Do we stay near our family or move somewhere we like?

It was me who suggested it, I think, hondagirl - just a thought if you weren't sure where to buy a house. It could give a breathing space and be a great adventure. I wish we could do it, but we are probably too old and travel insurance for more than 8 weeks would be exorbitant (it is expensive enough now to add on to the cost of air fares).

It is such a vast country and, unless you knew that your DD and family were finally settled, you could still be miles away from them even in the same state.

Your DH sounds a bit like mine - 'you decide, whatever makes you happy' which is no help whatsoever! You will have to try to pin him down to see what he really wants to do.

A very, very difficult decision this, hondagirl, but at the end if the day you have to put all aspects of it into the big scales of your lives and weigh-up what is best for you two, nobody else. A good relationship with ones family is wonderful but cannot be relied upon to carry on forever. We all change, our requirements as well. Youngsters are often very mobile these days, and to move closer to them in the expectation of contact which becomes progressively rare is heart-breaking, as we know only too well. Also nostalgia can be a huge false prophet. If you have been absent from the UK for some time you could be seriously disappointed with the changes that have taken place in the old country over the years. And there's always the fickle weather. At least in Australia you should have the benefit of a better climate and modern technology makes keeping in touch with the wide world much easier. Have you thought about a short return visit to the UK to test the waters again, as it were? Expensive, I know but you are facing a massive and far-reaching change to your circumstances. You may consider it worth it before you make your big decision. Good luck!

Some very good points, papa

Perhaps you could draw up a list or spreadsheet with all the pros and cons of the various options hondagirl (which sound like more than two as you have more family over there).

Living 6 months in each country- with the best weather all the time- does sound great, perhaps for 1 year or 2- but not as a long-term plan, I so agree. Same with having a Motorhome and travelling around- huge fun for 1 year, maybe more- and then? Agree that you need to make a choice- but which one??? Is there an area nearer than Queensland, with less dry/hot climate near your children, eg a short flight or day drive- which would suit you best perhaps? So you can see them regularly, but not daily- and build your lives there?

Just looked at climate maps of Australia- it seems that the south Coast in WA, Sout of Perth, has a much more temperate climate- so has Melbourne and Tasmania. A possibility perhaps?

Bear in mind that you will not be entitled to NHS treatment and some other things for a certain period (maybe one, maybe two years) when you first return to the UK.

I thought it was 6 months?

If you are of UK pension age and return permanently I think you can sign on straight away for NHS treatment but would have to check that.

I've had two homes. One in the UK and one in Germany. Every time I returned the house never seemed like home somehow. I used to start getting it together again, putting flowers in vases and a few plants around and the garden tidied and then some months later back in Germany and starting all over again. it only works if you are really rich and have someone to keep these houses homely and comfortable. Warm and ready for you to return to.
In our case our daughters were in further education and without a home of their own. They kept going back to the German house but that did not improve it for when I got back to it. Then the house in the UK. I was always afraid it would get damp or get broken into. After 5 years I was more than ready to have one home and whatever disadvantages living in just one country had, it was better than dividing the time bewteen them.

I think I could make a home anywhere if my family were there and grandchildren.I see all mine every week and it's wonderful. However I do realise that things could change [jobs etc] and we would never follow children all round the country, that way you would have to move several times.You do need to feel happy where you are though, and balance that with how nice it is to see your daughter and DGC regularly.Also, the DGC don't stay children and will go off to university/college when older.It's a hard decision for you to make make, good luck with your future.

Thanks everyone for your comments and input -certainly plenty of food for thought for us and some sound advice from Papaoscar.

We did do a trip round Oz last year and visited Tasmania. It is very pretty and a bit like Wales, but unless you live around Hobart - expensive it is mainly very rural and after more research we found that facilities and healthcare for older people is apparently not so good.

Exchange rate going up quite quickly at the moment so more pressure to make a decision! We may not be able to wait as long as next July the way things are going. Anyway, thank again everyone.

Tasmania is that bit more expensive when visiting elsewhere in the country; at least if you were near your DD and family you could visit family in Queensland or vice versa - there are sometimes some quite good bargains to be had on internal flights if you are prepared to fly at unsocial hours.
Should you decide to stay, of course. It could depend on what your son is doing in the future as well.
If you do decide to stay it would be a good idea to make a social life for yourself besides the family and not centre everything on them.
(sorry if I am repeating what someone else said, or it could even have been me!)

