Anyone else dreading Christmas?

Thank you everyone

I think the hardest thing for me is during the 4 months my GS has been away from us I thought it would get EASIER but it is getting harder by the day

I need things to change soon as I have reached the point I cannot take it any more

There is nothing I can do and I feel so helpless

To have my GS removed from me when both me and him have done nothing wrong HURTS SO MUCH

Most Grandparents including myself in the past just take it for granted their Grandchildren would always be ''there'' , mine always were and I decided when I wanted to see them or knew what the plans were for the next ''get together'' but it feels like my family has fallen apart and been shattered

I keep thinking I've done something wrong , but then realise I HAVEN'T

Nor has my GS but he is an innocent who is suffering too due to no fault of his own and there is nothing either of us can do about it

All I can do right now is pray that things will turn around for us soon and work in our favour as we have done nothing wrong in this and it is unjust and unfair

There is only so much pain we can take and I am at the limit of mine after 4 months of separation as it has been like torture for me , the pain hasn't ''gone away'' as I am only human , they took him and expected me to just accept it and get on with it which I HAVE but DEALING with it has been HARD - I do what I have to do around the house , it is almost ready and looking really lovely but I want to ENJOY my home with HIM IN IT

I ALWAYS called it my ''Granny Cottage'' as that was my dream , but PART of my dream has come true as in I got my cottage but WITHOUT my GS in his room

I pay £88 a month for an empty room

I purposely chose a 2 bedroom place so I could have him over to stay

It goes without saying but he is at NO risk of harm WHATSOEVER at my place , but still he can't be here , don't even ask me WHY - He would be safe from ALL HARM , happy and secure , which is all I want for him , to see him happy and secure here

I am waiting for him , my house is waiting for him but HE is missing! :-(

My heart can't take it any more!!

I do feel for you all who may have a hard time over the festive period.

I will probably be on my own, with my pets too. My son is at home but told me last year at 16 that all the presents I had bought him were c**p. So I have told him that I am not getting him anything this year, especially as he got me nothing except a card for my 50th birthday in the summer.

I made a New Year's resolution this last year, promising myself after keep getting upset and feeling down, that I would rid myself of all the negative relationships in my life. And I have, very much so. I went to see my mother, who has abused me for 40 years, and said goodbye to her. I have told my daughter she is welcome to my house only when she can explain why she has lied to me many times and tried to steal money from me. Even so, since my DGS was born 4 years ago, I haven't been invited to share Christmas with them or accepted my invite to share it with me at mine. My relationship with my sister is by text only at the moment as there is a question of trust.

This resolution went as far as friends/neighbours too though and I have moved house without telling neighbours where we have moved to and have dropped all contact due to feeling let down by certain people. I have sat in my late house feeling depressed and not one neighbour came to see if I was ok, even though at past Christmases I have took gifts of home made chocolates along with their cards. And in summer I have shared my home grown strawberries with neighbours. Not very nice to sit alone and get nothing back.

On a plus, I have also dumped smoking. The very essence of a negative relationship. And the best present I could have given myself. Once I have got over this chest infection anyway.

So I am in my new home, which I love, my son upstairs with his computer and me with my beautiful doggie and my budgies. Last year I bought myself presents and I will this year too. Anything which comes in the post will be wrapped up as it comes and then I don't know what it is, because I will have forgot a bit by then, lol. Plus I will buy the pets presents too. I will go and see my dad sometime but as he isn't that into Christmas himself, he wont mind if it isn't on the day itself. If it isn't then I will be good to myself and enjoy the Christmas quiz shows and soaps. I will have a laugh with the comedians on tele and toast the families I spend time with all year, on Corrie, 'Stenders and in the Dales.

I have joined a choir and we are performing in our Victoria Hall in town next month (scary as it's the first time). There is a buffet afterwards so this can be my outing. Over time I am hoping to build up new friends, one which will be loyal and be there during good and bad times. Things can and will turn around for many people and if this one isn't filled with the people we hoped it would, then love yourself and look after you, you only get the one.

Quite honestly, there is so much hype in the media about Christmas these days (like everything else that gets hyped up).

nannynoo I hope you manage to see your DS over the Christmas period and that you have an enjoyable day with your MIL. I do hope your bereaved DD will be OK at Christmas - it will be hard for you all.

