Are you a good mother?

I always tried to be a good mother and, looking at my two lovely adult children, I am proud of them; they are kind, articulate, hard working people who are doing a great job bringing up their own children. Coincidentally, yesterday I received the following text from my DD - "I am reading a few threads in Chat on MN and just thinking how lucky I am that I have you for my parents! Thank you so much for being so great. xx" Cue tears from me.

I am finding it harder, in some ways, being a GM. I think it is because I didn't have any, and my DC didn't either, so no role models to follow. When I look at some children I do feel sorry for them, as their home lives are not just chaotic but without much love and affection - it will take exceptional people to rise above that.

Nope, I would not change a thing.

I did the best I could do at the time [like most of us]I think I was fairly strict with my 3 children, they had clear boundaries [no bad thing?]They knew that I loved them, and I did quite well in the home cooked meals/clean house dept.
But yes, there are things I regret doing and saying [which I imagine they forgot long ago] because we are not perfect beings.I could be shouty at times of stress , and I wish I had more time then to play and do things with them. I always took them to pantomimes, cinema trips and we did what 'days out' and holidays we could afford, museums etc. [No Disney or anything like that].Lots of country walks, as it was expensive for a family of 5 people , but as much 'free culture' as possible.I think that I did as best as I could have , given that I was hard pressed for time and my own character.
It's easier to be a Grandma than a Mother, we have more time to just play with them, they can have our undivided attention.
If we could go back in time [knowing what we know now] I guess we would all do better [for everyone]. I did enjoy being a Mother, and consider that when they were all under 10 to be the happiest time of my life.

I like to think I am a good MIL because I do all in my power to support DIL. She is the mother of my GC and I love her as if she was my own

I wonder what the answers would have been if the question had been: "Are you a great mother-in-law?"

I think to think that I am, but the fact that I like my sons' partners makes the job a lot easier

I think all any of us can do is try our hardest in whatever situation we find ourselves in. My children tell me I am a good mother and I hope that is so, because my own was pretty dreadful. Like many others on here I hope I learnt from her mistakes, to be firm and fair and teach my children to respect others and be kind.

I wonder if there are things which our parents said frequently and which we always swore we would never say? Whenever my DM was about to tell a lie she preceded it with To tell you the truth.... It was usually because my very difficult father had demanded some obscure piece of car or television from from some nasty dirty workshop in the depths of the backstreet s of Liverpool. She had to go there by bus with two children and she hadn't managed to get there. A friend swore she would never say Hello stranger if her children didn't phone her for a few weeks as her mother did.
I think she was as good as she could be but I was determined that my children would do all the things that she was too old and worn out to do with me- swimming driving riding a bike but I can crochet a Doiley or knit a lace shawl or a fair isle sweater so she can't have been wrong. Not that I do any of these things any more.

I was twenty when I became a Mother and I was not much more than a child myself, I too was a bit shouty, but I got better as I went along and I think my children have turned out well despite me! I know I am a good Granny,it is so much easier!

I'm OK I guess. Just bumble along being me and being a Mum. Kids seem to think I'm OK. Fine with that.

My daughters say I was a good mother so that,s some proof I guess. My youngest says it all the time now she,s an adult and has always been very close to me, I have a good relationship with my older daughter too but she is not so demonstratively affectionate. I think I,m a great grandmother to my lovely 4 year old twin granddaughters and they are always telling me they love me which makes me cry with happiness. My own mother was not nice and I have always tried to be very different to her I hope I have succeeded. My children/grandchildren mean more to me than anyone.

Yes, luck helps, and their having a good father/the mother having a decent partner, and agreeing on the most fundamental principles, e.g. honesty, kindness. Luck helps with everything probably.

Well, I was a loving and very involved mother but I had a tendency to lose it and shout, if I'm honest. And when I think of some of the things I let my kids do my hair stands on end now.
Maybe a good enough mother, as they turned out fine. I'd never claim not to have made mistakes.

Iam64, 'conflict avoidance' is what my mother was all about. When the three of us had a shouting match she would run round and close all the windows. What would the neighbours say? It was only when I went to university that I discovered that other people had families who shouted at each other. What a relief that was.

Thank goodness for luck!

Do we think there is a certain amount of luck in how things work out? We are not the only factor in how they turn out, are we, no matter how good we are as mothers?

I held back from being so forthright but then I thought, Hell! I am a good mother. I'm proud of the way I brought/am bringing my daughters up. Why shouldn't I say so straightforwardly?

And so, apparently, are my kids.

Seriously though, how could one not be if one starts from good principles, as I'm sure most, if not all, of us do/did? That doesn't mean one won't make mistakes, or do things which, with hindsight, one might have done differently. We're human and imperfect. I'm happy with that.

Yes, I'm a good mother. Next question.

Anno, my feeling is we learn lots about life, and parenting, from our parents. One thing that neither I, nor my sisters, ever say to our children is 'go upstairs and put your happy head on". Mum struggled with arguments and anger, because in her family, there were rather too many. So, she was focussed on conflict avoidance wherever possible. That can be a Good Thing, but mum took it to extremes at times. We all need the freedom to express negative feelings, or to be cross at times.

One thing I was determined not to do: make my children in any way feel guilty if they did something to upset me My mother, if we had somehow offended (usually by quarrelling with each other) would say, 'What have I done to deserve this?' And I never said that to either of my sons, no matter what the provocation.

I can't take the credit but I am content that my 3 DDs are beautiful (well I would say that) successful women who have achieved a degree of success in their careers and private lives. They have shown great taste in choosing (or being chosen by) 3 lovely men and I know that they will be cared for and cherished long after I am gone. Was I a good mother? Maybe sometimes, often I could have been better but I did my best at the time and we are all human. All I can say is they love us, they love each other and they love the 2 darling little DGSs DD1 has blessed us with. She is a wonderful mother - patient, energetic, stimulating and practical, but I don't think we necessarily become who we are because of our parents - it may also be despite!

I was very happy once though to hear her tell DGS1 that something was so because "her Mummy ( Granny) had told her so and Mummies always know best" I also feel a warm glow when she scrounges a babysit or a sleepover and says that I am the one person she would trust her precious little boys to. (Flattery gets you anywhere!)

We do what we can for our children but the main thing in my opinion is to prepare them for independence in the world, to let them fly without "strings" and rejoice when they choose to fly back.

And we don't have to live with them day in, day out I am64. Thank the Lord.

absent perhaps that should be all you need is love andcare. As for me I have no idea how you do one without the other. Otherwise, it's "in her own way, he/she loved me". Which I've always thought is just another way of saying he/she was actually a crap parent.

What can I say? My two are still speaking to me, they are both in stable relationships and they both have jobs. How much of this is down to me is any one's guess. My daughter has handed both her children over to me and they all automatically descend on me at Christmas so I presume they think I'm all right