who holds the pursestrings?

My FiL used to be paid in cash once a week and sit down putting an amount for gas, for electricity, rent etc in different envelopes and then put some in an envelope and give Mil her 'wages'. I told DH I was not going to live like that and we either had a joint account or I kept my salary and he could pay for everything like his father. I was earning more than him at the time so he was happy to agree!

At first he looked after the finances but I discovered we were overdrawn and paying interest so I took over. Since then it has been straightforward and we are both happy with it. We don't pay interest to anyone, now it is paid to us.

I keep a spreadsheet of where our money is so it will be simple to understand if I die. I move our money around to get the best savings rates and DH simply signs whatever I give him and assumes it is OK. That is trust. He is always surprised at how we manage to save and help out the DCs.

I don't understand how couples work out who pays for what fairly unless they earn exactly the same. I heard a woman on the radio say that if they didn't have their own money she would be unhappy if her partner bought a present for an ex-girlfriend but couldn't understand why it mattered where that money came from. Do they pay bills in proportion to their income? Do they pay half each?

DH has never asked me how much a dress or pair of shoes cost and I have never had to hide anything I bought from him. We discuss major purchases but just buy anything else we want without asking each other. I spend more than him on clothes, he spends more than me on sport.

We started off with a joint account but for the last 18 years we've had separate ones and divided up who pays for what - I was always the higher/only earner so it suited us better to have the two accounts.
When DH became self-employed he opened a business account too.
It seems to work well, even if I paid for holidays, presents, Christmas etc etc.
That'll change when I hopefully retire in a few weeks, DH will be the higher earner ? I do think he might be in for a shock!
Obviously we've discussed this so let's see how it goes!

skittle, this behaviour is marital abuse - only recently decided though.

my daughter suffered from this for years from her husband - having to beg him for money to buy food for their two daughters!! unfortunately I didn't know anything about this but, when she left him [long and sorry story] she and my granddaughters moved in with me.

after consulting a solicitor she discovered that marital abuse is grounds for a divorce and, when the time is right, she's going to go ahead with a divorce on these grounds.

she's had an awful time over the past 10 years and, unfortunately, I only knew about it two years ago when she got to the end of her tether and told me.

Mum never told me about 'running away money' I found out that many many woman had a secret stash many years after I had run away, with my secret savings!

My 2nd hubby was in debt when I met him, that has never happened since as I manage our finances, but we have a joint account which we both have equal access to. Savings are broadly similar, but I do have the lions share. Nothing is secret though, also I have always been a saver, whereas my hubby used to believe money was for spending, but as he has got older wants to spend less.

My children all have separate accounts, transfers are done dependent on the proportion of salary they earn, so they each have their only money. Seems a good idea to me, and it appears to work well for all of them.

It sounds bigger than a little woman thing.He sounds like he is trying to control her, at least on this issue.

My husband and I have always shared our money because we trusted each other not to waste it or get into debt.

This story Skittle told us, who started the thread, is about a mean, selfish man whose wife trusted and agreed to stay home and raise the family and he is letting his family down by giving them a pittance to live on while earning a good salary and meeting his own needs. I suggest she divorce him and get herself a good lawyer but he most likely won't pay maintenance.

Lyndyn you reminded me of my own daughter who when she left a very abusive relationship had stashed 'running away' money for over 10+ years. Just coppers but it added up to a few hundred pounds. I think lots of women in abusive relationships do it. She said it was more than the money it was keeping hope alive.

We've always had a joint account. Our finances have varied, sometimes DH has earned more than me, sometimes I've earned more than him, and of course I had time at home when the children were small. Now we are both retired his pension is bigger than mine, but we carry on as we always have. We each spend money on ourselves but we know that neither of us is going to be stupidly extravagant.

We've always had joint accounts, and I always controlled the spending when the children were small ( I didn't work for many years). The Old Man would always ask if he could spend some money, as his reasoning was that I would be the one to know if the children would soon be needing shoes, clothes, or whatever.
Nowadays he's a bit bolder about spending without permission!

I also heard that if a husband is the one who 'controls' the money then have a 'just in case ' pot of money unknown to him. If things go wrong for any reason then they would at least be able to tide themselves over for a few days/weeks. Thankfully I've never had to do this.

I notice all the comments once again seem to express the female views of so many males being selfish.

We were married in 1956 (60 yrs ), the first thing we did was set up a joint account. My wages were paid by my wife into that account to meet all household bills etc. We agreed on a small amount as pocket money for me.

Her wages went into her own account to pay for extra's like her personal woman products, holidays savings and clothes for us both as jointly agreed.
When the children came along it slightly changed because she has to give up work. So the clothes and holidays came out of my earnings which had improved. We transferred 30 shillings a week into her account to meet her needs and extra bills.
That arrangements has continued right up to today, though she gets now more than the 30 bob. It has worked well for us both.
Please remember ladies it often unnecessary shopping or demands to keep up with the Jones, which means hours more of overtime that get many males down, so let's have more give and take and a happy life.

When we got married in our 40s I put a large capital deposit into our house purchase & DH paid the mortgage & bills. Until we retired we both kept our own accounts. (My previous alcoholic spouse made me very wary of having a joint account!)
When we retired we set up a joint household account to pay for food, drink, utilities & meals out - although we do occasionally treat our each other to a meal. We also have a joint a savings account in which we put a monthly contribution towards holidays. We both have good pensions which means that we both can maintain individual accounts for our personal use.
My first husband had a very large salary & I stayed at home for the first 5 years of my children's lives. I had housekeeping money & little else. However when went back to work I had a 'just in case' secret savings account & am so glad that I did!
Reading this post back it all sounds a bit smug but my experience of crying in bank manager's offices & pleading with the building society not to take our house away when I was in my 40s; made me wake up to the need for financial planning.
And yes Skittle - your friend's daughter is being abused & the word slavery comes into my mind!

