lonely

Loneliness is very hard to bear. I joined a church and now have friends and invitations for which I am so glad. Just thought I would share this gem.

hi Folks I moved to my present accommodation 3 years ago and I am still finding it hard to make friends, I used to live in London but after I had a heart attack my son thought it better if I moved closer to him.

I was going to go to Mold which is between my oldest and youngest, I so wish I had stuck with my original choice as now I don't see any one.

I am so far away from my youngest and my oldest don't give a toss about me.

I had no light in my kitchen for 2 weeks and in the end I had to ask a stranger to help me.

I asked age uk they told me that there was a 6 week wait and I also asked the housing association they told me I would have to pay the electrician which would be around £90.

I know if I had stayed in London my friends there would have been round in a trice, I used to live on a boat that was another reason for the move but really wish I had stayed putt

When Ginette finds it possible to act,she will.The info offered here may help.Personal attacks wont.

I think Ginette will gradually come to realise that staying is scarier than going. But she has to decide that for herself. Not everyone has a good friend who is willing to put up with them for a few months while they sort themselves out. Leaving what you know is very scary.

Save every penny you can.

Waspish? What an odd thing to say Soutra

Exercising your editorial prerogative, Anya?
if you've nothing constructive to add, best say nothing at all ...it's not up to you to tell other people what advice to take

Hmm, I was not aware of actually giving any advice on Ginette's marital problems although I do admit to responding to the OP on the subject of "empty nest syndrome". Others such as Elegran, janerowena, GillT57, Jingl. Ana, Riverwalk,Mishap and even you yourself ("ring Samaritans") have made practical suggestions which do not seem to have borne fruit.

Actually in my previous post I was questioning soontobe's interpretation of the time frame. Do I have your gracious permission to do that?
As for your waspish counsel of "giving the benefit of the doubt in case I do more harm than good" - it refers to exactly what?

I think you're being very harsh Soutra. If you've nothing constructive to add best to say nothing at all. I get the feeling you are annoyed the advice has not been taken, well it's not up to you to tell other people what advice to take.

You should give the benefit of the doubt in case you do more harm than good.

The impression Ginette has given is that this situation has been in existence for years see the reference to the women's refuge, her husband hitting her daughter when she was 11, (in fact Ginette describes 18 years of unhappiness ) and her daughter has presumably been at university at least since the start of the academic year so this is not a sudden change in her life. So I imagine your reference to this not being on Ginette's radar until 2 weeks ago ignores this fact.
Nobody is suggesting taking things lightly, but when somebody claims to be desperate, I assume "desperate times need desperate measures", and in any case a preliminary appointment with a solicitor, a talk to the bank manager regarding the peculiar financial shenanigans and/or CAB. To find out her rights hardly constitute "taking anything lightly."

I think that it should also be added, that were we to be in the position of Ginette, she is cotemplating the end of her marriage after presumably decades of living with a man who she once loved.
Two weeks ago, that was not necessarily on her radar.
If I was her in that position, I would not be taking it all lightly, and neither should she.
Also, I may choose to take my time to think things through and decide on my best option.
It is not something to be taken lightly or swiftly.

Ex was very similar in many ways. I left and went to live with a very good friend. I was lucky, she had a big house and her OH had left her two years previously and she was glad of the company. It was a very hard time but oh so worth it. In only a year my life completely turned around. It would be far easier for you, with your daughter not as young as mine was.

I do know what you mean about the refuges. I became the collecting point for contributions for our local one, and at one point one of my best friend had need of their services. But they do give you a breathing space and time to think in a safe environment. As for what they charge - don't you realise how much it costs to keep those places going? I know you probably have a nice warm clean home with lots of personal possessions that you will lose - as I did - but really, it's SO much better now. I am a new person. Those past years are just a bad dream. and seeing him again last weekend after not at all for ten years - I looked at him and thought, you pathetic little bully. How can I ever have been scared of you.

I hate to say it, but I was really feeling for you, and (I hope) like others doing my best to offer both emotional support and tangible, positive suggestions as to how you could get out of this awful situation, but I have to admit to feeling a bit uncomfortable when you started blaming immigrants and asylum seekers for your being unable to make an appointment with CAB. Make an appointment with a solicitor, look online. Dont think that because the other people living in Women's Aid hostels dont speak English their need isnt as great as yours. Good luck

How healthy is he?

