Friend envy

I've spent some time thinking about this today. Like others on here, we've moved about quite a lot and lost contact with people. I have one friend of over 40 years standing who lives about 100 miles away and the two couples get together for a few days every year - otherwise we keep in contact by email and text. A couple of others are now email frinds only.
We moved to small market town about 10 years ago, and although I know a lot of people to stop and chat to in the street I wouldn't really describe any of them as real friends. I did all the things suggested here - joined local groups, volunteered etc. I found the best groups were those with people who came from outside the town, because people round here seem to stay in the same area all their lives and have so much interconnected history that they feel no need to let others into their circle.
However, we are lucky. DH and I have been married for over 40 years, and we'd describe each other as our best friends. We have the same sense of humour, can talk to each other for hours about any topic, both love to learn about new things. So for now, I'm happy. I do, of course, recognise that life circumstances can change, but I think that I am one of those people happy in my own company and so I'll continue to have acquaintances and cheery street conversations.

You make most friends with small children - toddler's groups etc,

When I moved back to England for 5 years in the 90s I thought I would make new friends. I didn't make one! I never saw the inside of anybody's house in 5 years. So that was a dream, moving back home.Ha!
I taught German and played Bridge but I had to leave the house to see anybody.In the end we had to return to Germany and I was glad to go back, at least I had family and some friends here

Because I've moved about I also don't have any close friends nearby. One old friend friend lives about 30 miles away is not well enough to travel and I have lost confidence in driving other than locally, also I realised that all our conversations ended up revolving around her. I am gradually making new acquaintances/potential friends through the local U3A but it will never be the same as having a friend who has seen my children grow up and me theirs, and with whom we've shared life's ups and downs. It takes time to forge close friendships, and sometimes I feel that I'd rather not bother and just stay at home with a book!

Hello Willow500, your post caught my eye as this is something I've been going over in my mind for some weeks now. I do hope you find a way to make the connections and friendships you are thinking of.
Your earlier life echoes mine in that we married young and had our children straight away, effectively side stepping any sort of usual clubbing and late nights - straight from school into a relationship which has happily lasted 44 years.
I have always had a sense of being a loner, in fact I may have posted elsewhere about this, and, apart from my last career in education, my working life was spent working alone too. I retired a couple of years ago due to health problems and my time is either spent in the company of my husband or, yes you guessed it, alone.
This is my choice though. There are people who ask me to meet for coffee from time to time but I very rarely want to go. They are perfectly nice people but it's just not for me. I don't like the gossip and being asked questions about where we've been and what we have planned - we lead a quiet and simple life whereas they all seem to be filling every hour with "doing" and I just like "being"!
My husband has lots of friends and acquaintances and he enjoys meeting them for a couple of hours once or twice a week then I get some peaceful time to myself to read our listen to my music. I think your point about looking to the future and what it may be like if we are left alone is something my daughter's would have me consider but I am content and feel that I have come full circle back to the introverted child I used to be. My working life was an intrusion really! A necessity I suppose but, if I'd had the choice I would have stayed home. So I accept now that this is the real me and I will take life as it comes. Reading these posts, I admit to feeling a little uncomfortable about shutting people out when they suggest getting together but I treasure the quiet life! Some would say I'm selfish I suppose but I can't be someone I'm not.
Again, I do hope you manage to connect to people in some way if that's what you feel you would like to happen.
Best wishes and thanks for bringing this up. I find it an interesting topic!

Rose

I have always moved around and I think that it makes it easier than if you live in one place all your life. You get used to making an effort and you put effort in keeping contact with friends from the past.
No one has mentioned the NWR - I will see if I can find a link.
I find walking groups good and U3A.

The website is NWR
Stands for National Women's Register. They meet in member's houses and so can't ignore you.

I have made several new friends in the last couple of years by joining an art class and an art group. Think about what your interests are and join a group. It works, really.

What an interesting thread.

Due to circumstances I haven't had any close friends for the last 6 or so years. It hasn't really bothered me. However I joined a walking group and have made one good friend and a lot of friendly acquaintances if you see what I mean. It has taken a couple of years. I always try to have a smile, I go on my own and show an interest in everyone. There are occasional meals arranged which due to circumstances I can't attend but am always invited.

I am joining a keep fit group which meet once a week and am looking at U3A as there is a reading group I would like to try.

I would not join a group just to make friends. I think if you choose something you would like to do then common interest can help you make friends.

