DD (age 30) is moving back in with me temporarily . . Do I do her washing?

DS lived at home for six months when he was in his late 20s. We were lucky, the configuration of our house meant that he was able to use two bedrooms and a bathroom up a separate staircase so was almost self contained. He was responsible for keeping it clean.

I usually tossed his clothes in the machine when I did any washing. Fortunately he is an archaeologist and they dress a bit like builders. If he wanted anything ironed he did it himself. I included him in family catering, we enjoyed all eating together, but if he wanted/needed to eat other than with us, then he did it himself. He also enjoys cooking so would cook and cater for us several times a week. He also paid a sensible sum towards his keep. We did not subsidise him.

I do think it is sensible to discuss the ground rules openly, including her financial contribution towards the costs of her living at home. Having an adult independent child, particularly one who has also lived away from home for some time, back living at home is a very different from having a younger more dependent child living at home.

Petallus - No, I don't do ANYONE'S personal washing (or ironing) other than my own.
I do teatowels, towels, tablecloths and bedlinen, but lodgers, houseguests, children and foster children all do their own personal washing; the only exception was when I offered 'homestay' accommodation and washing clothes was part of the deal. I also encourage all users to clean the loo and bathroom/shower after use - although I do also give them a weekly thorough clean myself. If I took responsibility for other people's washing I'd never get out of the utility room. I live in a busy household with lots of day and overnight visitors - I have enough to do with teaching (from home), shopping, cooking, baking and keeping a large house clean and tidy without taking on jobs that others can perfectly well do for themselves. Interestingly one of the recurring comments I get from people is that taking part in household tasks helps them to feel at home.
Even when I was in better health I always encouraged everyone to do their share of household tasks. My children received a clothing allowance at the age of fourteen and then became responsible for buying, washing and ironing their own clothes. At the same age they began to take turns at cooking an occasional meal and cleaning (or not!) their own rooms. I'm now doing the same with my foster sons who are actually very appreciative of the 'life skills' they're being taught - even when they're washing windows.

When my DD stays, she does my washing for me.

Good question petallus. No I don't, but I have in the past. Then I decided it was time to treat him as an adult.

Well I put his washing in the machine but I don't iron it.
With a son I might ask did he want to add to the wash but with DD's clothes with special care finish and designer gear, no way.

To those posters who think doing DC's washing is treating them like children, a question:

Did you or do you do DH's washing and ironing?

Oone of ours DD plus baby, with Sil at weekends, came to stay for 2 weeks between houses which stretched to 4 months when their purchase fell through! I think that it's important to set guidelines from the beginning which will not irritate either of you if the arrangement lasts longer than intended.

DD cooked once a week and did the ironing, I did all the cooking and whoever was doing some washing hunted around for anything else that might need doing. She changed her bed but I have a cleaner so neither of us did that!

She offered to pay us 'board' but we declined that although DH did start to get edgy about lights left on all over the place [what's new there!]

I did the main shop but whoever went to the shop between times, paid.

That worked well for us.

The worst part was the 'stuff' everywhere!!

The upside was having our daughter living with us again for a while and the fact that DGD now has a brilliant relationship with DH because they spent so much time together while she was here.

When they eventually left they bought us a lovely lunch on a boat on the Thames.

I tried to live with my parents for a while after I'd left home, but found it impossible. Just remember she'll be finding this as difficult as you, especially as you're both used to having your own space.

I don't think I'd be treating my adult offspring as children by offering to do a bit of washing for them. I'd be thinking more along the lines of saving electricity and water by filling the machine.

Obviously anything requiring TLC would not be included. I'd be sure to ruin it.

When my DD plus her OH and baby son lived with us for 5 months it was all very informal. If I was doing some washing, I would ask her if she had anything she wanted to add in, and if she was doing some she would ask me. Bit the same with the cooking. It was pretty chaotic, but we lived amicably together.

I would do the everyday washing such as bedding and towels etc but not clothes that may need special attention for fear of them being spoilt in any way ironing would be the same I think as I am not the most delicate person in the world when ironing and have been known to get some fabrics stuck to the bottom of an iron so I would leave it to your DD to do that.Food and meals would be available as and when and I would expect some sort of contribution to the monthly budget to cover this even if only a token amount.

I wouldn't treat my adult offspring as children.

I don't have experience of this but my instincts say that I would do her washing, but not the ironing!

