Taking Children out of School for Funerals

Thinking of the various funerals that have taken place in the last couple of years in my family, I cannot envisage the children not being part of them, for so many different reasons. They need to know where they fit into their extended family and it is at large family events that are milestones in their lives that they come to understand this. To exclude them from part or all of a funeral for their family member, or someone significant in their lives, because of a school policy tells me that it's the school that needs educating.

Which has just reminded me... DD2 (in the sixth form by then) didn't go to school the morning Minibags was born. She just FIZZED at home and then came to see her little sister in hospital in the afternoon.

The "powers that be" at school just smiled and said aaw in a really human and understanding way

Missing a bit of school once in a while in order to attend other significant life events is not so important. In fact, I don't think it's important at all.

When I read "funerals are not so important" I decided it was time to go to bed. What a ridiculous thing to say!

My father's funeral (burial and wake) was very important to his family and colleagues and lifelong friends. As absent mentions, it was a time for all those people to get together and celebrate his life (in the wake we held after the burial) as well as a significant marking point. Seeing his coffin being lowered into the grave was important to me. Why has humanity developed these death rituals if death and the marking of it (funerals) are not so important?

For some families the funeral is hugely important – particularly if the wider family is usually quite dispersed and gets together rarely. It is one of those few occasions where you can and do reflect on someone's life and share the joy of knowing a person you all loved. It is also a way of reaffirming essential family connections. It is the time when you acknowledge that this is the last goodbye. I think all that is a very special thing for children to do as well as adults.

I also think that sometimes children need compassionate leave. I really don't believe it is down to a local council, school head of board of governors to decide how much time you are allowed to grieve for someone you loved – however old you are.

When a death happens, the grief is instant. Later won't do if immediate didn't happen.

It's a problem is you live abroad- in a different way. Our grand-children could not come to my parents funerals, even though they loved them dearly. They would have had to take at least 3 days off school. Did not make sense. One daughter came to my mum's funeral, the other just could not take time off work (from the Canaries- again at least 3 days needed)- and neither could come to my dad's, even though they were very very close to him. Funerals are not so important- really. We made sure we all celebrated their lives in a more positive way at a later stage. Much better for us anyhow. Go to a favourite family place one week-end, and remember all the good times.

I don't believe schools have this "problem" at all. It's only a problem if school management make it one. Going back to the OP, how often does a fifteen year old want time out of school to go to the funeral of a close friend? Once in a blue moon would be my guess. No need for rules to be written in advance. The kid's year head or "guidance teacher" should be able to decide the merits of each case. I cannot imagine there are a lot of such cases.

I was a departmental manager and 1 of the people I was in charge of lost her first husband through cancer in her early 30's and she had taken time off for the father and mother in laws funerals from that marriage.
She got married again and about 12 years later her second mother in law died and I gave her time off for that funeral.
I was the most senior person in the office when it happened.
When my immediate manager got back he complained I was wrong to allow this time off.
A few days later the top manager came back and said I had taken the correct decision. He said this was genuine and out of the ordinary.

I must say a stop has to come somewhere with distant relatives.
When somebody did a family tree our family consists of 500+ people so there must be 6 to 7 deaths a year.

Mary

My niece was unable to go to my Dad's (her grandfather's funeral) last summer because her company would not allow her a day off, not even taken as leave. We were appalled, as she was very close to Dad.

I worked for social services and, for all their failings as employers in terms of workload, they were hugely supportive when my mother was dying and after, allowing me as much paid compassionate leave as I needed.

its not only schools that have this problem its companies to..if you arent an immediate relative to the deceased some companies refuse to let you have time off to go to a funeral..ie a cousin of my late husband was refused time off to go to his funeral!

I see. In that case, I'd throw a sickie if my child wanted to go to the funeral of a friend. That is, I would if she went to such an unreasonable school. Fortunately, she goes to a civilised school.

Bags - they get taken to court! (You and Yours, Radio 4, yesterday).

When I was in the sixth form a much beloved aunt, who was also my godmother, died a prolonged and painful death from cancer. I was distraught and, at the same time, suffering from an appalling head cold. The new head noted my tearful aspect and asked what was wrong. I told her. She then telephoned my mother and asked if I was pregnant because the idea that I was that upset about mere aunt was plainly ridiculous.

PS when my father died, Aka my Head didn't quibble at 2 weeks off - the first 4 days to be at his bedside (in Scotland) as he was dying and the rest of the time to arrange the funeral etc. I didn't feel I needed to take more but the school put me under no pressure to get back. Those were the days of management typified by "Give a little and you will get a lot"

On an entirely different although not unrelated tack, I remember a colleague who was mortified when she told a 14 year-old student off for not completing her homework "I was busy Miss" was the sulky reply.
"Oh and what was so important that you were too busy to complete your home work?"
"I was at my Dad's funeral"
My friend admitted in the staffroom afterwards that she had wished only for the ground to open up beneath her. Nobody had thought to inform staff affected or even give then a "heads up" to be a bit more patient, understanding or show any sympathy.

At the other extreme, I taught for a while at a very highly regarded school in Bedfordshire where we would regularly get a brief "Be extra kind or patient with so and so.... her dog/pony/cat has just been put down"

When my father died, I told my Headteacher the date of the funeral, and he asked why I needed to take the whole day off. I was the one organising the funeral, putting up visiting relatives and preparing the funeral tea.
I think he seriously expected me to nip out for an hour while he supervised the work I'd set for my class.

Mind you, thinking about it, the local council does make some unreasonable statements such as that "permission will not be given... blah blah", but in my experience, the teachers and headteachers involved have been accommodating. Presumably they've entered an "explained absence" mark on the register. That's all it takes.

Excellent post Mishaps. I am glad I am not teaching anymore- I think I would go mad with all those rules and constant testing, league tables, etc. Struuuuuf. I think I would rebel too

Well said, mishap.

I wonder what happens if people don't pay the fines? Do schools have any right to fine people on such unreasonable grounds (such as the visiting dying father)?

I'm glad I've only had, and still have, experience of reasonable school managements.

Sorry my last was to Bags. That's what comes of watching Death in Paradise at the same time!

If the school's hands are tied by unreasonably stringent rules that do not allow scope for the teachers' professionalism and ability to make a proper judgement in these cases from their knowledge of the child and his/her family, then parents could not be blamed for using a bit of subterfuge if needed.

I get very frustrated by this belittling and undervaluing of teachers' skills - all this testing is fine for injecting a bit of objectivity, but it does not recognise that there may be times when in the teacher's view a child needs a bit of breathing space (parent is ill maybe), or, as happened locally, a teacher died in the classroom - those children need something more important than progressing 2 levels in their maths over the following weeks.

And in my experience, teachers do know their pupils very well and they have a very good appreciation of who is struggling and who needs to be pushed a bit. Let us restore some faith in them and above all trust.

I agree absolutely, Bags. It's a family bereavement, whatever the relationship, and should be respected as such by the school.

If it's not on the list Granjura there'll be a fine of £60 per head!

I've only read the OP.

There is a simple way to get round the "wouldn't be allowed" business: you simply tell the school that your child will be absent because they are going to a funeral. You don't ask for permission. You inform the school of what you are going to do and then you do it.

I have never encountered any resistance or problem from the schools I've had to deal with using this approach. Why should one if what one wants to do is reasonable. Attending a friend's funeral is reasonable.