It is a horrible bind you are in but there will be a way out - it will not be easy and you will have to gird up your loins and do some tough things, but we will be here to provide support whatever you decide. That is all we can do - the practical bits are down to you and you can do it.

at no point did I not appreciate everyone, I do

I am not here to be analysed Elegran
I am not on this forum to be used as a punchbag
I don't appreciate your rudeness

Well, if that is appreciation, I wonder

They say the truth hurts, but you have to face up to it if you want to move on.

At no point did I not appreciate everyone, I do, right now I'm really in a bad place, not thinking straight, not able to make right choices, I am seeing professionals soon, for now bear with me, apologies Elegran.
Mishap, Soon to be and others have been awesome, bear with me it may stretch to 10 pages if gnetters can still offer me support, for now and foreseeable future. It was never my intention to belittle anyone.
Jinglbellfrocks if he is miserable he has the means AND the knowhow to take matters further. In my case I have to think of my daughter and I am unable to make rash decisions cos of her, he has no qualms, I'm sorry but I have no feelings left for the man, he has killed every single iota of love I ever had for him.
Again I keep reiterating my thanks to all of you, I am just reaching out and expressing my feelings and thoughts, isnt that why we have this facility?
I wouldn't have been able to cope had it not been for this outlet, it gives md strength, to those who are getting exasperated, I implore you to either ignore my messages or help me through the most difficult time of my entire life.
When I used to hear about abused women I too didnt bat an eyelid as I didnt know how crippling and painful it is.
I uses to have the same views thinking that they could just leave, how wrong I was. It has happened to some strong women, broken them, but with support and understanding they come out the other side, and so shall I, until then bear with me please?

May I make a point or two?
Elegran, mishap and others have made practical, informed suggestions in response to your appeal for help. If you ask for help and do not like what is offered that is your choice. At no point has there been " rudeness" but if facing up to reality is painful then don't blame others.
To launch into an attack on a person's good nature or good intentions is both unfair and ultimately unhelpful to yourself.
No amount of cyber {{hugs}} or will help you achieve a change in your life if that is what you really want.
Good luck with whatever path you choose, but please don't accuse GNetters of a lack of sympathy after 7 pages of trying to give you some constructive help.

I have to agree with Elegran on this one, you can keep talking forever, you do need to take action, to change things

I agree that your OH is probably pretty miserable too - it does not sound the sort of life that anyone would choose to have.

If he is not amenable to talking about the situation you are stuck with having to get out there and find a way of improving your life.

You do have a lot of obstacles to climb over, but making a start by phoning some of these organisations might help you to feel you were getting back in control.

Oh well done! A divorce in the offing. Let us know what happens how you get on.

No, I wasn't rude, Ginette. I merely suggested, very politely, that if life is as bad as it appears, you will have to take a deep breath and do something about it. Posting on here and getting sympathy and support from all these excellent Gransnetters doesn't change anything. That is up to you. If you can take me to task for being "bracing", you can take action to change things at home.

Is he as unhappy as you sound? It can't be a happy life for him.

I am not here to be analysed Elegran, I am here because for a long time I took the back seat, accepting what was going on as my lot in life, I would really appreciate if you didnt offer the negative side as it doesn't help, I am not on this forum to be used as a punch bag thank you. Yes I work and yes I have a bank account, do you choose to read parts that suit you from what I've been writing,? I have debt and dont contribute much to the household outgoings so I am financially held back! I have been complacent over the years, shutting out reality, taking comfort in entertaining and spoiling my daughter, in hindsight yes over-indulgence, but who hasn't been brushing stuff unded the carpet until its a pile! Possibly you are a strong independent woman, some of us, like me, are not and just need support and guidance, however long and arduous my journey may be, I don't appreciate your rudeness Elegran.
Soontobe as usual thanks, I have an appointment with CAB on 12/3 and my friend knows a solicitor friend who point me in the right direction.

[I know Elegran that you may have been doing good cop bad cop].

That may be a bit harsh Elegran.
She is like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

Can you make an appointment with CAB for their earliest one, even if it is 6 weeks time?
If you dont need it when it comes to it it wont matter, but at least you will have made the first step.
A journey starts somewhere and all that.

You have found a way not to carry out any of the excellent suggestions that have been made to you. Perhaps it is not as bad as it sometimes seems?