Thanks rosequartz. It seems we have some hard decisions to make within the next few months. I have been googling and found that it does seem to be a common problem all over the world and also in America which is quite vast.

As some of you asked for an update on what our decision was, well we have not yet decided what to do. However, we had a chat with our daughter as to what her intentions were as the lease on the house they are renting is up in July. We explained that we felt we had been in limbo for nearly 4 years and that we need to settle down. She told us she did not want us to buy a house in Western Australia, as they probably wouldn't buy one either as they intended to settle somewhere on the East Coast of Australia, either NSW or maybe Queensland. We are a bit shocked as, although this is what we would like, what do we now do?

When they will move and where to exactly is anybody's guess and obviously depends on job prospects for s-I-l. Do we carry on renting here until they decide to move - could be a year, 5 years, t's anybody's guess. We can't afford to buy here and then sell as you lose so much money in Australia when you do move and anyway we don't really want to get stuck here where we don't really like it.

We have planned a long holiday to the UK and also followed by a holiday in Queensland. And then we need to make a decision. DH prefers Queensland, but I am very homesick for the UK. Also I feel guilty. Are we being selfish putting ourselves first when I know daughter needs us to help and support her with 2 young children under 5 as her husband works away during the week? Also my heart is breaking at the thought of leaving my grandchildren. Queensland may be in the same country but it is 5 hours flight away and fights are expensive. I feel as if our whole future, which we planned and which has already cost us a lot of money, has now been taken away from us. Our vision of spending our latter years with the family and particularly grandchildren is just not going to happen. I have done nothing but cry in private about this since the realisation. DH does not seem as concerned about leaving family and says we must do what it best for ourselves. But what is best for me is to have family in my life. But we can't go on being not settled for much longer. Also I don't know what life would be like just living with my husband and not having any family around. He drives me mad just wanting to watch sport all the time. We don't really seem to have that much in common any more. We were both working right up until we came to Australia and so have never really just spent time together the two of us alone.

I am not sleeping with the stress of it all. Looking back, if we had known the way things were going to turn out and that our son was not going to make the move as he had planned, I don't think I would have come.

Oh dear, how difficult for you.

This is a dilemma that only you can solve, as only you know your family and DH.

Maybe he is also missing the UK, but is burying his feelings in sport? If you were both in the UK he might find more familiar things to get involved with - volunteering, Rotary etc.

My limited visits to OZ, Sydney to see our DS and DIL did confirm my opinion that I would not go to join them.

Personally, I think retirement is my and DHs time to enjoy. Although the we are there for our offspring.

But, it has to be your decision. Have you all discussed it as a family?

My best wishes to you. X

What a dilemma Hondagirl
I think you need to decide what you want, as clearly waiting for your DD and SIL is only adding to your problems, particularly if their plans are so fluid.
I do feel for you

It doesn't sound to me as if you can rely on your daughter to stay in one place. I have had to move around all over the place following DBH and his work, and my own mother didn't speak to him for two years because he chose a job in Hampshire rather than one in Sussex where she lives. It made life very hard for me. Now of course we are even further away, but she has mellowed.

You cannot build your lives around your children, you really can't. I know there are lots of gransnetters on here who live close to their families, and they are very lucky, but I wouldn't mind betting that over half of us do not.

You need to settle down somewhere and make some good friends of your own, not rely on your family for so much support and company. Not put all your eggs in one basket, as it were. I used to desperately wish I could live closer to my daughter - but I far prefer our surroundings, the life I now have, and my social life up here. It takes a few years to settle down anywhere and to feel fully at home, I always reckoned on at least four years. When we got here, I didn't even bother to try to form friendships because I was so convinced that we would be moving soon. Now we have been here for seven because at last DBH has settled, and it's lovely. You are not going to be happy because you are not allowing yourself to settle.

Choose somewhere YOU like. Live your own life, not your daughter's.

If you moved to NSW and they lived in Queensland they could still be a plane journey away; if you moved to Queensland it is vast and driving from north to south would take more than 24 hours, so again a plane journey.