I joined the local Red Hatters chapter and it has made quite a difference to my life. We meet up for coffee mornings, afternoon tea, lunches etc. There are also many other activities, theatre trips, days out and so on. You can get as involved as you like. It's all about having fun with like minded ladies and I was made welcome from my very first meeting. Check them out on Google.

I had this problem when I retired 6 years ago. I am shy at social functions but I did make friends through voluntary work. Its so much easier if you are doi g the same job and have something to talk about. I volunteered with Homestart and Beanstalk (helping with reading in a primary school) and in a bookshop run by a local charity also one evening a month with Street pastors run by local churches. My days were soon full of activity and I had friends who shared my interests. Now I have moved to another area to be near family and must start all over again......

We moved around a lot when DH was in the Navy. Not so bad then, it seemed easy to make friends when we lived in married quarters. Very different now though. In the last decade a few good friends have died or moved away. I find I am quite a loner now though really would like friends to meet up with. TBH I am my own worst enemy, it takes me ages to get to know someone enough to feel at ease with them. Also I am totally crap at small talk. I joined the U3A but stopped going to the meetings as I felt like Billy No Mates when everyone else was chatting away. I do go on theatre trips with them but normally end up sitting on my own which doesn't bother me. I agree it is very difficult making friends when you are older and quite reserved at first. I think I must send out a "don't bother with me" signal but have no idea how to change. I do feel envious of those who find friendship easily.

Ooh , I could have written the opening post . I seem to have been alone all my life, happily most of the time , but at social occassions I go catatonic and escape home fast . I would love to be a social amusing butterfly ( some people think that I am ) but inwardly very uncomfortable . I yap at work , get stuck in conversation in the supermarket for ages but have no friends that I could go out with . My 13 year old grandbaby was upset the other day , she had no-one to sit beside on a school trip - it made me ache for her . Maybe we're all the same at some times in our lives ?
I won't ever make the first move due to fear of rejection - maybe I'm just being silly ?

Alima , snap !

You're more articulate than me , you've said exactly what I wanted to say .

Big empathetic hug !

I moved away from my hometown about 17 years ago (a man ) and once settled in got myself a job and also a few of the wives of his friends became my friends . Then we moved 7 years ago to an area where we don't really know anyone. It is hard to make friends when you don't work or have children that need picking up from school. I volunteer but that hasn't really resulted in any friendship. I joined my local wi but most ladies already had their own circle. It's taken over a year but I'm beginning to get a ' foot in ' . I had a coffee with a lovely lady last week , we have also visited a national trust property although she is not renewing and we are off to the theatre tomorrow. I think it takes time and effort and I'm quite a reserved person so it does not come easy.

Actually meeting and making a friend is a bit like falling in love. You meet someone and really like them - and wonders never cease - they like you. I met such a person in Germany and we were very close friends for over 30 years. Now she has dementia and I am losing her slowly.

I know just what you mean and sympathise. I certainly don't think you are alone in being alone.

When I was young my parents moved around constantly and I attended 14 schools in 13 years, none for more than two years' running. I coped quite well with this until I was 11 and my mother left my father and the emotional strain added to the moving caused something of a social and emotional breakdown in me and I found it more difficult to connect with others. I was a great reader, though, and turned to books for company and solace, something that was easy to do as I am introverted by nature. The more we moved the harder I found it to make friends,especially as, by then, everyone else had found their own circles and networks.

However, I made an effort when I went to train to be a teacher and made friends at college and at each of the schools I taught at. My big 'break through' was to meet my DH quite young and we became each others' besties. I have since shared his childhood friends and we have made friends as a couple.

Since I retired though I have led a very solitary life as I have lost touch, except by e-mail, with my work friends and my DH is out 12 hours a day working.

I know I could make some new acquaintances by volunteering or getting a job but I have somewhat lost my confidence and I think I am a bit of a prickly person. I certainly fear rejection and would rather not court it. And, of course, the older you get the harder it is to make new friendships with others who have lifelong relationships.

I often wonder what it would be like to have school, university and work friends like my own children do. They never had to move and could put years of 'spadework' into their relationships.

One thing I have learned since retiring, however, is that loneliness and being solitary are two separate things. Loneliness is awful but solitude, if not forced upon one and if for contained periods, is a luxury. It is wonderful to be 'far from the madding crowd' at times.

