fridge storage space problem, though!

So, so glad that I don't cater on that scale any more - at least not at Christmas. Other times - well, there are some very good caterers around!

I have a canteen sized pan that MiL nicked found when she was head of a school kitchen. It would have to be a huge gammon not to fit.

phoenix DH and DS have just asked "what's so amusing" whilst I was reading your OP

Never had to cook anything that was too big for my Jelly Pan, tho' of course it has no lid, so I tie a muslin cloth on top to prevent splashing.

2 x overflowing fridge solutions:

1) Decant everything in a sealed container to the unheated, and securely shut greenhouse.

2) Pack smaller stuff into a cool bag along with a couple of deep-frozen items to leave space for BIG items in the fridge

Deedaa I think you might be referring to what is known among those with previous experience as the "Fridge Samba"

This, of course brings the need of other skills into play. At this stage you must BE STRONG! Do not, under any circumstances yield to the temptation of either delegating the cooking of anything to any domestic staff you might have, or letting Pandora and Mungo "express their creativity". You know full well that this could well end in either salmonella or an unfortunate rejection from this years Turner Prize shortlist on the grounds that yours was the only entry to which a sell by date might be applied.

I am losing it, aren't I.

You can keep losing it as far as I am concerned phoenix ! I just love your creative writing so keep going !!

Funniest thing I've read this Christmas phoenix, thank you.

Have you looked at wordpress So many bloggers seem to use it and their Getting Started looks helpful. You could really do this, you know (but I recommend waiting until the gammon is cooked).

Phoenix you have a talent for comic writing.

Icya, we are thinking along the same lines. I think phoenix should write a blog and people will soon want to advertise on it, especially if The Grans spread the word. Please do it phoenix, your writing deserves a wider audience.

I have my "wendy house" aka my garden shed where I can keep veg etc cool enough. What else I can put in their depends on the temperature outside. Some years I have had to keep stuff covered up enough to stop it freezing.

I still suffer regularly with Phillpott Syndrome phoenix.

I'll drink to that.

Phoenix if you establish a following with a blog it attracts attention, plus is a good marketing tool for when you're pitching articles for publication.

And we can guarantee a really good number of followers from GN

There are masses of sites that can help you set up a blog Phoenix, most if them free. Please give it a try, the response here is so favourable, and you know we will all support you. Just go for it!!!

Thank you all!

I will have a look and a think.

Well, just got back from Morrisons, used the vouchers (thank you to those that supplied the missing ones, and thanks also to a very special G'N member ) and I have bought the gammon, so it is all ready to curse next Tuesday.

Mr P seems to have adopted some odd traits, perhaps he is reverting to a sort of hunter-gatherer/caveman persona. Whenever my back was turned, he put some very odd items into the trolley, things that we would never buy, and that certainly wouldn't find room on most peoples Christmas list, vis:

Tinned spaghetti hoops - we have been together for just over 12 years, my cupboards have never played host to tinned spaghetti, hooped or otherwise, so why start now?

Mushy peas - I loathe them, so why are there now 4 tins (yes, 4) of the abominable things on the shelf? The only time I have used them was to make pea and ham soup, which I make about twice a year and use only 1 can each time.

Canned new potatoes - ??? He did used to have these with the aforementioned mushy peas and a Fray Bentos Pie (queasy/yuk emoticon)when I used to go away on business. I don't now, so can't see why he has bought them.

A tin of something called "Bacon Grill" - I have no idea what it is and no desire to find out.

He has also seemed to develop a chicken thigh fetish. Yes, they are good value, and yes, the Lidl ones are very good, but do we really need three trays of the damn things. He also went a bit do-lally with mince and stewing beef.

Now, I understand the need to economise, but it's a bit much when I want to cook, mash and freeze my swede to save a job on Christmas day and find no room at the inn, metaphorically speaking.

After much consideration, I have reached the following conclusions, either:
A) He is going down the same path as a number of his relatives, (there is a family history of dementia )
B) There is going to be a global shortage of the foodstuffs he has bought.(
c) He knows something I don't and is planning to build a bunker in the cupboard under the stairs.

Help!

I think there may be a national trend starting with mushy peas phoenix I have been married to my DH for 43 years and in all that time I have never seen him eat mushy peas. Now he is suddenly berating me because I haven't got any tins of them in the kitchen! WHY WOULD I? 43 years mushy pealess! Why start now?
I've stored meat in the shed when we've had a cold Christmas - although I was caught out one very cold year when the bloody thing started freezing!

phoenix Slimming World have a recipe for Mushy Pea Curry, I havent tried it but everyone that has love it, one way to use up the mushy peas but beware of the wind.

4 chicken breasts cubed
1 onion
2 tins of mushy peas
1 tin baked beans
1 tin chopped tomatoes
And curry powder.

Use frylight to cook chicken, add onions. Then add the mushy peas, baked beans, tomatoes and curry powder and stir again serve with rice.