A thought on crying babies

A constantly crying baby is very stressful and I think a lot of parents will try any method just to get some sleep themselves. It can be very difficult to stick to any routine when you're already exhausted.

There is a charity called Cry-sis that offers advice and support to parents via a telephone helpline (www.cry-sis.org.uk), it can be useful for parents with no family to help or advise.

We didn't leave our children to cry for very long and certainly suffered for it as our DS didn't sleep through the night until he was about 3. With his son, however, once he was 6 months old DS and DDIL used controlled crying (with the help of a leaflet to show them what to do) and the baby slept through the night within the week. They have consequently used controlled crying with both their daughters who have both slept through the night from very young. It doesn't mean leaving the baby to cry for hours on end but to let them cry for a short time, then go in and let them know you are there but without talking to them or making eye contact. I wish I had known about this - it really does work.

Ninathenana, I think you are absolutely right. Babies do need to learn to settle themselves. All the messing about we did with our first was a joke. I wish someone had told me about letting a baby settle themselves!

Can we clarify 'leaving them to cry'
As I said in my previous post I did use controlled crying on my son. If baby is fed, clean and not thirsty but keeps waking every hour or so through the night then it doesn't harm them to get used to 'self settling' would a HV recommend it if it was so bad ?
We're not talking prolonged periods the HV told me to start with 2mins and work up to 10mins. Within three nights my son was sleeping through and he had a much happier and less knackered mummy during the day.
No,I didn't leave either of them to cry during the day. If they didn't settle then I got them up.

I had two non sleepers but was incapable of leaving them to cry and in fact I still get antsy when I hear crying babies in shops etc. It really does something to me! I don't think the next generation share my hippy dippy feelings - they are much more able to leave them and think it won't do them any harm to be upset. That has been my observation anyhow.

Tiggy I'm sure you did an excellent job. The putative grandmother sounds as though she just wanted to relive her own child-rearing years and would have been a bossy, interfering mother to her DD

I used to teach GCSE Child Developement and tried to tell it 'how it was' as well as the obvious positives. I was taken to task by one parent as she was sure she was never going to be a grandparent and it was all my fault. My 'crime' was that I had said that Mothercare type advertisers should be taken to court for mis-representation as babies were not like that all the time (clean, happy and not crying) and that things never got better they just got different (when one thing was achieved another problem emerged). My answer to the parent when something along the lines of that if I had put her daughter off for a few years then I would have done a good job. 25 years later I am still wondering if that 15yr old girl is still childless.

As for crying babies I am on the side of the 'picker uppers'.

Does anyone else remember a programme where three very different nannies gave advice on looking after babies? One was very strict, feed four hourly,sleep in their own room, leave to cry, etc, and another encouraged mum to carry the baby in a sling at all times, feed on demand, and sleep in the same bed. I think the one in the middle might have been a Norland nanny, but I might have imagined that.
I do remember that Nanny Strict was very popular with career mummies who wanted to get back to work as quickly as possible!

As a parent you generally do your best. With three under five, as I had, I tended the one who demanded the attention at the time. For example if your potty trained two year old needs the potty that tends to take priority, whereas if the baby is safe in her pram or cot, she can be left at that moment.

I think those of us who have more than one child do realise how little trouble a baby safe in her pram actually is, whereas a marauding toddler creating havoc somewhere focuses your attention.

I remember a health visitor telling me that it does get easier. I suppose when you're getting your sleep things do feel better but I think that things don't necessarily become easier the challenges just change.

By always tending to my youngest first, when I had three under five, I now feel that I perhaps let the other two down. You can't win.

My mum made me leave DD when she had the 3 month colic and would scream for hours every night. I used to stand outside her room crying too, but my mum wouldn't let me in (I was a gymslip mum myself).
Other than that, I fed her every 4 hours as instructed and she quickly started sleeping through the night. I found that the routine benefited both her and me - I always knew when I'd be free to do housework or have a lie down or something.
When DGS was born I went to the other side of the world to help out for the first month, and used to pick him up and walk him around at night if he cried so that DD could get a good night's sleep. I mainly did this because I enjoyed holding him so much!
DDs midwife made DD feed on demand (I confess I don't think this is the best idea, for both mother and baby), and one time watched as DD lay suckling him for nearly 2 hours!! No wonder her nipples were sore! The stupid midwife said he was feeding really well, but clearly couldn't see that he was comfort sucking (she had no children of her own) for a good hour .

I was always taught that up to 6 months (or thereabout) you cannot spoil a baby by picking it up when it cries - after 6 months they get a bit more savvy about their surroundings!!
My 4 children and 7 grandchildren were brought up on that premise and seem to have done well on it. I have 4 children in their 30s who are happy, well rounded individuals and their children benefit from that too....
I didn't spoil my children (I had 3 under 3 at one stage) but hopefully gave them a happy and secure childhood - and picking up a crying baby, giving it a hug and a feeling of security was just the start.

