Are you trusting or suspicious?

I'm suspicious and cynical because that's what my experience of life has taught me.
It started with my first husband who was a detective in the Drug Squad/CID/RCS and he drummed into me gave me instructions about what not to do when answering the phone/front door etc.
25 years of being married to him and I've never trusted anyone since!

My DH was a senior detective in the Met and is still suspicious in nature. He couldn't have done his job without that trait!
I am the complete opposite and try to think the best of everyone-despite having a fairly difficult childhood.
We balance each other out, although I do get fed up with the way he works out who killed whom on TV crime series. And insists on telling me before the end.
In fact, we have agreed to disagree for 44 years so far!

Jess I'm a bit like you in that I was always completely trusting - to my detriment. I suppose I was naive. But life has taught me to be more cautious. So I wouldn't say I am suspicious, but I am a lot more cautious than before, when I would simply trust everyone in sight.

One of the experiences that also opened my eyes was when I worked (in SA) in the criminal justice system. After a while I would look at people that I had just met and think "How many previous convictions do you have?" that was when I knew it was time to look for another job.

Mind you, when I was a juror recently I was again struck by (for example) the mild mannered, well dressed man in the dock who was a prolific car thief (he had 150 previous convictions). If the young me had met him socially I'd have been oblivious even to the thought that he might be anything other than a very nice person.

I would say I am cautious rather than suspicious. The people I trust completely can be counted on the fingers of one hand, others I sort of trust but am wary. My late DH trusted everyone until they proved he couldn't trust them and then they were cut out of his life completely. I'm not sure which is the better way!

I think you've touched a deep vein here, Jess.

I don't think it's an either or issue. I tend to think in terms of boundaries and privacy. I can be cynical, rather cautious, and go some way to trusting, but v. rarely trust completely. Once I do, I find it life-enhancing and special. Trust is a gift to give and receive.

Lona I'm with you. Life and my careers have led me to be that way. (Particularly if children are being very quiet)

Always cautious and suspicious until I know/feel someone can be trusted. there are usually "give aways". Look at people's eyes and body language, read between the lines of what they say and how they present.

Do they start any conversation by talking about how important/clever/rich/poor, they are?

Body language clues are rather hard on GN though.

I have spent a lot of my working life in a local authority customer facing role.
I am afraid I always suspect people might have an ulterior motive.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shalama Should you last post have been on the thread about the Sun not on here? It can be easily done.

Oh yes - I have been having computer problems all day and it's all catching up with itself. You are quite right. I will repost there and ask for this one to be withdrawn so as not to cause confusion

I am trusting, but cautious. I think I am an optimist above all. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt but do think I have become more careful as I have got older. Yes, I have been cheated on and stolen from and lied to, but I don't feel I can live my life being wary of everyone I meet unless I feel there is something off about them. I have found that people that have been nice to me, often haven't been to others. I think some people are very different people, depending on who they are with.

I shan't be one of those little old ladies who lets strangers into her house, though!

I think I'm reasonably trusting. I try not to be like my MiL whose reaction to anyone speaking to her was "What do THEY want?2 Anyone going out of their way to be nice to her was deemed to be "Smarmy"

However I don't buy anything at the door and no one comes into the house except by prior arrangement. And I do have a number of acquaintances who I would trust with almost anything.

I am very trusting- and it has led me to so many wonderful experiences- and a tiny number of minor disappointments.

I too am very trusting - I find it hard to contemplate a life where you do not at least start by assuming people are genuine. But maybe I lead a sheltered life out here in the middle of nowhere.

I don't think so, mishap. I have lived in cities and countryside. Being nice to people and helpful and friendly usually brings out the best in people. A smile goes a long way.

Although after 6 years in a city it did throw me when a passing neighbour said 'good evening' when I was back in the country! I had almost forgotten that people still did that.

I guess the trust/suspicion conflict is deep rooted in human nature. A roaming neolithic tribe, encountering other humans are going to be torn between "Wow, more people, time for a party or useful trade?" and "Are they going to attack or infect us? Or steal our daughters?"
In the last 20 years we have started to encounter large number of strangers online. Unlike our neolithic ancestors we cannot rely on seeing their body language or hearing their tone of voice. I wonder if what balance we should strike, and what we should tell our grandchildren...

janerowena Being suspicious and cynical doesn't stop me being "nice to people and helpful and friendly", and I'm always smiling at people.
They don't always smile back though

It's a good question JessM, and your post about the way in which we meet and have discussions with people on line adds to the interest. Life and work experience have encouraged me to be cautious about developing close friendships, until I know people well. I enjoy being with people, meeting new folks and chatting easily with people. That doesn't mean I throw caution to the wind, and give them my home address (same on line)

DH is suspicious about practically everything so I have to be trusting to balance things out or we'd both be a couple of miserable old gits.

I hate it when he's right and I'm wrong though.

I like to think that I'm trusting where appropriate and suspicious/cynical/sceptical where appropriate too. Certainly all those things have occurred in my experience and no doubt will again. I can't say any of them have caused big problems, maybe an irritation or two from which I've learned how to be a better judge of when a little caution (mild suspicion of motives) is wise. I hope it continues thus.

I don't understand the penultimate sentence (the quoted one) in the OP about not going shopping with a woman "because I would not expect that they would want me to look nice". I'd understand it if the 'not' wasn't there.

I wouldn't understand it if the 'not' wasn't there.

The woman quoted in the OP is obviously deeply distrustful of other women and thinks that they would not have her best interests at heart when it came to choosing clothes.

How sad...

I'm both trusting and suspicious depending on the circumstances. I reserve judgement about people with whom I might have a lot of future contact with, but will be friendly and fairly open with them as I'm aware they might be reserving judgement about me, too. My default position is that I'm ready to be trusting unless they give me reason not to, but I protect my privacy and exercise caution in those situations we all get warned about, like internet, opening the door to strangers, children being befriended by people I don't know much about and so on.

I have a pretty much open house a lot of the time and have had many strangers here for meals and to stay. For peace of mind I taught my children how to keep safe and jealously guarded their privacy (their rooms were in a 'wing' of the house that visitors were not permitted for any reason). We also had regular family discussion times so that, if necessary, issues could be raised in a timely way. None of my children have had bad experiences and regard their exposure to so many different people as very positive.

Having said that I don't so much trust people straight away as give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes before people come to live here we spend quite a while getting to know them, having them round for regular meals etc. and I don't shy away from asking blunt questions. Yesterday at dinner I questioned an ex heroin user in quite a probing way that once would have made my husband cringe, but he's got used to me being straightforward now and the subject of my interrogation questioning gave me fairly graphic answers without flinching. My house, my rules!

I'm far too trusting and never learn! I always like everyone and assume they are nice and well meaning and then, just occasionally, get terribly hurt. I still carry on in the same way though even though my head says I should hold back somehow my heart overrules. I always feel that if I treat people well they will learn and start to be nicer but some people are just plain horrid and killing them with kindness doesn't work.

Fortunately now we live in a rural town eye contact is the norm and we all say 'hello' as we pass and drivers always wave a thank you when let in and it seems to be a matter of pride to be the one who does the letting in rather than the one who is let in which sometimes causes confusion! I was near the big city yesterday and smiled at someone walking past and they kept a firm straight ahead look, I felt rather stupid.