Effective strategies, please

I thought that, too! I had a huge row with my daughter and she called me an old cow, so I slapped her. Then I thought - uh-oh, she's bigger than me! Luckily she was so shocked, as I have never been into smacking, that she didn't slap me back!

However, she has referred to the incident a couple of times since.

And she may be called minibags but she could be bigger than thatbags.
DD2 would be calling Childline!

I can't believe someone has actually advocated smacking!

Part of it, though, is the annoyance at having to remember to ask her to do it in the first place. When you are either still waking up or busy doing something else.

DS has a short-term memory problem, although very intelligent. I used to make him recite back to me in the morning everything he needed to get done as he could only remember one thing at a time. It went something like 'dishwasher, table, teeth, hair, prep, music, games stuff, phone'. Then I would find that I had forgotten to remind him to switch off the lights upstairs. That always drove me mad.

His flatmates at uni last year soon cottoned on, I was amused to see that someone had placed post-its everywhere for him!

Have you ever sat her down and asked her, in a happy moment, staying very calm, why she doesn't do it? With me and my mother it was mould-growing mugs in my bedroom. It was a big house so I was left to fend for myself until she started to run short of mugs, I had a sink in my room so she just couldn't understand it, she took it personally - until I told her eventually quite truthfully that I was studying and comparing the various stages of mould on my coffee.

All I can add is that our 3 DDs reduced their surroundings to such squalor that even the mice turned their noses up (and sometime their toeses too) but now in their 30's they are talented and instinctive homemakers with hygiene standards way in excess of mine. Live with it - there's worse she could be doing

And always late, I should add.

Smacking a 14 year old for not clearing up a few crumbs? All I can say is 'Crumbs'!

thatbags, look on the bright side - at least she is eating breakfast. If DD2 could escape from the house from age about 15 without a morsel passing her lips then she did. If she grabbed a yogurt and banana then I heaved a sigh of relief. She did not and does not have eating issues, by the way, she was just not a breakfast person.

I always expect the dcs to take their dishes to the sink or counter next to the sink after lunch or supper, but I generally tidy up after breakfast. I think it's mainly because I'm shooing them along to get ready for school, and it's faster for me to do it. Since they tidy up after themselves at later meals, I know they're capable, but it's just become a habit.

I think choosing your battles is important, as someone else has said. And I agree that a smack for not clearing up crumbs is rather over the top.

Will she respond to a cooperative approach? Such as "Please take the dishes to the sink while I wipe down the table" or something like that?

A slap for not clearing up crumbs seems a bit extreme.........

See, even though a lot of people in modern society look down on it, I see no problem with discipline. Most of us were disciplined as children, and we all turned out fine. And when I used it on unruly children it worked fine.

I can't imagine myself ever raising my hand to my grandchild, but still. Hope you solve the issue.

a little smack here and there can be mighty effective, despite what many say. it teachers core discipline. they will know to clean up their plates right away with just a look!

I don't know if it's because we always have people living with us, but I do tend to sweat the small stuff because it's the little things that, if left, tend to become major irritants. Not of themselves, but as bags has said, because it's about respect. Things like leaving washing in the machine and then going out for the day; taking things out and not putting them away, leaving a mess in the kitchen, putting recyclable things in the bin.......small things in themselves, but they create jobs for other people if not done by the person who is responsible.
When our children were younger we used to talk often about the importance of the three R's: relationships, respect and responsibility.

When DD & DS were teenagers, they both had to do chores to get their pocket money. DS's job was to do the hoovering. I learned years later that he would push the brush & hose over the carpet, without switching the machine on, so that You could see the marks of the brush. It was a sort of beige Berber carpet, but I can't remember how long this deception went on for. I might add, at the age of 35 he is still very "canny "! I don't think teenagers will ever change I'm afraid thatbags !

Its hard at to get 14 year olds to alter their ways. I tended with my girls to let it go if they were pleasant and good tempered and ate some breakfast. We tried having discussions and once we got them to agree to do certain chores. We left it at a few basic things like me having Sunday off.
It worked and DH went along with it and did 'his' turn on Sundays.
Actually they all controlled each other.
From a parents point of view it is hard work but the time and energy invested pays dividends.