I'm with you vampirequeen - I tried the crying for 10 mins bit with my oldest but would never do it again. Babies cry for a reason and as my wise old grannie told us, 'you can't spoil a baby in it's first 12 months by cuddling and loving it'.
I'm pleased that leaving babies to cry is pretty much a NO NO these days. None of my children would consider leaving a baby to cry

Whenever DD1 was alone she cried continuously. I followed all the advice including stripping her bedroom of anything that might through shadows. So she ended up in a room with no lampshade, toys, curtains....in fact it looked like a room from an NSPCC advert. That didn't work so then I was told to put her into a bed in case it was the bars of the cot. That didn't work either as now she could get out of bed so she was trapped in the room by a safety gate. Then I was told to leave her to cry as no baby can cry for more than 20 minutes without exhausting themselves and falling asleep. Don't you believe it! She cried and cried hysterically for over an hour whilst I cried downstairs. We tried everything until she was about 16 months old and then through sheer exhaustion 'gave in' and let her sleep with us. It was heaven. For the first time since she was born I got a full nights sleep. When she was older and able to understand we gradually got her into her own bed.

DD2 slept the night the day she was born. In fact, I was forced to wake her up by the midwife who said she couldn't be left with no food for eight hours. I came home the next day and she never had a night feed. She was happy to sit and watch the world go by and didn't need constant reassurance.

I would never leave any baby to cry now because I'm certain they always have a reason even if we can't work out what it is.

The advice I was given by midwives and health visitors was to feed 4 hourly. I was young and didn't know enough to realise this was impossible with a small breast fed baby. The result was by 6 weeks that first baby was bottle fed and guess what, she still cried and wanted small feeds every couple of hours. I did leave her to cry for 10 mins at afternoon nap and bed time, I remember sitting on the stairs feeling wretched and wishing I could pick her up but followed the advice to put the hoover/washer on as a distraction for 10 mins by which time if she wasn't asleep to pick her up. By the time my other babies arrived I was older and more confident. I didn't ever leave them to cry, breast fed on demand for several months. Result, happy, contented babies. Still, I don't think oldest was scared for life

I wonder if this thread would have had the same guilt ridden content of some posters before the inception of contraception. My grandmother had thirteen children as did many women of her era. I think most babies were wrapped and put outside the house for most of the day and slept in drawers in the parents bedroom until the next baby came along nine months later. I am sure most of our generation would have been left to cry for some time, are we mentally scarred by this..maybe I am

you can't spoil a baby
meaning, that it was not possible to spoil one by giving it lots of cuddles, not that you mustn't spoil a baby!!

That's what MIL said; DM said that 'you can't spoil a baby'.

I wish I'd been kinder to my babies but I knew nothing and was told to feed by the clock and leave them to cry or they'd be "spoilt". My oldest cried incessantly, day and night.
My daughters have done things so differently, cuddling and feeding all the time and their babies hardly ever cried.

TriciaF you could be right.

When DD1 was a baby it was imperative to put them to sleep on their tummies
I am sure she was bored. She could lift her head up from the beginning and used to spend a lot of time looking around and not sleeping.
She was much happier when she was in her bouncy chair watching the world.

My first 2 were only 13 months apart and I was completely exhausted for a few years.
Both were boys. DS1 wasn't too bad, he slept most of the night, but DS2 cried a lot and woke about 5am - I always had my washing out early.
I still feel guilty about the fact that when I had a lie down in the pm I put him in his pram in the kitchen with the door shut and went upstairs.
I think he was bored - he was late walking, 16 months, but as soon as he started to walk he stopped crying, either day or night
He turned out to be the brightest of our our children.

Nellie
I remember babysitting a child whose DM said the only way he could get off to sleep was if her fingers were in his mouth for him to suck, and could I get him off like that please. He was about 3.
Needless to say I didn't, but I had to sit beside the bed as he alternately nodded off then jerked himself awake again. Every time I tried to crawl on my hands and knees out of the room he would wake himself up again and start yelling.

I would try it with an older baby who has just been put down for a nap.
It is sometimes worth leaving them to see what happens for five or ten minutes. They are often so exhausted that they cannot relax and sleep straight away I think if they get over stimulated just putting them down in quiet works. I have also tried white noise on DGS2 but I don't think my daughter believed in it.

DD used to get over stressed. Putting her down was the only option. You can always tell when it winding down cry.

I wish my daughter would have tried it 5 months ago. DGS2 now won't sleep without being fed and rocked.
Mutter mutter keep your mouth zipped Nana NellieM.

Supernanny and the Three Day Nanny would leave them to cry I believe. Seems to work.....but that's on TV!

I didn't leave mine to cry in the day in fact DH spent many an hour cradling them whilst they slept. However DS was a horror at night and it wasn't until a older HV advised us to try 'controlled crying' that he slept through the night for the first time ever. He was 8mths at the time. It was hard but worth it.