Re: sisterly affection....don't make me laugh

Thank you everyone. I feel fragile and your support has helped me so much.

I've just had a text from one of my daughters to say that after I'd gone my sister gave the £20 back to my uncle. I want to swear but won't offend anyone here so feel free to add your own expletive.

She put me through all of that for nothing. DH says at least it will have shown my aunt and uncle that she's not as perfect as they think but I'm sure she will have said something that will have wheedled her way out of looking bad and will have shown me in a bad light instead.

vampire More , what a horrible day and well done for keeping your dignity.
I can understand your deep upset, please keep coming on here and letting out your feelings to us.
Hopefully, it will help you.

Extremely mean of your sister, to put it mildly, to try to humiliate you and show how skint you are.

Just wondering though, VP, why you are so mindful of your mother's feelings. I know she's your mum and 80 and all that, but from what you say she is just as beastly to you and your DH and children.

I was wondering that, too. Your DH & children are banned from her house? I guess, tho, you want to keep your mother / daughter relationship, without stirring up any more problems, which is fair enough. It's all quite a strain on you, tho, so do talk to us about things if you want.

I can't add much more except to say well done for dealing with such a difficult situation in a dignified manner, and not spoiling your DM's birthday.
It sounds as if it's a good thing that your sister lives on the other side of the world. However, quite often a parent will think the absent child is wonderful and the one who lives nearby and does everything is taken for granted.

I don't have a sister and always longed for one, but hearing some stories about how spiteful they can be makes me thankful I don't have one!

I know I've never been good enough for my mum. Always a terrible disappointment no matter what I did or how well I achieved but for some strange reason I still love her. I think the child in me still wants her to be a mum and can't accept it really isn't going to happen.

But then when I was teaching I worked with children who had appallingly uncaring mothers but the children loved their mums with a passion so I guess I'm just like one of them.

vampire well done for keeping your dignity, and your DM had a lovely birthday.
But I think maybe your DM will know as Mums do what your Ds is like and that there is friction between you, keep strong she will be gone soon enough. {{{hug}}}

Precisely. Mine is just as bad. She doesn't like DBH either, she wants me to live nearer and blames him for not managing to get a job closer to her! No birthday cards or presents for him, ever.

I think that you deserve a huge pat on the back vampire - not to say a medal. You contained your own feelings for the benefit of giving your Mum a good day and that is to be applauded.

You cannot change the difficult family relationships and your sister will be gone soon. I know this is a big ask - but you need to try not to dwell on this ghastly weekend. You have a good nuclear family there - your DH and children. Nurture and enjoy them and try and keep to of the wider problems in the family. You are not well and need to husband your energies for those areas of your life that you can make a difference in and where you are treasured. It's known as the "art if the possible." Don't wish for the impossible - enjoy all the positives in your life and forget those things that you cannot change..

You do not need to justify your role in this to others or concern yourself with what they might be thinking - you just need to do the things that you do best with your dear close family.

Vampirequeen What a horrible experience. What a horrible sibling. I'm on the verge of tears for you. I trully thought my family was disfunctional, but this takes the biscuit. My sister has mh issues and little money, and we would never, repeat never put her thro' what you've gone through. Even although there's no love lost between us. Your sister should have adopted the moral highground quietly. Seems like the paltry amount requested was chickenfeed to her. No, it's about vindictive control. She must be one totally unhappy person. My mother hated my husband. She sent my brother and an uncle from one end of the country to the bottom to beat him up. This was 30yrs. ago mind you. My sister squandered nearly £11,000 from our mother, and even put mum's house up for collateral against an unsecured loan. Due to her mh issues brother and I let it go. If she had an incling we knew she would have killed herself. We didn't want that on our consciences. No, hold your head up, and here's to you.

It was very brave of you to attend the lunch, I don't think I would have gone to receive humiliation.

Everyone else has said it VQ so ((((hugs)))) from me. I've always envied people who have sisters but I'm not sure now! Families are supposed to be there for each other.

Can only say well done and try to put it all behind you now. Your DHloves you and that is the most important thing to know.

Funny how siblings can sometimes claim 'ownership' of a parent when a milestone birthday celebration is in the offing. It's as though they want to show off that they are the favoured one at the expense of any other brothers or sisters.

Try and move on from it, vampirequeen. You put yourself in a good light by not losing your cool.

Isn't there an episode in 'Outnumbered' where they have a birthday celebration for the grandfather and the nice, put upon sister is seen outside in the car park kicking the selfish sister up the backside??

Hold that thought.

Vampirequeen your post about your sister giving the money back to your uncle anyway has made me so on your behalf. Your sister showed herself up there.

