Partners and step grandchildren

Coming in from the flipside. I'm married to a narcissist who NEEDS the adoration of his children and grandchildren, but they cannot stand to be around him. He talks over everyone, brags (about nothing vital), and turns every g-d conversation around to be about himself.
We only see one of his 3 sons for two days twice each year. He travels once a year to see the 2nd son and his family, while the third (bipolar) son hasn't been seen nor heard from in 10 years.
For my part, I tried to be the third grandmother from the day the grandchildren were born...loving, involved to a degree, and without suggestions or recommendations of any kind. At this point, however, I remain the only "member" of this family who apparently doesn't have a birthday (an email would be fine!), or celebrate Christmas, so yeah, I failed.
Today I expressed concern about the teenaged grandchildren (e.g., too much tech, not enough socialization), and it was taken at criticism. And he finally said it: "You never had kids, so you don't know what you're talking about."
That's where many of us who aren't doting grandparents are coming from, so please think about this side.

I would imagine the OP has sorted her problem after 6years

OP

Imagine the day no more babysitting is needed, drop ins from your adult children, your partner will still be there

Isn't he your family too?

A person cannot make everybody happy - a compromise is the way to go

Well your choice but "THEY decided they wanted to stay the night" and "I can't say no" makes me think that the problem is a bit more 50 50 than you might want to admit.

I meant he didn't get to decide fully, he had input in this as he and OP live in the same house

Did your partner have a call on whether your son and gc could stay the night or not?

And your still with him lol I’d have kicked him to the kerb no man would treat my kids or grandkids that way. Did you not hear blood is thicker than water. They are your blood he’s your water. Question how long are you going to put up being in a control relationship.

I had my son seven and daughter three when I started courting. I would not have married if my then partner had any issue with children. He is considered their dad and adores them and now adores our grandchildren.
I do not want to sound hard but this partner is totally selfish and making your life a misery. You should be enjoying your family not living on your nerves. Your partner works hard and needs rest most people do. He does not accept your family get rid of him.

I am very lucky with my bloke that he loves my DGS, despite being no relation to him. If he didn't, he would see very little of me. That boy is my life and I wouldn't tolerate anyone that didn't love him too. He came to his birthday meal and is coming to the childrens party.

I have to say, I would not be (and will not be if he has any, at any point) as inclusive and involved with his grandchildren if he had any. I don't like other people's children. Yes, selfish I know. But that is an honest statement, despite knowing I'll be castigated for it.

granmeg

Nannacool, your situation resonates with me. I have been with my partner for 23 years and in the last 8 years I have had 5 grandchildren by my 2 daughters from my marriage. They don't live nearby (1 1/2 hours to each of them by car which I don't have). He is reluctant for them to come here for the occasional day (though they do about twice a year) and flatly refuses to have the GCs to stay, saying that if he had wanted children in the house he would have had children. Motherhood was my life's dream and I had wanted to build a close relationship with my GCs. I haven't told my daughters about this rule as it would hurt them too much. I have fretted about it so much that I am now on the verge of moving out and away to be closer to my real family.

This sounds like such a sad way to live @granmeg. Is he controlling in other ways too?

Bootuk

Please help I’ve been with my wife 10 yrs in this time my own daughter has had 2 children which my wife has nothing to do with and if she is asked how many kids or grandchildren she has she does not include my children or grandchildren ?… also in this time my step daughter has had two children ( we don’t have any kids together ) I’ve always said we have 6 kids and 4 grandchildren. Recently in an argument my wife said our grandchildren from my step daughter has nothing to do with me as they are not blood. I can not move past it and don’t want to see them and not their fault as I love them dearly . I’ve never been hurt so much and lost at what to do. She has said since that I’m grampy but it’s not the same anymore as I don’t believe her and she took them away from me with her nasty mouth ?

You need to start a new thread. You will get more responses.

The word jealousy leapt out from your post Nannacool.

I have years and years of experience of this, to the point of splitting up twice.
You should not be put in a position of awkwardness for doing what any mum would do and the appearance of the atmosphere each and everytime your children and GC appear or their names mentioned, its a horrible, tense feeling, a very sad feeling.