I went to visit my son when he was house sharing at Leeds Uni and was amused to find the lads cleaning the place [even the cooker] because of my visit. When I used to house share myself I found the blokes were much cleaner and tidier than the girls.

I've had more difficult 'battles', as some of you call them, with Minibags when she was five and six years old. Mind you, I didn't have gransnet then

It wasn't a battle. It was a choosing of an effective method to deal with an annoyance. I did mention Jeeves and Wooster right at the beginning!

I had one tidy-ish one and two slobs The tidy one is not so tidy since she's had her own children although she's average, one of the slobs has remained so except for the places that show, the other slob the worst has become a total minimalist with not a crumb out of place

You cant win I tried every trick in the book doing it myself, leaving it on their bed, charging fines, confiscating nothing worked..... bad mother

So glad we didn't have "screens" when mine were at home.

It's not about mess really. soop has been to my home and she'll confirm that I'm not a fusspot about tidiness or unnecessary cleanliness, though I am careful about hygiene. For me it's just about doing your share and not being shirker or taking your parents for granted. And all that, for me, is about respect. Minibags understands that. She's sitting across the table from me right now conversing with some of her online friends.

I agree that the teen years are about choosing your battles, prioritising, and I would also feel that each of us have different priorities in what is acceptable within our homes.

My son was always polite to guests but could give me a grunt.
He always eventually took plates and mugs from his room to the kitchen but if I found we were running short in the kitchen I shouted to him to bring everything out of his room. Some of it had mould !!
Curtains remained closed for weeks and his bedroom floor was an obstacle course.
I did his laundry and left it at his bedroom door.
This would have been the time of upper 6th and first year at university.

Once every couple of months I'd empty the room giving it a deep clean and spend ages putting cassette tapes into their relevant cases and making it nice and tidy. Noone cared but me.

Move on 20 years, he and his wife are both professionally educated, he does his share of the chores in running their home, the necessary childcare, laundry.... everything. On a two week visit (they live in the US) I was so impressed.... and it wasn't just a show for us. My DDIL told me I had brought him up well.

I think what helped was that he moved into house share in his second year of uni and had to learn to budget, manage his time etc. Bought stuff in charity shops, bought rice in 3kg bags, and pototoes in cwt bags.

I had 4 teenagers of my own plus an endless stream of their friends more or less living with us. I never had any major problems and think that was because from infancy I never said No without good reason, never fought with them and always tried to keep the peace.
Nagging is never effective, they just turn off. I knew parents who shouted and slapped constantly and their children took no notice.
Save anger for the big things (drink, drugs, pregnancy) not crumbs.

We fought like cat and dog about her mess when my eldest daughter was a teenager. She's now 36, married with a gorgeous daughter, fab hubby and an amazing home - and is still as messy as ever!!! But I don't have to see the mess very often and regret every minute we spent fighting. It just wasn't worth it. Thank goodness, we're the best of friends and she admits she was selfish at that time!

Thanks for the post bags, and to all the comments people have made. I was feeling relieved I don't have any teenagers at home as I read, remembering the efforts we made to have middle daughter wipe the surfaces after doing the dishes. She's now 30 and we have to take our shoes off, and leave the dogs outside if we call mid muddy walk. Her home is immaculate, who'd have ever thought that could happen.

My two pennarth is to avoid unnecessary conflict. The wisdom is knowing which bits to avoid, we all do our best

I really didnt mean to criticise or hint that there may be worse things coming thatbags and I am sorry if it came across like that. It is just that when you read and hear about some of the awful things that happen to and with teenage girls then being awkward about crumbs just doesnt seem that important. My daughter leaves her room like the aftermath of a raid by the drug squad, but she is a lovely kind and polite girl, works hard at college, has ambition for her future, compared to her best friend who is pregnant at 17 I feel I have nothing to moan about.

B