You will have to persuade your husband to take his eyes off the sport for a bit, discuss this and make plans of what you can do together wherever you move to. You have to do what is right for you; you will miss your DGC if you are not near them, but how many young mums have to manage without the support of granny?
You could wait to see what they intend to do and you could all move then find that they move again.
If you move back to the UK you will be nearer your DS - but he could move away again!
Did you say you have other relatives in Queensland? If you re-locate nearer to them you will have some family support.
I think you and your husband will have to find a future which will make you both content and see your DGC as often as you are able.

It's a tough decision, I feel for you.

janerowena - a very wise post.

Does your husband watch so much sport because he is bored - if you are spending a lot of time with DD and DGC and not doing things together perhaps he is fed up and has got in a rut.

I missed the original post hondagirl. What a dilemma. My sensible head would say do what's best for you; you mustn't live your life through your children. However, I know what I'm like and, no matter what I say I'd most probably put my children and grandchildren first and ignore my own happiness. What will happen when the children go to school; will they still need you in the same way or will you just be living in a country that you're not entirely happy with? If your daughter and her husband are planning on moving around, could they not rent a much larger property which would incorporate living accomodation for you and your husband [I know that's not ideal but it would probably be better financially for all of you]. It could be large enough so that that you had a separate 'granny flat' area perhaps. If they're not prepared to do that maybe you have to question if they are as commited to you as you are to them.

Many thanks to those of you who have taken the time to reply. I think it helps me just to be able to write down my feelings. Some very wise words from all of you.

rosequartz, my husband has always been fanatical about watching sport but it has been somewhat curtailed by work and weekends taken up with children. Now he obviously has more time on his hands and in fact as I write this is glued to the Murray tennis match! Yes, I do think he is bored, as am I to a certain extent here in WA. Yes, we have family and grandchildren and this keeps me more than busy but not much else.

Tegan we are currently renting with our granddaughter and family. We did this for financial reasons and the very fact that they were not settled either. I really do not want to carry on renting any more, (there are the 3 monthly inspections for a start which are very strict here as everything needs to be cleaned within an inch of its life) plus we would only be postponing the problem I feel if we carried on as we would not be able to settle as like janerowena we would feel it is not worth the effort. We would also feel our lives were not our own and we would have to move (or not) at the whim of my s-i-l.

I hear what you are all saying, and my head is telling me you are right. Unfortunately my heart is telling me something else. Also the thought of uprooting ourselves again and moving elsewhere with all our wordly goods is quite daunting,

Honda no advice to offer, but what a situation to find yourself in.

This is very much the modern day dilemma hondagirl but sadly that doesn't make it any easier.

I have a friend whose only daughter live in the south while she and her husband lives up here in Yorkshire. She would like to move nearer to her daughter but her husband does not want to. This is not as big a problem as, obviously, they can visit their daughter and grandchild but the same things come into it as far as I can see.

When my son went to live in Australia, then got married and then had children many people asked if I would move there. I certainly would not. My daughter does live near by but I do not think that is what influences me. My only grandchildren are in Australia and I cannot tell you how much I miss seeing them grow up. My son and DIL are brilliant at letting me know about the little things that happen but I still miss more regular contact.

However, at the moment (things can always change but I don't see it happening) I do not want to live there and that seems to over-ride my wish to be near my son and his family.

I don't know if my thoughts will help but I just wanted to say that some people think it is OK to make the decision not to live in another country just because a member of the family has decided to do so.

It seems harsh to think I am putting my preference for England, its climate, its culture, my feeling that all the general knowledge I have built up over a lifetime helps me be part of it, my circle of friends and ease of getting to know more people (or not ) ahead of knowing my grandchildren better but I cannot do anything else. I may be lucky in that I do not have an OH to take into account.

Good luck - I have a feeling you may not be able to make an immediate decision.

If you come back to UK how often will you see your daughter and the GC? As we get older long haul flights become much harder to do ( my husband can't do short haul and he is not yet 70). There is also the issue of not having friends or family around if either of you are ill. Friends of ours only moved from London to Norfolk but when he had a stroke she had no one around to support her.
You don't say anything about how you have tried to integrate into Oz society. Have you joined any clubs or organisations, volunteered?
My daughter took a sabbatical and was never happier than in Sydney but decided she couldn't stay there as she was too far from her family.

What ever you decide to do, I wish you well.