Partners and step grandchildren

Such a shame and very difficult for you, I'm in the same position married 20yrs and I'm so grateful that OH has taken to the role of grandfather like a duck to water despite not having any children himself. Surely when your grandchildren aren't with you, you have plenty of time together.
It seems no matter what you try he is going to put obstacles in the way it must be very wearing and stressful, I like you would put my family before OH and I think he realised that early in our relationship and made the decision to go with the flow and make it easy for both of us to enjoy our grandchildren such a shame your partner isn't open to such enjoyment.
I don't know what the answer is as I cannot see him changing his behaviour he sounds jealous to me and maybe needs to grow up and accept that you will always put them first.
Good luck

The strange thing is tanith he made it clear early on that work was his priority over everything which was fine, but, he knew from the start how close I was to my kids, he has lots of time alone with me, I have bent over backwards to accommodate his needs, I can understand his tiredness he does work very hard, but I can not say no, if my family needs me, or wants to come to our home, they know what he is like, unfortunately even the grandkids do !! Both if my children try very hard to please him.

Maybe you will have to just take the grandchildren out when they are with you and leave him at home to stew, it would serve him right if he can't be persuaded to join you.

Think your right, than you, I am going to feel better if he's not there quietly hating every minute, Xmas will be interesting !! On and up!!!

Supposed to be Thank you !!

Kids and grandkids come before a self centred man .... Harsh maybe but how dare he put you in this position, tough, if he doesn't have kids that doesn't mean he can't make some effort when yours are around you say you have plenty of together time so he is being controlling over your happy family time I think Tanith is right do as much as you can when he's not around but don't change your care for your grandkids for anyone no man is worth losing your flesh and blood over

I think BlueBelle I am beginning to think that, I feel I have worked and worked in this relationship, but at the end of the day if push came to shove I know who I will choose, I do think he is jealous, I don't understand it, how can you be jealous of little ones !!

nannacool I don`t think he will change and possibly get worse as he gets older !! Are you sure it is something you can put up with long term ? it also sounds as if you have to work harder at the relationship than he does . It is a shame that you cannot just enjoy your GC when they come , you must feel very torn .

Can you go and stay with your GC at their homes at all?

nanacool I think that you should find an opportunity to explain to your partner how unhappy this is making you, that you understand that it is difficult for him, but that for you it is a "dealbreaker", and if he wants your relationship to continue, he must meet you halfway.

You may find that being as much aware of the investment in this relationship as you are; and if he realises that this problem may mean the end of something with lots else going for it, he will compromise.

Also, if he is tired after working hard, isn't that an ideal excuse for escaping for a nap?

One other thought, when we were kids and my grandparents (who were very loving and involved grandparents) were tired and the "grownups were going for a lie down" - we knew to cool it and keep it down until they emerged from their bedrooms. I don't know how old your grandchildren are, but do they co-operate when your partner needs a bit of quiet time? Everyone has to pull together in this situation.

A difficult situation for you but are you sure that you don't over-indulge yourself with time spent with children and grandchildren, especially if your partner is busy working all week.

You had your GS staying the weekend, then your son and GD turned-up and also wanted to stay the night, then all are joined on Sunday by your daughter and her other children.

A bit of compromise is needed by all IMO!

I don't understand how a grandparent can be accused of "over indulging" themselves with time spent with children and grandchildren. It's how Nanacool's family works it seems, spontaneous and loving is what it sounds like.
My adult children often arrive unannounced, open the fridge, help themselves to a snack, or start putting tea together for their children. That was how were were at my parents home, it remained "home" until my parents died.

I accept that kind of family life isn't for everyone and it may be that Nanacool's partner and she need to work out ways in which they have a date night, or occasional weekend when the children and grandchildren don't arrive. Mr Nanacool needs to work out whether he loves his partner enough to accept she's a very hands on mum and grannie.