What Margaret describes is something I have never had. I have two friends I met through work, but there is not that bond that acquaintances and their friends seem to have, where they talk daily on the phone, or go out together. I don't feel drawn to them in that way, although when we meet up every month we chat and get on well. Must just be my character I expect. Tend to think that people would be too busy doing their own thing with their closer friends and I would be the outsider. Maybe I just need to widen my horizons a little. Have family and husband but have always thought that I should have a close friend. DH doesn't see it as a problem.He has no close friends, only work acquaintances and family and is happy with that. Must just be me feeling that I am missing out on something. Feel better for having posted this.

Wildrosé. I totally agree with everything in your post. I have spent years thinking I am odd because I am happy with my own company. I tried the friendship thing a while ago and sort of got into it but when it naturally came to an end I was quite relieved to get back to being me.

Although a happy marriage is a blessing it does mean you don't make as many friends. I need a lot of time for myself and couldn't be spending hours on the phone, nor seeing a friend everyday.
thebeeb you sound very contented, not odd at all.

Thebeeb, as MargaretX says, you don't sound odd at all
There is a real sense of contentment in my life and the only reason for my pondering the situation was a conversation I had recently with my daughters (not daughter's as I typed earlier!) who have started to pick up on my contentment, since retirement especially. They had expected me to be bored witless when nothing could be further from the truth!
I meant to say that I am actually a very friendly person who will happily chat away to people I meet when I'm out and about and I enjoy seeing my siblings from time to time - it's just the commitment to regular catch ups, verbal, physical or even via e-mail I'm not interested in. I'm not a grump honestly
As long as we are happy with our situation, how good is it to know that we are who we are meant to be? Having said that, reading this thread has made me think about, and feel for, those who would like to have close friendships yet find that it's just not happening for whatever reason. Here's hoping that things change soon!

Rose

I think advertising and social media should take a lot of blame for so many of our concerns about our lack of friends. They constantly peddle a picture of people of all ages doing things with groups of what seem, intimate friends, but actually when you step back and analyse the friendship circles of people round you, you will find that most people only have a handful of close friends - and a wider circle of acquaintances, people you come together with through joint interests.

I have belonged to a special interest group for over 30 years and we are a friendly group and get on very well, but none of us, to my knowledge meet up outside the group for purely social reasons. I willemail or ring them, but always on society business.

I have three close friends, it was four, but one has died, from school, university and my children's childhood, but we are not foreveer ringing each other up, meeting for lunch/coffee or even emailing each other. We sometimes are not in contact for a month or more at a time but each is someone I will immediately inform when there is any life changing event in my life and they will do the same.

Some people have a gift for friendship. My mother had this gift and a large church was packed for her funeral, neither I or my sisters have inherited this gene. Fortunately my DiL also has it and my DGC are growing up with an extended family of honourary aunts, uncles and cousins. I am hoping that they too have inherit this gene.

This is a familiar scenario to me too. All my school friends moved away during 'The Troubles' here although I still have contact with a few. Friends made when the children were young have gradually drifted away due to their and my work commitments. My best and most loved friend died of cancer about 10 years ago. I don't really feel the need for a big circle of friends though as I have DH and my children/grandchildren keep me busy with their varying needs and problems. I have acquaintances that I occasionally meet for coffee but this is sporadic. People don't tend to seek me out, but then again I don't seek them out either. Fear of rejection probably. I have always been happy in my own company. I enjoy going to classes and my book group but don't feel I want to find 'besties' any more.

Re: joining groups or voluntary organisations, I just loathe the power struggles and agendas that so often emerge from these in my experience. Now avoid them like the plague.

I think you have been unfortunate Jud. There are organisations like those you describe but I have belonged to several special interest groups and worked as a volunteer with others for many years and they have all worked very amicably with out any the jockeying and cliqueness which you can get in some.

Oh Monica what you say about FB is exactly what I feel and have always felt. (but dared not say on GN) It is actually not possible for anyone to have hundreds of friends and I'm sure it causes a lot of envy and expensive wedding bills to put on big show.
MY DD2 is also a good friend to many people she has a certain charm and attracts people but she herself said at 18 that she would have small party where everyone could really talk to everyone else. We as a family are not on social media and don't miss it.

As for groups.There are many groups e.g choirs or sports clubs where you have good time as long as you attend -but if ill no one calls to see you. You exist only as a club member. I have sung in choirs (church choirs mostly)all my life and have a large circle of people I know well but no close friend in any choir. I joined to sing not to find a friend.
I am more likely to find friendship with neighbours than in groups.

Social media is a [not] so subtle marketing ploy to make you feel lurved

Not a participant, its all about peer pleasure. So sad