regrets

Thanks coolgran that's sounds like a Monday morning in the office

One of the problems with dwelling on regrets is that one tends to forget that if one thing had been different, everything would have been different. Marrying my first husband was a mistake, although there were happy times in the first few years, but if I hadn't, I wouldn't have the lovely absentdaughter or my five (to be six next year) wonderful grandchildren. Life is all swings and roundabouts.

Can't remember where I read it recently but something along the lines of "if I can say I have done more good than harm I am content with my life"

That'll do for me, I'm far from perfect.

Just remember bucket lists don't have to be far flung expensive experiences, they can be little things too. One of mine is to go to the Thursday morning coffee thingy which I have failed to do in 5 years! We often don't visit the tourist things close to where we live so it could include a museum or art gallery, it could be contact someone you haven't seen for a while. If you look for them positives are really quite easy to find.

I was written off educationally, at the age of eleven. I was not even entered for the 11 Plus. While I eventually did college courses up to A level and equivalents, I still am annoyed with my parents for not having faith in me and it's left it's mark. My mother had been to university, but my father had not. He probably thought I would find a nice husband and just have a family, and not need anything else. Thank goodness things have changed.

Great comments up above, hope you feel a bit less alone. Never had a career myself just lurched into different projects that only make sense as a pathway looking back.

And amazing how many people have worked as cleaners or still are - just started doing it again myself. Sometimes I even clean my own house!

I'm with Aka - sounds to me like you need to resurrect a Wildest Dreams List - I am about to redo mine tho these days trapeze artist is not featuring as high (not because I have done it already)

Sounds like you have done a few courses and had a go at a few things, so you know you are up for trying. Maybe have a go at things that you want to do, not just things that you think others will be envious of; someone out there is bound wish they had a daughter of their own so you are already envied.

The listing three positive things a day was really eye-opening for me when I tried it. It can be just be little things but they can add up and help you focus on the good stuff.

And reading - LOVE reading. Why not try writing down some of your own thoughts and stories about your life to try and remind yourself of all the good things or people you have met?

travelling - check our Airbnb website for places to stay that are cheaper than hotels in interesting places. Had a friend who house-sat for people and got to stay in interesting places for free. That might be something to try - especially if your wildest dream list included places to visit?

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jul/12/letter-to-daughter-i-will-never-have

constance 's comment above re having a daughter made me think of this letter that appeared in Guardian Family a week or so ago. I found it very moving.

Thankseloethan I too found it very moving. Sometimes we need a gentle reminder that it's often the small things that make life worthwhile.

Gosh that is very sad - or is it? I am eternally grateful for my 3 lovely daughters - I truly know how lucky I have been.

I was reading all the posts thinking yes, that's me too. Lately I often think of all the things I should have done differently in my life. Then I read your post ethel of you standing outside the men's toilets retching. That made me really laugh, I think I have a weird sense of humour amongst my other failings, but I too would have been retching.

Sometimes you don't know what a difference you've made. Recently I met someone I hadn't seen for 15 years and she thanked me for all the support I gave her then. I didn't realise I'd done anything. Don't put yourself down Ethel your achievements are greater than you think.

Someone I know told me that a conversation with me about 30 years ago changed the course of her life and gave her the confidence to change careers. I cannot even remember what I said!

I think that on the whole regrets are pointless, and fuel that tendency to dwell in the past that can creep up on some of us as we age. I certainly don't indulge in idle speculation as to what might/might not have been. My only real regrets are the times when I have treated others unkindly, or been selfish and insensitive.

I would like to speak up for cleaners. I am not one myself but have had a few cleaner over the years. My current cleaner has become a really good friend, I rely on her to do what needs doing and I trust her implicitly. We enjoy a good gossip and often text each other with snippets of 'news'. Our family would be totally lost without her so, Ethel and all the other people who work as cleaners - I salute you.

When I had a guest house, I did all my own cleaning. Does that count as being a cleaner?
The only thing I regret is that my husband died in 2012, and did not live to see his eldest granddaughter get her first class degree.
I have to look back, because that's where I was happiest.

