lonely

Just phoned my GP cant get an appointment until the 17th February and I'm at rock bottom. Trying desperately to stifle the panic. Just feel so helpless.

I will thanks again Tegan x

You must. And write down exactly how you feel before you see him/her and don't put on a brave face..let them see exactly how you are. xx

Thanks Tegan you comforted me, I'll make an appointment to see my GP tomorrow. Will let you know.

You must speak to your doctor. And, if you're really down phone the Samaritans..I'm not suggesting you're suicidal by the way, but I've been in an almost identical situation to you and I phoned them up once and said 'I'm not suicidal but will you please talk to me as I need someone to talk to', and they were wonderful. And I can remember saying to my doctor 'what about my children' over and over again, because all I could think of was them and not myself. That's when one of the few friends I'd confided in told me I had to look after myself and also advised me to take medication; the tablets didn't solve my problems but they pulled me out of the black hole that I was in so I could then deal with the problems. An unhappy marriage is a very lonely place to be and my children compensated for that which is why my world fell apart when they went to uni, so I do understand how you feel.

Tegan I have sought help but there is no legal aid anymore and I cant afford to move out. Social housing is non existent, I'm just at a loss, I need to be around for when my daughter needs to come home at least for the first year of uni, I'm so confused and I feel trapped. (Shock)

Ginette; you can't be there for your daughter if you don't look after yourself, so you must put yourself first. See a doctor [they will understand] and get legal advice because it sounds as if you shouldn't be in this marriage any more. I was in exactly the same position as you 14 years ago and I've now moved on. But you must get help.

Loopylou Mishap and Janerowena
Again my sincere thanks, Mishap you nailed the issue at hand. Its living with a man who chooses to ignore my pain. In reality we live separate lives. For a long time I have turned to my daughter for that escape from the man, when I had her it didn't bother me how nasty or uncaring he was, now in order for me to feel sane, I have reached out to him and he has reciprocated by asking for sex! Sorry for being so blunt, don't even know if this is allowed so I do apologise but in order for you all to understand I have to put in out there, its a long story stemming from his inadequacies and shortcomings,. He has accused me of having affairs and for a while I kept forgiving him but it got to a point where I couldn't take anymore so I stopped sleeping in the same bed with him and moved to the spare room. To me i felt if he couldn't respect me then I couldn't sleep in the same bed. Thats when my daughter became the centre of my universe, last week when I couldn't cope I relented and turned to him only to be degraded! Sleeping with him is not something I want to do really but it is the only way I can get to feel sane as otherwise he will completely ostracise me and I would not be able to survive the loss of my daughter. Its not medication I recognise what the issue is but I have no escape as financially I couldn't survive, he has me over a barrel and he knows that. Hence he does as he wants.
I asked him today to do some activities with me, he is not interested. His idea of fun is to come back from work and sit in front of the TV.
I am stuck, I can only see my life changing when my daughter no longer relies on me and by the way he has stopped speaking to her because she has a boyfriend. She was home for Christmas and he didnt speak to her even on Christmas day!

No-one who has never been depressed can possibly imagine how awful it is, I was very lucky because DBH gets SAD, so he was very understanding. I was very low for over a year. You really do need a bit of chemical help though, just until you have got a few things sorted out that make you feel good.

Go and see your GP Ginnette as a first step, many of us have been in similar situations and admitting that you can't cope isn't a crime, been there etc. my husband wasn't particularly supportive but I think some of that was a degree of shock as 'you've always coped' was his take on it.
Think of it as your mind/brain being overstretched and needing a bit of time to reprogramme, with help from medication if necessary (you wouldn't hesitate if you had a rash, sprain etc)
Fingers crossed and ((hug))

If you are also getting panic attacks of that magnitude as well as feeling low and unable to rise above life's ups and downs then off to the docs would be the best plan.

I have been struggling with a depressive illness (see thread called depression 2) and taking an anti-depressant has been the right course of action for me, and I am feeling more able to face life's battles now.

In addition you do not have someone living with you who is able (or wishes) to try and understand the problem or offer support. That is HIS problem, not yours. If you are unwell, you need help and his attitude is irrelevant. I have been blessed with supportive and understanding family and friends and I can imagine how hard it must be for you trying to cope without that.

I wonder whether your focus on your DD is not part of the poverty of your relationship with your OH at the moment - it might have been your way of avoiding dealing with that - and who can blame you?

I do hope that a visit to the GP might be a good way forward for you - do tell him/her that your OH is not being supportive, then they will understand quite what you are dealing with.