I wonder if she's jealous of you. You don't mention her OH. Just wondering.

VQ I see a number of us have sisters who are a pain in the butt. My late Mum said to me I was lucky my sister had moved abroad otherwise she would have made my life sheer hell. She manages to cause enough problems with a plane flight between us.

I do think you have been treated appallingly and you have bent over backwards to keep everyone happy, but yourself.

At least you have plenty of GN pals.

I often wish I had been an only one, it would have made my life a lot simpler.

Vampirequeen and (((hugs)) and - you got through a horrid situation and kept your dignity. Well done you!
I am very thankful for my own four lovely sisters.

to you vampirequeen. You have handled the situation with great tact but to the detriment of your own health. I feel sad for you, because you don't know the support and love of a sister. But you do have your OH and the children who must be a great comfort to you.

jinglbellsfrocks...my sister and I are complete opposites. She believes happiness can be found in possessions and money. She has a big house with a swimming pool. Can afford trips and holidays. All the trappings of what some people call success. But from what I see, the house is too big. Why do you need six bedrooms and four reception rooms plus numerous bathrooms etc when there are only four of you in the house. She doesn't have a cleaner so it just seems like hard work to me.

In order to maintain the house and lifestyle she works all the hours God sends either earning money or cleaning the house so she rarely gets to use the pool or take the trips she can afford.

My sister's OH is a bully. She doesn't see it that way but he is. She even lost weight for him because he thought she could be a 12 rather than a 14. He works hard too in this race to accumulate so they rarely have leisure time together. The house is run to a set of rules. Even mum said it boarders on OCD. Coats always have to be put in the cupboard or taken upstairs immediately. All shoes except his have to be in a certain cupboard. He leaves his in the living room. Last time mum stayed there it irritated her so much that she put his shoes in the cupboard. When he was shouting at everyone cos he couldn't find them she pointed out that they were in the cupboard with all the other shoes lol. He has even managed to drive a wedge between her and her daughter. Although the girl still lives at home (she's studying to be a midwife) she is barely there because he is so horrible to her. She's a disappointment too btw because she chose to be a midwife rather than a doctor....'wasted brains'. I tried to point out that being a midwife is a worthwhile and valuable career. Also she wanted to be a midwife. She didn't want to be a doctor. She will never earn as much as she would have as a doctor but she loves the work and is really happy in what she does. Surely that's as important, if not more, than accumulating money.

Like my mum she sees me as a failure. The last time she contacted me prior the party stuff was around three years ago just after I'd become really ill. Basically it was the 'pull yourself together' and 'get some backbone' routine. You know how it goes. I didn't reply to that email cos I was too busy trying to stay alive at the time.

I don't see the point of accumulating more and more just for the sake of it. I admit I'd like a little more cash but we manage and usually we live quite well. We like pursuits that don't cost a huge amount of money. We like to walk and cycle, watch sunrises and sunsets, photograph things we see, listen to music, dance ....all sorts of things that are free or virtually free. Our one extravagance is the caravan but that helps us to save money in a way. Apart from cheap holidays we will use it in December when we have to be at the children's school on three consecutive days for Christmas events. It will be cheaper to stay on a cheapish campsite than pay for diesel to travel up and down the motorway. Also the caravan is good for me because I feel far less anxious when there are fewer people around. Maybe I could claim it as medical equipment and get my VAT back

Well, just be glad when she goes back to Australia, and forget about her. Who knows if she is happy or not?

None of my business I know, but I hope you are getting proper medical attention for your illness. The right meds probably won't make your problems completely better, but they can help enormously. Just something to bear in mind.

We used our caravan when we went to North Wales for DS's graduation. It was before I had help for my anxiety and I found things like that very nerve-racking. It was comforting to have a "home" nearby.

This weekend is now over - kiss it goodbye and don't revisit it.

Your values are you own and seem entirely laudable to me - let your sister get on with her distorted views on life - they need not impinge on you in the slightest now.

You do not have to justify your expenditure - just enjoy your caravan - they can be such fun.

Do you think your sister may be jealous of you in that she sees you in a happy, fulfilling and supportive relationship whereas all she has are money and things and having to work long hours to keep them? I know which I would prefer. You handled a difficult situation with dignity and should be proud of yourself.

I know just what you mean jinglbellfrocks.

I am getting treatment of sorts for my mh issues. Unfortunately mh is the poor relation of the nhs and this area is worse than most. But that's a whole new thread

I think your sister is very spiteful VQ. I would be happy to swap you for two of my sisters who I don't speak to. I am sure if I saw them collapsed on the side of the road I would drive on by.