Are there any choirs in your area - if so, have you thought of joining one, perhaps just to join in with the Christmas carols as you really enjoy them? I don't belong to one (have thought of it but I can't sing for toffee), but my one of my friends belongs to one and finds it very uplifting.

Nannynoo I wish you peace this Christmas and hope you get to spend time its your DGS. Even if things are very difficult for you at least your little one must know he is very much loved. Lots of children are not so lucky. I hope things get better for you soon.

I think many of us have had traumas at Christmas and we remember them all the more because we feel it should have been a happy day. When I was 6 my grandpa committed suicide on Christmas Eve - not something I would forget in a hurry.

Let us hope that everyone is able to celebrate (or not) according to their own tastes.

Be kind to yourself nanny

I feel for you nannynoo. What a horrid year you have had and I hope that the year ahead will be better for you and everyone you love. I have almost always approached Christmas with apprehension, starting at the age of 6 when I spent Christmas in hospital, isolated from my family. I know now how much this affected my parents too. There have been other awful Christmases (double bereavement 11 years ago) and New Years - my ex chose New Year's Day to tell me he was leaving. But that's water under the bridge. My family know how I feel about Christmas and protect me from my demons. I hope that family will be as important for all of you this Christmas.

Harrigran I am so sorry for your losses xxxxx

I am overwhelmed with the support on here!!! THANK YOU so much everyone!!!

I was thinking today I do actually LIKE Christmas - I always have and last year I WISH I planned a Christmas on my own , but after falling out with DD over her alcoholic boyfriend I came home and I had NO Christmas food in the house as it was all at hers!!!..

So I did put in a quick order for home delivery and managed to get one of the few Christmas puddings still in stock etc and although upset I knew where I would rather be ;-)

I think this year I will do the same - Build Christmas around my NEW HOME as Jingle suggested - I LOVE my new home , certain things don't change , especially love and I do love my own company most of the time , so am thinking to ''make it as special as possible'' under the circumstances and I do enjoy Christmas TV even though I moan about it every year! lol

The pain is still there but it will be more bearable if I do nice things for myself plus enjoy the Grandchildren which I still CAN thankfully , it has been a tough one , still is but it has made me realise I am not the only one who has troubles , I am not alone in it and 45% is nearly half of the population so it has opened my eyes to others as well

My sister is not well , she is in chronic pain very often , but she LOVES Christmas it really cheers her up as it is time for a bit of ''me time'' for her and pampering herself with lovely food etc and she makes the living room pretty and treats her cat! Her husband does join her but also does his own thing and leaves her to do her own thing which she doesn't mind! ;-)

I like the idea of some ''me time'' my younger DD will just want to be with her friends etc , that's fine and at least I get to see my older DD and SIL and 2 year old GD on Christmas day , it is so lovely to be invited and I have a Tesco voucher to spend for Christmas food and treats for the time around it - Might light some spice scented candles and simply CHILL xx

Iam64 I do what your friend does, exactly what I want, eat and drink what and when I want. I normally have my version of Christmas dinner the day before because I am not fighting for a decent gas supply to cook the food.

I also keep an eye on a neighbour's house as they are away each year for at least a week or longer. I am not fussed if the TV is not brilliant, I love reading. Provided I have heat and light, I am fine.

A friend of mine who used to be in a similar position, painted her bathroom one Christmas day because she wanted to. She could not be bothered getting dressed, going out and as somebody said, feeling like the spare part at lunch.

Some good replies on here.

I think that all familes have at least one christmas where it is just as well to let christmas pass on by without us.

You have many reasons to do this this year.

Be kind to yourself

nannynoo, I remember your posts when your grandson was first placed with foster carers but reading about your year, written in such a personal style, had me filling up on your behalf.

Christmas is such a tough time of year. We're inundated with adverts showing "happy families", who appear to have no financial pressures, conflict between family members, noisy messy dogs (see new2me thread) depression, anxiety, drug/alcohol abuse, bereavement and all the stuff that most posters here, and out there in real life, seem to be struggling with. I
often have to restrain myself from chucking a mince pie at the tv when the words along the bottom of the screen appear "if you're on your own, lonely, ring this number" Hah I think to myself, you patronising ** some people may be ok on their own, some will feel miserable, this advert won't help a bit.