Good luck - we are all rooting for you. You will get there - it just takes a bit of time.

Thanks ladies, I guess I may have to face the hard reality that I'm unable to cope and will require "happy" pills! I cant believe how hollow I feel, my daughter is oblivious and tgat does make it harder as if she was in touch more often perhaps it would ease my situation, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I remember looking back thinking how liberating it would be when she left home. How wrong was I! In hindsight I would have done more to keep busy and not live just for her.
My husband thinks its hilarious when I experience panic and anxiety attacks, last night was awful I couldn't breathe I'm terrified of the darkness and have to have as many lights on as possible until my husband comes home.
I want this to stop thats all

You did 5 days.
That is a step in the right direction.

I have reread this thread.
A lack of friends, family and a husband who doesnt like you going out is a problem.
I think posters on here have suggested things about friends.
I dont think we can help much to change your husband anytime soon.
Are their family members who you can reconnect with?

Ginette, I fully agree with Tegan about this. Please go and talk to your GP.

I still think you need to give antidepressants a go Ginette, because of the fact that you can't lift yourself up to the level at which you can then move on in some way. It worked for me.

DS goes back this Saturday, so last night I had my first weird dream in which I can't find him. I shall probably have one every night for at least a week now.

I took St. John's Wort, joined here, joined every club I could face locally, DBH and I engineered more trips out together, and I stalked DS's little green light to check that he was still alive. I got through it, and you will too. Do you read much? That takes your mind off things too. If you don't, maybe you could start.

How is everyone? I've not improved at all. I've really tried but I've hit a brick wall. I cant seem to escape these feelings of emptiness and loneliness, I just need this to end.

Hi Ginette
I can really understand how you feel - at first when they leave it is such a huge life change for you, so no wonder you are feeling down. I too am lonely, it has happened over the last few years. I lost my parents, and others of that generation, so feel rather lost as the family has really diminished.

Now when I compare my life to friends, they have young granchidren living locally who are a great joy and interest, plus their own children, always things going on in their livs. One of my children is living in other side of the world, the other is about 200 miles away, so I rarely see them, and like you have no grandchildren.

I just have to accept that this is just the reality of my life now, and try and get on with it as happily as I can (easier said than done). I don't want to get anti depressants, because I feel thats not a good move.

I too really need to make some new contacts locally, as Elegran suggests to you. Personally I am going to try the WI, as it is quite a young group with a walking club attached, and hope they are friendly.

I find that if I do have an unexpected meetup and chat with someone, it really lifts my spirits. Hope you can get something new in your life too.

Ginette Sounds as though you need to forge some links outside the house. Find somewhere to go regularly, something to do, someone to talk to.

When I was widowed, a lifeline was the list of adult education classes run by the local authority. Being over 60 and not employed, they cost me £19.20 for each 8 or 10 week course, and gave me places to go on a few days a week. Once there, I had people to talk to and other things to fill my mind than the fact that I was alone (but I always left lights on in the house so that it did not look so empty when I returned).

That would also give you something to tell DD when you next contact her, other than how miserable you are without her - you don't want to pile guilt on her, do you?

That is another good reason to resist Skype, " Yes dear, I've been up for hours really busy this morning. . . . La, la, la!" (Still in bed with umpteenth cup of tea, newspaper and crossword?)

I tidy my hair before I make my skype appearances!

I am hoping when I get back to work and routine I'll resolve the blues its also because I don't really havs friends or family. This forum is the only solid link I've had since monday. This weekend will test me to the limit as weekends were days we filled with baking, going out with the dog (not ours), the cinema or day trips and shopping while my husband was at work.
Thanks again for the help Tegan and Soutra

..perhaps I need to Skype myself; it would make me tidy the house and get out of my pyjamas ....

I was going to say something and then realised that Soutra had said the same. I'm begining to thing that there's a chicken and egg situation whereby there is depression to start off with and it has been compounded by your daughter leaving and you should reconsider taking an antidepressant. When my children left home and my marriage broke up I fought for ages against taking medication but eventually agreed to it and it brought me back up to a level whereby I could get my life back on track. I actually worked for my doctor at the time and he said it had taken me longer than most people to sink under the stress that I was under but that I had to take something. I only took them for a while but it did help me to help myself. I was fine when I was at work but couldn't stop crying the minute I was able to drop my Eleanor Rigby face.

NotTooOld. Yes, watching your daughter make her tea is certainly not riveting! But you can catch up with their busy lives at that time.