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DD (age 30) is moving back in with me temporarily . . Do I do her washing?

(40 Posts)
BerylBee Sat 18-Jan-14 20:33:31

My daughter is having extensive works done to her house.
Her architect has suggested she move out while the builders are there,
and so, she is coming to live with me.
For probably 6 (yes, SIX ) months . . .aargh . .
. . aargh . .
For info, I live on my own, (amicably divorced) and I love it (living on my own that is).
Have you had experience of an adult child moving back in?
Advice please

tanith Sat 18-Jan-14 20:39:44

Yes and please don't do her washing... my son moved back in briefly and I tried very hard to treat him as my lodger as I didn't want to encourage him to stay over long so I didn't wash or iron for him, I did cook him the occasional meal but other than that he took care of himself.. Obviously your daughter won't be staying on a semi-permanent basis so a bit different in your case... but I would only do what you want to do, if you don't want to do anything then don't, she isn't a child any more so just do what you are happy to do and no more.

rosesarered Sat 18-Jan-14 20:46:28

Yes, my adult daughter moved in with us for a while for financial reasons, about 7 months in the end. Yes, I did do her washing and her ironing [though she didn't need much ironing done.] I also cooked to include her in meals. She is our daughter and we love her, plus she does a very tiring busy job and I am retired.I was happy to help her in this way, not as a pushy Mother wanting control, but simply to help.She appreciated it, and it wasn't for all that long. She helped towards the food /electricity/phone bill.How you feel about this BerylBee for your daughter, may not be the same.

LizG Sat 18-Jan-14 20:51:57

One of my daughters moved in our home, with her two year old daughter, and she was with us for about four months. We are far too similar for this to work brilliantly but it could have been a lot worse.

I did not do her washing, did cook most meals but she did one meal a week. We had a VW campervan so she used this as a lounge if she had visitors and she did some cleaning to pay her way.

I was quite glad when she sorted things out though smile

dogsdinner Sat 18-Jan-14 20:53:10

Surely whoever fills the washer turns it on and empties it after. I live with my daughter and we have no rules, we just get on with it. Same with the shopping, it usually works out fairly. Mind you I feel I do most of the housework, maybe the young are not bothered by dust.

Enjoy your time together and chill.

Grannyknot Sat 18-Jan-14 20:59:10

Beryl it depends entirely on how much time and energy you have.

I had a 30 year old nephew living with us for six months, he was recuperating from a back op, my husband and I both work full time. In the beginning when he was very much still recovering, I did everything. However, once he was up and about and active again, I realised there was something wrong with the picture and he wasn't working out what it was! So I stopped 'doing' for him, and told him he had a slot in the weekly cooking rota. He took it well and fell in with the chores. But - if I hadn't spoken up and changed things, I'd have still been the one knackered at night and feeling resentful.

However, what roses describes also makes perfect sense to me. It depends on the circumstances.

Aka Sat 18-Jan-14 21:04:55


Anne58 Sat 18-Jan-14 21:07:45

Think about being sort of economical and environmentally friendly, yet not actually becoming a laundry service.

For example, if you are doing a wash of light coloured stuff, ask her if she has anything suitable to add. Only doing your washing, then your DD doing hers separately could bump up the bills.

Adopting this approach from day one, might actually lead to all washing (that is yours and hers) being done mixed together by whoever happens to be around.

ninathenana Sat 18-Jan-14 21:15:58

As you live alone I would think it makes economical sense to fill the machine between you. Let's face it 'doing her washing' doesn't mean the same these days. If she puts dirty stuff in laundry basket or wherever then adding it to yours is no buggy.
I would not however do her ironing. I would expect her to do her share of cleaning and cooking depending on the hours she worked.

ninathenana Sat 18-Jan-14 21:17:02

crossed posts phoenix

BerylBee Sat 18-Jan-14 22:53:09

Thanks everyone for your responses.
I have read them all twice
Aka you're making me smile with your

I've been jocularly saying to friends -
DD and I lived together for 18 years without killing one another, how hard can another 6 months be!
But, of course, that is superficial.
The relationship is different now.
We are still mother / daughter of course, but she is no longer a child.

I'm confident we'll work it out, but I feel I have to take the lead, and I'm not sure quite what would be best.

Flowerofthewest Sat 18-Jan-14 23:22:52

My youngest son moved back in a couple of years ago due to a relationship breakup. He is very independent - does his own washing, ironing (work shirts) pays his way but still often buys his own food (he enjoys cooking) He will often say that he will get himself something to eat but if he joins us he is always appreciative. I don't really know he is here but as an adult and one who has had his own home, I and he feel the need to let him live his life. The only thing I do ask is that if he is staying out for the night to let us know as we would him.

An admission: I bought him some really nice Puma pumps for Christmas, the first time he put them on I told him not to go out in the rain with them. He gave me one of his 'looks' and my daughter, who was visiting, just said 'muuummm - he is 29 and they are his shoes' oops.

durhamjen Sat 18-Jan-14 23:29:41

I had to do the reverse last year as when I came out of the Freeman Hospital in April, they would not let me go home to live on my own, so I went to live with my son, his partner and two grandchildren age 6 and 11, for two months+.
The house was not big enough. I felt like I was camping out in the spare bedroom, or taking over the living room. They all seem to have superhuman hearing (I know I'm deaf) so I could not hear the TV or they were deafened.
Clothes washing was no problem. I just put mine in the clothes bin on the landing and it got washed with theirs whenever.
What I could not cope with was the cat, which insisted on presenting me with dead birds or even worse, slightly alive mice. Every time it came through the catflap I was on edge, waiting to see what came in with it.
If I was in the house on my own I would lock the catflap and sit in the dining room, so the cat would have to come to the French doors and then I could see if she was bringing any wildlife in. If there was nothing in her mouth, I would open the door. My son did not like that, but it stopped my blood pressure going up every day.

harrigran Sat 18-Jan-14 23:37:58

I had DD live with me for about three months and I did not do her washing or ironing and only cooked the odd meal for her.