Jingle's advice above feels warm and encouraging. I have a close friend who decided 20 years ago that she'd always spend Christmas Day alone. It helped her avoid being what she felt was the sympathy invitation, or worse in her mind, joining her own family. She has a special day, treats herself to eats and drinks she loves, listens to music, reads and if the fancy takes her, will watch tv. It seems to work well for her.

Have you met your grandson's foster carers? Many foster carers welcome grandparents into their homes, or meet them away from contact centres so they can go bowling, swimming, some kind of activity base for their meeting with their grandchild.

It's even worse because they're veggie but he doesn't like salmon! Tiddler has a dairy intolerance and toddler is a very fussy eater (apart from Graggy's dairy free banana cake

i agree, Galen, you may want to buy food now and freeze it because by the time you come home it will be too late to order anything and the shops will be pure hell.

Families rarely give a thought to the one who is doing the catering.

I used to love Christmas but not for many years because of personal circumstances.

I'm another one. I wish I'd arranged to be on a cruise at xmas. I've no idea if either of my children will be visiting. I'm hoping that darling daughter will her fiancée and the the two DGC but I've no idea at the moment. If I ask I get 'we haven't thought about xmas yet' as I return from my cruise on Dec19 I would like some idea before I go! AIBU?

To be honest I don't like Christmas very much. I love it that the kids have a great time but I am not a party animal.
We have had three deaths in the last few weeks.

It's a funny time Christmas - that obligation to have a good time can feel very burdensome. I hope that you find it is much more enjoyable than you expect in spite of your very traumatic year. It's just a day like any other - don't let it be a pressure on you.

nannynoo I thought we had had an annus horribilis but yours sounds even worse. I'm so sorry.

I also dread Christmas and can't believe how quickly it comes round. Once every five years would suit me fine. (Bah, humbug)

But it's your first Christmas in your own little house nannynoo . You've got to enjoy it. You owe it to yourself. Get some decs up on the first of December. Make it look really pretty - for you.

You could even make yourself a little Christmas cake and a Christmas pud. Have them on Boxing Day, or Christmas Eve. Find some church Xmas Fairs near you - they always get me in the mood.

If you try really hard to embrace Christmas, you could well find some good personal happiness.

And don't forget. You have got to find a nice little present for DGS to enjoy.

Go on! Give it a go.

Yes, I am one of the 45% who dread Christmas.
But after reading your post I realise that I am lucky, and I do wish things could soon get better for you.
Truly, all the best to you.

Dear Nannynoo what a terrible year for you I'm so sorry you sound so dispiritied and unhappy. Christmas can be an awful time for some people made worse by people like me banging on about it as I really like it but for so many years my Mother tried to make it a misery as she didn't like it. I do hope Christmas Day and Boxing day go well for you and that you find some peace from all your troubles. Friends will be here for you I'm sure. I wish you the true spirit and meaning of Christmas.

I'm sorry you've had such a bad year and I can understand how Christmas is going to be low on your agenda. I think it's a good idea that you've made plans to be at MIL's for Christmas Day. The change of routine is important.

nannynoo I'm sorry for your losses and your unhappiness at your dd and dgs's situation.
I've had my share of sadness and stressful family situations for the last three years and Christmas is always difficult for me, so I understand your dread.
I hope it passes peacefully for you.

Good morning Nanoo, sorry for all your sadness, I wish I could just pop round and make you a ice cup of tea and give you a big hug. I have troubles too but they pale into insignificance when I read your post. Stay strong and get singing those carols, singing is a very healing activity.
Keep posting on GN and you will get plenty of support and lots of comfort.
[hugs]

nannynoo I read your eloquent posts and so admire your strength. When you write about how you miss your little GS I can feel the love and pain coming through. I had similar problems with my daughter 18 years ago she ran off with her drug dealing boyfriend taking my then very young grandson with her. I was bereft I don't know how I muddled through but I did. Your right the memories of happier Christmases did somehow make it harder. We had a difficult few years with her but never as bad as that one. It scorched my heart. Probably why when I read your posts I could weep I wished I'd had gransnet to vent my feelings. I so hope next year will bring better news for you. I think most of us here can emphasis with your feelings. The one thing we have in common is the love we feel for our wonderful grandchildren and even the thought of loosing contact is beyond painful. You seem to have a plan in place for coping and I think that's what will help you and of course you can come here and yell and yell and pour out your pain. I wish it was a magic wand to wave it all better

Thank you Faye xx