I have 8 grandchildren and 2 step grandchildren 8 of them are under 8 years old. They are a total joy, it's mayhem when they are all here but the only way to cope is to throw yourself into it and make the most of them . Your partner is just very jealous, he wants you to himself. If he can't join in and have fun he should go out for the day. Maybe you could treat him after they have gone. Go out for a meal or something . Sulking is very unattractive and awful to live with. Would he rather you went and stayed with them for a few days instead? I doubt it and prob more sulking when you get back. Most of my grandchildren are mine but three are my DH's - we make no distinction - but obviously you do have special feelings for your own . Can't he just accept your grandchildren as his own and have fun?? Is there anything that he can share with the grandchildren? football? Garden games? Gardening? Watching a film together?

Agree with Lilylilo, a jealous and possessive man who seeks to get his own way by being unpleasant to your family. Difficult to cope with but doable. If he doesn't want to accompany you on family outings, that's his loss. Where would you rather be stuck in the home with him, or out and about.

Agree with a lot of the comments... I'm lucky my OH loves my grandchildren even tho he has none of his own. I tend to ask him to go out when they are coming round why should you leave the house it's him that's being awkward.Stand your ground and like you all say they must come first.

I think this is probably more common than anyone thinks I remarried I had 2 children then we had a son together he was fine when they were younger but as the grandchildren came along became quite resentful of the time we spent together he was always a jealous man but I could never understand being jealous of family we no longer live together so he gets all the peace and quiet he needs it's a very true saying be careful what you wish for none of the family go to see him .

My husband has been wonderful with my grandchildren and treats them as well as he treats his own. My daughter totally trusts him to look after them but he has been known to do a little dance on our doorstep when we wave them off after a three day stay!

It is a very unfortunate situation you find yourself in. What you are describing, in medical terms, are symptoms and often times just treating symptoms will not bring about a change. It does become necessary at times to find the cause of the symptoms to bring about the necessary changes. Professional help is sometimes needed.

Very, very difficult for you ... what a pity. Just a thought, but do your children and grandchildren treat your partner with respect? Are they taking a lot for granted?

I have been married to a lovely man, a widower, for 15 years, who had two teenage children when we met and are now young adults with their own children, who I love and care for, including babysitting, buying presents, holidays together, etc - it's a lovely win win situation. I don't have children of my own so it has been wonderful in many ways ...... BUT some of the in laws have been appalling to me, snidy and very dismissive.

Anything that I have agreed to do with my DSD and DSGC can just be swept away by the 'proper' paternal nana if she just turns up. It can all be so needlessly complicated, there is more than enough love to go round.

Anyway, I do hope that everything goes well. It sounds however, that your partner wants you and possibly he only wants you, and it may be that you will end up making some very difficult choices, and I suspect that your partner will not be the winner!

So sad...I married my DH when my children were 3, 5, 12 and 13. We have 12 grandchildren. He is never looked upon as Step granddad. He is Grandpa. Do the DGC look on him as step or is he just their grandpa. Are your own children close to him?

Nannacool, your situation resonates with me. I have been with my partner for 23 years and in the last 8 years I have had 5 grandchildren by my 2 daughters from my marriage. They don't live nearby (1 1/2 hours to each of them by car which I don't have). He is reluctant for them to come here for the occasional day (though they do about twice a year) and flatly refuses to have the GCs to stay, saying that if he had wanted children in the house he would have had children. Motherhood was my life's dream and I had wanted to build a close relationship with my GCs. I haven't told my daughters about this rule as it would hurt them too much. I have fretted about it so much that I am now on the verge of moving out and away to be closer to my real family.

Sorry to hear of your situation. As others have commented, it's probably jealousy and that's not a particularly appealing trait as it rarely improves. I had a partner many years ago and when my children would return from university at holiday times, he would behave very unreasonably, insisting his needs were always put first, even serving him first for dinner etc. Constantly making sly remarks to me about them, when I was delighted to have them back for even short stays. I imagined then what the future would hold for me and them and possibly future GC. I ditched him after 13 years and have never been happier. I have great times with my grandchildren and no relationship is worth putting that at risk. Also I get autonomy back in my life and am happy being single!

When my partner's mother remarried she told her new husband (before she accepted his proposal) that her children would always come before him!