Nelliemoser Sat 18-Jan-14 23:45:28

No No No! to any ironing . Do suggest tell her you want her to do her share of cooking, shopping, and cleaning during the week.

merlotgran Sat 18-Jan-14 23:51:30

If one of our daughters had to move in with us for whatever reason I wouldn't hesitate to help with her washing. I'm retired, they both work very hard. It's only pushing buttons on a machine that does all the work isn't it?

Tegan Sat 18-Jan-14 23:54:42

Surely you'll just slot into a relationship? My home will alway be my chidrens home, no matter how old they are. We never had a proper home when I was young; always rented accomodation and mum and dad moved several times after I left home. I always envied people that had mums and dads with 'real' homes that were still their homes, with their old bedrooms waiting for them; I always wanted that for my two..a bolthole they could always come back to. Your daughters staying with mum for a few months, not moving into a hotel and everything will slot into place by itself. I agree about the wanting to know if they're coming home idea, though as I still get sleepless nights if they're staying and come home later than expected sad.

grannyactivist Sat 18-Jan-14 23:56:37

No. grin
I 'encouraged' my children to wash and iron their own clothes from the age of fourteen. At various ages and stages they returned to live at home and the same rule applied. Now that I have two foster sons (17 and 18) they also do their own personal washing, although I do wash their towels and bedding.

janeainsworth Sun 19-Jan-14 02:58:24

Tegan Your post was lovely. I did always feel that going back to my mum's was like going home, even after I had 3 children and had been married for some years, and was grateful for that. I think my DCs still feel that our home is still theirs, and I'm grateful for that too.

In response to the OP, in 1984 I was that daughter.
MrA and I, and our children aged 7,4 and 2 moved back to the UK after 11 years in Hongkong. MrA worked in Barrow-in-Furness and while we were house-hunting, the DCs and I lived with Mum in Stockport, while MrA had digs in Barrow.

I did all the laundry,including Mum's. She didn't believe in washing machines, so this meant twice-weekly trips to the laundrette, taking over several machines each time.
She wasn't too keen on cooking either, so I did most of that too.

Hope that helps grin

petallus Sun 19-Jan-14 07:54:34

My grandson has lived with me for the last 8 years and is now 24.

He works very long hours and I am retired and have plenty of time. I am happy to do his washing, in fact I prefer it.

DH does his own washing and it's bad enough reminding him to get his wet clothes out of the machine so I can put mine in.

Would not iron or clean grandson's bedroom and he does his own cooking.

JessM Sun 19-Jan-14 08:08:10

I've noticed that lots of youngish adults regress when they visit their parents. But mothers too can regress, behaving as if their huge offspring are about 6, and doing everything for them. Ok treating them like a guest for a weekend but longer than that will probably leave you feeling tired and resentful
If they move in they will create a huge amount more work of all kinds. I think you should sit down and talk about it and agree a fair division of labour, and about things like the additional expenses. Milk, food and extra hot water for example.
Also if you need some quiet time, maybe agree some ground rules - its your house (some people like the TV on all hours and maybe you don't)
If you start off treating her like an adult you increase the chances that she will step up and behave like a responsible housemate rather than a child, or a guest. You should do this to protect and develop your adult relationship with her, rather than risk building up resentment and having a falling out.

Iam64 Sun 19-Jan-14 09:14:27

One of ours lived back at home for just over a year, aged 26 after a relationship ended. Initially we'd all expected her to move into a flat with friends fairly quickly, but various practical issues got in the way, and so we settled into living together. I'm retired, she was leaving the house at 6.30am, back at the earliest 12 hours later, and usually doing paperwork for a few hours in the evening. She'd put her washing in the basked, I'd do it. If she put a load in, she'd do mine and put it to dry as well. I did the bulk of the cooking but she'd also do a meal once a week. We really missed her when she moved out. It'll work fine I'm sure.

Grannyknot Sun 19-Jan-14 09:14:59

Jess, setting ground rules would be going too far IMHO. It's a daughter, not a paying guest, who's moving in. Decisions like when the telly is on or goes off, would develop naturally. We find that when our kids are here visiting, they usually want to watch television once we have vacated the lounge, and if it's too loud one of us goes downstairs and asks them to turn it down. Simples.

ginny Sun 19-Jan-14 09:40:55

Surely all it needs is a simple conversation on the lines of ,so how are we going to work this '. Doing her washing would make sense if you need to fill the machine but ironing is maybe a different matter depending on how much there is. The worst thing is to just let things go along with one or the other of you getting uptight about it. Communication is the key as in most situations. I hope you can both enjoy the situation.

Nonu Sun 19-Jan-14 09:48:15

I would be of a mind to say yes , what a few extra bits when you have the machine on anyway.
I would also cook for her , too much faff , two women in the kitchen .
Then she could as others have suggested , return the compliment from time to time !