Congratulations pensionista on 60 years of marriage. Times were very different then as I know well, having married in 1958. I do hope your wife has had a very good rise from that 30 bob, perhaps as much as a fiver!!
I had £6 a week and we lived very well out of that. It bought food , my fares to work and I think perhaps clothes but I'm hazy on that. It would hardly buy a joint of meat these days. Keep your independence girls (ladies,women) insert as appropriate.

pensionista said:

Please remember ladies it is often unnecessary shopping or demands to keep up with the Jones, which means hours more of overtime that get many males down, so let's have more give and take and a happy life.

I have to take issue with that statement, I'm afraid. Perhaps you need to have a frank discussion with your wife, rather than somehow lumping all ladies together as irresponsible with money. I honestly think gender has nothing to do with being sensible with money. The reality is, men can be equally guilty of wasting hard earned cash on unnecessary purchases.

Let's face it, which gender is more likely to spend more down the pub? Which gender is more likely to gamble? Which gender is more likely to spend money on a flash car?

Like some others, we married in 1961, and had a joint account. I was given £5.00 per week housekeeping, and don't remember being hard up. I gave up work when we had children and stayed home until the 70's, when we had another addition, our Autumn Crocus, bless his heart. The family allowance I received was considered mine to do with as needed. I certainly remember hearing that the Family Allowance was all that some women could call their own, and a hue and cry when it was suggested that this would change. I had never thought about other housewives being so cruelly treated. My own parents shared all expenses, as we did and do now. I do have my own bank account, but if something were needed, the money comes from wherever, and we consider it all in a melting pot, as it were. By the way, my housekeeping has increased, probably as Pensionista's

We have joint accounts and my wages used to go into them, helping with children holidays etc. now I have a pension I decided I wanted to have my own little bit of cash, without the husband saying what do you want that for. It's worked but taken me 45 years to learn ?

That Family Allowance was 5 shillings when the second child was born,there was nothing for the first. Not much to fritter was there?

"he gives her a pittance as housekeeping and she virtually has to go to him on bended knee every time one of the children needs something"

isn't that what is nowadays considered a form of financial abuse?

It happened to me 40 years ago and the marriage ended in divorce.

That was the case for most of my friends and neighbours in the UK in the 70s- and I found it quite shocking.

Personally I would never have accepted this kind of 'servitude', and OH would have never expected it- even for the many years I didn't work. Surely that is something that should be clear before marriage? We women can be our very own worst enemies. But I was always very careful with money as we didn't have much, and 'made do' a lot, second hand everything, made the kids' clothes, etc.

I've always been the one who is most sensible with money. I hate waste, with a vengeance. I've stopped DH from using his credit card to run up bills and pay interest. How wasteful is that? I actually paid my first DH debts off, when he managed to spend a massive amount, with nothing to show for it. We were about to lose our family home when I found out.

That sounds like my parents who were married in the 40s. DH & I both had our own accounts when we got married and carried on with that, though it was never yours/my money and we never had housekeeping, just went shopping and paid what it came to. We changed to a joint account when we had the children and I stopped (paid) work. I do all the banking and make sure everything tallies, etc. To be honest, my DH doesn't have a clue how much we have in the bank, though we have internet banking so he can see at any time.

I pay for eyerything out of my pension. My partner is unemployed and on sick pay-£52 a week! This all goes on his tobacco and motorbikes! the power steering has just failed on the car and will cost £650 to repair His answer-you pay as it's your car and he uses it more than I. My pension is just enough for one person but he ignores that. What can I do?

Like whitewave above I make most of the financial decisions as DH has no interest and I have more knowledge in that area, though we split the bills: I pay the insurances, TV /broadband, credit card and the council tax, he pays the utilities by direct debit as well as household maintenance such as decorating and repairs. He won't use internet banking so I pay anything else online. Our living expenses all go on one credit card which we pay monthly, getting "cashback" rewards.

I didn't work for years when my children were small but went back and retrained when the youngest was 5. I'm pleased to say that I earned a state pension in my own right, though my private pension is very small as I often did contract work. I've always had some money salted away so always had a little money to spend, but didn't have enough to contribute much to the household budget until later.

Like many people of my age I inherited some money, long after I actually needed it. For this reason we now spend what we can to help our four children (all over 30) - we'd rather spend money on them and their homes now than make them wait until we die and the tax man takes his share. At least we can see them enjoy it!

It's surprising how many of us grans do the financial stuff, rather than our husbands/partners.

I do all the research about ISAs and savings accounts and move money around to try and find the best interest rates. Not easy in the current climate!

Most of our savings are joint, though ISAs obviously separate, and I also have a small savings account which is very rarely drawn from.

We are both savers rather than spenders, and discuss big purchases, but usually agree.

Does anyone know where I can find a basic (simple) budget spreadsheet, please? (I'm not very good with Excel).

Don't worry, I sort of know where the money goes, I would just like to do it properly over a period, as a snapshot.

We've always had separate current accounts, but we financially support each other if and as needed. And we always "pay ourselves first" that is pay into a joint savings account.