I upset DD

I do interfere sometimes but it's well intentioned and I don't think it causes too much angst. If my son or daughter thought I was really out of order, they would just calmly tell me or make a joke about it. Crikey, we're human beings, not saints.

I would not go so far as my mum did many years ago when she re-arranged all our sitting room furniture.

My elder DD goes through my cupboards and separates out stuff past their dead by date. I just put them back but use them first. I have jam that's years out of date and the HP sauce is so out of date I cleaned the date off so I did not see it. It tastes fine. It's full of vinegar anyway.

Very difficult to keep zipped some times but it has to be done, although if they want to discuss anything I am more than happy to listen and advise. I am finding that as I age, the tables are turning and I am the one receiving the advice!
I wouldn't dream of interfering at DD1's house. SiL is the chief cook and bottle washer there and I quite enjoy just sitting back and being a bit lazy for a change. When I visit DD2 in Oz, I usually tackle the fridge, larder and kitchen cupboards on about Day 3. It's become a joke - the annual spring clean and she is more than happy for me to do it. I also become Widow Twanky for the duration and take over the ironing too. It's the same when visiting DD3. She always has so much washing piled up everywhere, so I roll up my sleeves and set-to; it seems to take up most of the day. On the plus side, two SiL's take over the cooking when they stay with me which is lovely.

I think you should sometimes say what you really think. You may have to wrap it up a bit of course.

elena - I mean just generally, in relationships.

KatyK, what sort of thing do you mean?

Do you feel you are being treated unfairly, or is it some unfairness you see happening to someone else?

I had to empty my mother's fridge as it was almost full with out of date foods. She has bad eyesight and could not see the mould and gunge growing around some of the pots which dated back many years. She is very independent and stubborn but I was afraid for her health.

I would never go through my DD fridge though and turf things out.

My adult son does make comments about stuff in our fridge but he lives here so I suppose he does have a right.

Do you think keeping it zipped is always the right thing to do, even when something is really upsetting you or you feel that an injustice has been done? Sometimes the unfairness of things that happen bring me to boiling point and I burst out with something which then upsets the apple cart.

How awful Sussexpoet. My mother used to seach my room for my diary when I was a teenager, so it was a bit of a 'cat and mouse' existence..... a different hding place everyday. It was only to find out if I smoked or did something' silly' with a boyfriend.... Mum speak for illicit sex! How innocent it all was in the latefifties/early sisties.

When I left home(asap) she gave up trying to keep track of me, thank God. I think that's why I feel as if I'm walking on broken glass with my own DDs

This discussion brings back unpleasant memories! All through my teenage years, and indeed right up to the time I married and left home, my mother used to search my room regularly - what was she looking for? - coming back from work one evening I found that she had been into my clothes and put everything in different drawers. This particularly maddened me as I was very tidy and particular about how my stuff was stored. She also read all my letters and my diary - I took to keeping private items at work! I discovered many years later that she had never given up the habit and whenever she babysat with my children she used to search not only my paperwork but also my then husband's papers: she did the same in my brother's house - my sister-in-law took to locking away their bank statements. The concept of privacy was entirely foreign to her; she never changed. And yet she was a person who expected her children to respect and love her!

I must confess that I always clean the filters in DS2's dishwasher because no-one else ever seems to do it! I only do it when they have gone off to work and just before I catch the train home. I don't think they ever suspect!

Sounds like most of us are pretty sensitive to what we can and can't say and do, and it does depend on the child, sometimes.

I would never dream of looking at the sell-by dates in any of my (adult) children's fridges, let alone commenting, but they would definitely look at the stuff in mine and comment

The best thing when you want to offer help is to ask. I often stay with my eldest daughter since she had a baby, and I know she appreciates help...but I do check what she wants me to do, if I am doing anything but something very quick and easy (like putting dishes away).

My mother drives me crackers in being over-helpful when she comes here - you can't sit and have a cup of tea with and a biscuit with her for five minutes, because she wants to clear away the cups and plates and wash up for you.

Hmm, lots of interesting comments on here. It simply wouldn't occur to me to do anything about the contents of my daughter's fridge, but I might comment on the paucity of contents in my youngest son's.
My sister and her mother in law never regained ground lost when her mother in law emptied and cleaned all her food cupboards, but my daughter was delighted when I did her housework whilst babysitting one evening. I guess our interactions with our adult children depend as much on context as on what we actually do or say.

I know what you mean grannyknot . My DS aged 38 arrived at my house after a rugby match saying "it's my turn to wash the kit" meaning "will you do it (as you always used to)?"Actually it's no trouble, just goes through the machine and out on the line to dry and air .He wouldn't dream of asking DiL to do it though as she never has !

Perhaps absentgrandma could be absentG, if her username has to be shortened? Confusing otherwise.

We need to get our absents sorted out!

absent you're right about them not realising that we are not the young vibrant parents they remember: my 39 year old son is playing football with work colleagues at a sports field near our home next weekend. He asked me "Can I invite them all back to yours after the game?" - just as if he is still at Uni. He looked genuinely disappointed when I said No.

I sometimes have doubts about stuff in DD's fridge - but hey! she's a grown up. She probably feels the same about my fridge. I do any bits of washing up when she hasn't had time, and sometimes clean the kitchen up, and she's very grateful for the help.

My MIL (94) was staying with her daughter (50+) and poked her head round her door at 11 pm to tell daughter off for having the light on and reading so late. Surprise surprise, she isn't invited to stay very often.

I don't think we should grovel to our grown up children, an apology is all it needs.They sometimes upset US too!
We all need to back off a bit with them though, tempting as it is to make a remark.
As Teetime says, some foodstuffs [yoghurt and milk especially,] can cause bad tums.

I think our generation has a problem acknowledging that our grown-up children are adults and they have a problem acknowledging that we don't have quite the same oomph as we did when they were children. Probably 'twas ever thus. However, although I am happy to help out in absentdaughter's busy life with ironing, occasional housework and lots of childcare, I wouldn't dream of checking the contents of her fridge or freezer, let alone discarding items from it. There is no way that she would dream of doing that with mine either. Besides, we are far too busy chatting to each other.

absent - yes i can see a problem with criticising my DD's friends. I didn't actually say anything but this particular girl and her family are the type who completely take over. The rest of us don't get a look in. They are very pushy and everything is all about them. I just sort of had my say in a roundabout way She didn't like it. I do have a friend who my DD has only met once (she doesn't know my friends) but she heard something that she didn't like about her and has made it clear she doesn't like her and even has an unpleasant nick-name for her. So one rule for them and another for us I suppose. Grannyknot - yes that's the trouble, I still see my little girl, although she is mid 40s. I have a friend who is almost 70, her mother is still alive and my friend says every time she leaves her mum's house, her mum says 'careful how you cross the road'.

Both DD and DS tease me about my fridge and this has passed down to the GC asking if the food they've seen and fancied is still in date - cheeky little beggars. I wouldn't dare do that in their homes.

katyk . The trouble is - if I'm honest - no matter how old she is, even when she was telling me off on this occasion, I still see the cheeky little girl with her hands on her hips dressed in her favourite towelling shorts that she refused to part with, and a faded T-shirt, hair all over the place .

I'm still cross about the time my mother stayed while we were away (not about that bit, I think she was minding the children... ) and folded up my underwear from the airer and put it in my drawer not using the sections of the drawer tidy which I was very proud of having introduced, but folded on top. In fact it annoys me every time I open my underwear drawer and remember. I always have a "what was she even touching my knickers for" moment.