Personally I didn't stand for it, I wasn't having it in my children's lives.

I am so very, very sorry you are going through all this, I so feel for you.

Totally agree with easybee post

I have some sympathy with your partner. He goes out on Saturday knowing your grandson will be staying, returns to find son and granddaughter 'have decided to stay' as well; daughter arrives with children, presumably the 'full-on ' boys, so the entire family is there during the weekend. Why are they not in their own homes?
You say he works very hard so I don't blame him for wanting some peace and quiet at the weekend. Your family seem to treat your home as a drop-in centre. Your partner has never had children so he is going to find this extremely chaotic family life hard to take.
You do need to organise your time with your children and offspring and take your partner's feelings into consideration as well.

Sodapop - Bootuk has started a new discussion on a previous thread and clearly genuinely needs advice.

Bootuk the only advice I can offer is that you explain to your wife again why you feel the way you do, with emphasis. Perhaps even ask for her understanding. You sound like a caring and loving grandfather.

Good luck.

I expect the OP has resolved the problem now as this thread is six years old.

We both have AC and GC and have always said 'family first'. We both agree, if the AC or GC need us we will be there. Admittedly, we see more of some than others but it makes no difference as there's no pecking order. We also both respect that we each want special time with our own AC and GC and feel this maintains our identities as we aren't joined at the hip.

This situation worked just the same when we worked as it does now we're retired.

Pa my wife has nothing to do with my daughters children via her own choice. They live in a different county and just don’t make the effort or include my daughter and son in conversations. Trouble is I love my wife dearly but struggling to move past this

Please help I’ve been with my wife 10 yrs in this time my own daughter has had 2 children which my wife has nothing to do with and if she is asked how many kids or grandchildren she has she does not include my children or grandchildren ?… also in this time my step daughter has had two children ( we don’t have any kids together ) I’ve always said we have 6 kids and 4 grandchildren. Recently in an argument my wife said our grandchildren from my step daughter has nothing to do with me as they are not blood. I can not move past it and don’t want to see them and not their fault as I love them dearly . I’ve never been hurt so much and lost at what to do. She has said since that I’m grampy but it’s not the same anymore as I don’t believe her and she took them away from me with her nasty mouth ?

Through the ages it is clear to see that children absolutely thrive on the unconditional love of their grandparents! And to witness this in full flight is just the best. Anyone who feels this is an un-natural way to behave with family probably come from families where this love just wasn't on the cards . . . so to see others receiving this very quality of pure love from their partners must feel very threatening.
However the truth of the matter is as "norton" says: "If he's too stupid to accept this .... is he worth keeping. I would rather have no relationship than a bad one that kept me away from my family."
I totally agree . . . my family are very very precious to me!

watermeadow could you set an example to your daughter around `these` children ! are you a granny to them?. It sounds awful for her partner and his kids to be in such an unhappy, resentful environment . She must have been aware that she would be sharing her life with the children of her partner when she got with him so why the resentment ?

I feel your pain Nanacool. I'm in a similar position and my best advice is put your children first in a kind way with your husband. He made his position clear to you about his work, so it is your right to make it clear to him that your children are incredibly important to you and he should stop being selfish and childish. Your children and grandchildren deserve to have you fully in their lives as much as you both want. Its not going to be easy but stick to your guns and don't give in. If he's too stupid to accept this .... is he worth keeping. I would rather have no relationship than a bad one that kept me away from my family.

From a different position, my daughter is childless through choice and her partner has children who spend 50% of their time with their father.
Daughter resents that she has only 1 weekend in 6 alone with partner and his children always come first with him. She has never liked, much less loved, these children, who are now teenagers. I feel sorry for them all, their situation is unsatisfactory for everyone.

How difficult for you - he sounds very, very unreasonable. Just a thought, but if you explained to your daughters why your GC can't come to stay, at least they would know that it was none of your doing (which I'm sure they already are aware of). They may have practical suggestions, like you going to them more often on your own or on holiday with them on your own - which is what many grannies do!

I do hope you sort out these problems - you don't want to regret missing your daughters and GC lives, and he does sound a bit of a misery!