Thank you all again for the lovely comments, Ive not been on for a few days ,as ive been working. Im a market researcher now, I enjoy meeting people and doing surveys on all sorts of weird subjects, I do get down when people are horrid and slam the door on me (im doorknocker). Ive had a thread about cold callers before and accept that its not everyone's cup of tea but it sure hurts when they are rude.
I am so disappointed that I cant retire this year as I had anticipated and now have to work another 6 years in the cold and damp/hot weather so I have to rethink all my plans for the future, to be honest I just like to go home and stick my nose in a book or maybe watch a silly reality tv show like come dine with me - to escape.
I will take your advice, many of you said should make a wish list and I will seek out a new course at the local college. Ive been dying my hair pink in strips (something Ive always wanted to do)despite it sending my elderly mother mad, she is very controlling and I end up doing as she says most of the time as its easier than doing what I want. So to the blank notebook ........... my list of things I want to do in the next ten years, b too b.....y old after that.lol

I was repressed when I was a kid, having to do 'what was right', always behaving, never allowed to giggle or have fun, maybe that's why I am having regrets now, I just feel the need to go out and do something daft. I don't drink much so I cant get drunk, yuk, never smoked cannabis etc. so my wish list has to be something that gives me pleasure without stimulants........... thinking cap going on....

I think most of us feel like that sometimes, ethel. You have your lovely DD and DGD, and some younger women who have put career before having a family may wonder if they made the right choice in years to come.

I know I could have done more, gone to university and had a more high-powered career, but family came first in the 1970s, and then other stuff got in the way.

If you have a U3A nearby perhaps you could join when you retire - you sound as if you have a good brain which may appreciate being stretched even if you don't feel like doing a university course.
I am older than you and the feeling that I ought to read so-called 'intellectual' books is diminishing as the years go on. I just like to read something I enjoy!
I think I am content now! (most of the time)

People who change their looks with botox, surgery etc often look worse.
I am sure you look lovely as you are!

Go for it ethel. It's never too late. I had a similar repressed upbringing. Now I've broken free of what's 'right behaviour'. Life is so much more fun.

I think having doors slammed in your face on a regular basis may be influencing your outlook on life! Time for a career change?
As a market researcher you must have excellent communicative skills, receptionist jobs come up fairly regularly especially if you're prepared to work evenings and weekends. Small shops like someone with a bit of initiative and can be trusted to work alone. Many firms prefer older people now as they have more empathy and put people at ease. Your present job gives you the experience for better jobs - in the dry! And you're not even 60 yet?

How is the reflexology going, ethel ? Have you given that up in favour of the market research, or are you doing both?

places to stay that are cheaper than hotels in interesting places

Many universities will rent out rooms in their halls of residence quite cheaply and the rooms can be very nice. The first visit my husband and I had to London, we stayed in the Halls of Residence there and the room was more like a small flat! Very comfortable and it was nice that it had its own kitchen and 'fridge.

How do you know that others aren't envious of you? I moan to my brother about my son being a pain at times but he is grieving his sons moving away to university and would love to be surrounded by them on a daily basis. He has a good job as a teacher, his own home, a lovely car, all of which I do not have and he still envies me sometimes. I do not envy anyone. I made my choices and got on with it. I'm not materialistic though, as long as I have a roof over my head and food and warmth, than I'm doing good.

I trained as a nurse in the '80's but gave it up after a while. I have often wondered if I had taken a different path and carried on if I would have made the grade higher up in the profession. Then this week I bumped into an old nurse friend and she came out of it in 2000, saying that she stopped because a doctor got severely assaulted in A & E. This is not a job I would like to have stayed in if that was going to be the case so no regrets there. I went into care work, where I cared for a 25 year old cantankerous lady. But she needed me for emergency personal hygiene at times and even though she could be a grump, she was at least a comfortable grump with my help.

It is very hard to get a decent cleaner. One I tried came with no stuff to do the job. I asked them where there things were, cleaning products, hoover etc., and they said that they would use mine! I had no hoover at the time, hence trying to find someone to help. Needless to say, they left, job not done. I'm still looking for someone.

Also I would have loved to have travelled. Now I do it through the tele. Yesterday I went to Turin with Michael Portillo, it was wonderful.

Unless you're employing industrial cleaners, I'd have thought most cleaners of private houses expect the employer to provide the cleaning products (and hoover!)

Agency cleaners bring their own stuff but I provide my own materials etc!