She's your daughter and coming home to mum - there's no harm in spoiling her a bit, as long as she reciprocates and doesn't slob around the house

I wouldn't treat my children as I would a lodger.

Yes, probably more economical to do the washing all together. But, of course, not do her ironing! Unless you want to, of course. But you will probably do it wrong.

I would also IRON , one of my little secret passions !!

I would be of a mind to say yes , what a few extra bits when you have the machine on anyway.
I would also cook for her , too much faff , two women in the kitchen .
Then she could as others have suggested , return the compliment from time to time !

Surely all it needs is a simple conversation on the lines of ,so how are we going to work this '. Doing her washing would make sense if you need to fill the machine but ironing is maybe a different matter depending on how much there is. The worst thing is to just let things go along with one or the other of you getting uptight about it. Communication is the key as in most situations. I hope you can both enjoy the situation.

Jess, setting ground rules would be going too far IMHO. It's a daughter, not a paying guest, who's moving in. Decisions like when the telly is on or goes off, would develop naturally. We find that when our kids are here visiting, they usually want to watch television once we have vacated the lounge, and if it's too loud one of us goes downstairs and asks them to turn it down. Simples.

One of ours lived back at home for just over a year, aged 26 after a relationship ended. Initially we'd all expected her to move into a flat with friends fairly quickly, but various practical issues got in the way, and so we settled into living together. I'm retired, she was leaving the house at 6.30am, back at the earliest 12 hours later, and usually doing paperwork for a few hours in the evening. She'd put her washing in the basked, I'd do it. If she put a load in, she'd do mine and put it to dry as well. I did the bulk of the cooking but she'd also do a meal once a week. We really missed her when she moved out. It'll work fine I'm sure.

I've noticed that lots of youngish adults regress when they visit their parents. But mothers too can regress, behaving as if their huge offspring are about 6, and doing everything for them. Ok treating them like a guest for a weekend but longer than that will probably leave you feeling tired and resentful
If they move in they will create a huge amount more work of all kinds. I think you should sit down and talk about it and agree a fair division of labour, and about things like the additional expenses. Milk, food and extra hot water for example.
Also if you need some quiet time, maybe agree some ground rules - its your house (some people like the TV on all hours and maybe you don't)
If you start off treating her like an adult you increase the chances that she will step up and behave like a responsible housemate rather than a child, or a guest. You should do this to protect and develop your adult relationship with her, rather than risk building up resentment and having a falling out.

My grandson has lived with me for the last 8 years and is now 24.

He works very long hours and I am retired and have plenty of time. I am happy to do his washing, in fact I prefer it.

DH does his own washing and it's bad enough reminding him to get his wet clothes out of the machine so I can put mine in.

Would not iron or clean grandson's bedroom and he does his own cooking.

Tegan Your post was lovely. I did always feel that going back to my mum's was like going home, even after I had 3 children and had been married for some years, and was grateful for that. I think my DCs still feel that our home is still theirs, and I'm grateful for that too.

In response to the OP, in 1984 I was that daughter.
MrA and I, and our children aged 7,4 and 2 moved back to the UK after 11 years in Hongkong. MrA worked in Barrow-in-Furness and while we were house-hunting, the DCs and I lived with Mum in Stockport, while MrA had digs in Barrow.

I did all the laundry,including Mum's. She didn't believe in washing machines, so this meant twice-weekly trips to the laundrette, taking over several machines each time.
She wasn't too keen on cooking either, so I did most of that too.

Hope that helps

No.
I 'encouraged' my children to wash and iron their own clothes from the age of fourteen. At various ages and stages they returned to live at home and the same rule applied. Now that I have two foster sons (17 and 18) they also do their own personal washing, although I do wash their towels and bedding.

Surely you'll just slot into a relationship? My home will alway be my chidrens home, no matter how old they are. We never had a proper home when I was young; always rented accomodation and mum and dad moved several times after I left home. I always envied people that had mums and dads with 'real' homes that were still their homes, with their old bedrooms waiting for them; I always wanted that for my two..a bolthole they could always come back to. Your daughters staying with mum for a few months, not moving into a hotel and everything will slot into place by itself. I agree about the wanting to know if they're coming home idea, though as I still get sleepless nights if they're staying and come home later than expected .

If one of our daughters had to move in with us for whatever reason I wouldn't hesitate to help with her washing. I'm retired, they both work very hard. It's only pushing buttons on a machine that does all the work isn't it?